A: "I was trapped in a rather small place, I'm not quite sure where but it smelt weird. I had several alien items protruding out of my orifices."
B: "Right, and this was a kidnapping?"
A: "No No No, see, at the CUNT, we have several… Um, I guess traditions is the right word for it? Maybe."
B: "Ok so, like a… did you say CUNT?"
A: "Yep."
B: "Like, C-U-N-T CUNT?"
A: "Uhuh, heard of it have ya?"
B: "My lord! I've been trying to get my son into CUNT forever, but the requirements are insane."
A: "Requirements are pretty tight, but then again, so is CUNT."
B: "True, but what's with this tradition? I'm given to understand that hazing is grounds for expulsion at CUNT? Aren't you afraid of getting kicked out?"
A: "You know how it is, guy gets drunk with his friends in the fifties, guy's a fucking incel but insecure about his sexuality at the same time, so he figures out a way to leverage his position in the hierarchy of his fraternity to come up with an initiation process that entertains him and his friends as well as momentarily fulfil the sexual desires that linger within him."
B: "Of course, Of course. You'd think we'd move past it nowadays though?"
A: "Old habits die hard my friend, and these problems die stiff as an oak tree."
B: "Kids these days, why must you sexualise everything?"
A: "Logic my man, we're a transcendent generation who understand that, ya know; Freud was right about EVERYTHING. Deep down, everything comes down to carnal desires, intercourse, and sweet, sweet, Jazz music… while getting a blowjob."
B: "Right, what exactly happened though?"
A: "Well, I was walking past a Frat house, and the next thing I know; BAM! I wake up tied to a chair with a piece of cloth covering my face.
B: "… that sounds illegal to me."
A: "Nah, it's cool, they'd posted on facebook that pledges should walk past the front of the house, so it was kinda just a misunderstanding on my part."
B: "Did you tell them that?"
A: "Kinda, they didn't really ask me to talk, they just stuck a gag in my mouth after taking the cloth of my head."
B: "Is that all?"
A: "Not much really happened after that, they got one of their guys to do a ceremonial dance… it lasted for a while."
B: "Was he any good?"
A: "…from a certain perspective… maybe?"
B: "Ah, I see, it was wholesome, was it?"
A: "Yeah, I didn't expect it to be, kinda seemed antithetical to our prevalent philosophy ya know?"
B: "I see, well, I think I now understand the problem."
A: "But I didn't tell you about the crime yet."
B: "No need, I've got good news."
A: "Umm… Aight."
B: "You've passed initiation! You're in!"
A: "What the fuck are you on about? I thought you were a cop!"
B: "…seriously? Dumbass! We're in the CUNT café!"
A: "But you! Your kid! DAFUQ?!"
B: "I clearly lied! I'm not much older than you, ya little shit!"
A: "I'm so confused right now."
B: "This is the interview portion of the initiation which, luckily for you, tests your deeply held convictions and philosophies rather than intelligence. Otherwise, I would've been able to feed you the dirt pie and all the other disgusting shits the seniors get to devise for this occasion. Unfortunately, you passed."
A: "But how do you know me? I lied about going to CUNT! I really was just passing by and trying to act cool!"
B: "We know everything."
A: "No fucking way… who shot Biggie?"
B: "You don't know the answer to that, my reply would mean nothing."
A: "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT! Fuck… let me see. Alright, how did my dad die?"
B: "He didn't, he abandoned you cuz you kept asking stupid questions, now can we move on?"
A: "Oh my GOD! You're right! Fine, I digress… am I a member of CUNT now?"
B: "One last question: What do we say to the God of Death?"
A: "You're late."
B: "Congratulations Anderkanderman, you and your disgusting fucking name are now part of the frat!"
A: "Thank you Officer Bixby! My mother would be so proud!"
B: "It's just Bixby dumbass, and your mother left you too, cuz yer the fucking worst."
A: "Oh right, I forget, my life is a nightmare… whatever, at least I've achieved what truly matters."
B: "That's true you paltry excuse for a human, you are now, officially, a FRAT CUNT!"
***
END OF FIRST EDITION – THE GRATING OF LOOSE MORALS.