The sensation was there, openly hateful. Everyone was whispering and throwing rude glances. As I was the villain again. So mistaken again. They were wrong and I couldn't even say a thing, cause… how do you explain that you collapsed to the those who never cared about you? All my body hurted, a big bruise was over the fingers of my hand, making it hard to even touch things. With all the pain, I opened the door, shaking. There were only three people inside it, and his unconsious body was in the middle of the room. His mother looked up to me, hysterical, and on the verge to slap me.
—You made this, didn't you?! How could you?!
I got frozen, licking my lips and knowing what she could do.
—I didn't. I would never hurt him.—I stayed in silence, feeling my heart beating over my breast and making me feel like running.— He did.
—What do you mean?—she caught my arm between her rough hands, violently.
—He crashed the car— panicking, I tried to get away from her hands, and I felt the slap.
The cuts over my face started bleeding because of the impact of her hand. I was so scared of her expression, so scared at all. Her eyes were so angry and the total danger feeling invaded me. Her eyes were full of tears, and I could only feel guilty. The idea of people suffering for my faults was so triggering.
—He did it, please. Please, please, leave my arm. You are hurting me.—I sobbed, begging.—It was him.
Her glance only got scarier, starting to cry finally. The thin tears fell down through her face.
—You're lying! He would never do that. How can you lie that way?!
I looked at my own shoes, afraid. She scared me as much as he did. I crooked my back without thinking about it.
—Go away!
—I wanted to break up. He stills pushing me to stay by his side for so many years, and he...
I was frightened to catch her eyes.
—You were together for already six years. You are only lying and saying bullshit to not get in trouble —whispered one of his sisters.
They…don't even knew half of it.
—I was afraid of him. He is not like you think.
Their looks were full of hate, and I couldn't explain a thing to them. It would be pointless.
—Come on, he's tinier than you. He is even little. Stop lying.
—It wasn't me. You all stay pretending… You knew it. He is scarier and so violent. Is not an angel as I am not the demon.
—Then, why is he the only one unconscious?!—screamed.
I felt goosebumps running my stomach and arms..
—Cause he was the one driving. He even told me he would do it. Please...
Don't hate me, don't leave me. That was my first thought after saying it
—I can't believe what you are saying. You are a total liar.
Her face was full of tears.
—Leave and never come back. He should not ever date you. You are a monster, Verú. Is all your fault. I let you inside this family because I thought… I thought you were better than this, I was wrong. Go away.
The fear was falling over my face, shaking me as a toy. I was so scared of all those words. I felt so difficult to run away from them, I was so scared of being alone. Of being alone and a burden, terribly lonely in the most scary way. But it was too late for regrets.
—Just, let me say goodbye to him.
—No—the voice was louder, almost screaming. So decided.
—Yes, let him do it. We are going to stay here, so he can't be a psycho again. Right? —the twins started to talk with each other in whispers and ended up nodding.
—Fine, they are right. Leave when you are finished.
I rubbed my face again, just trying to clean the almost falling down tears. I felt so dumb for even starting crying. They were so mean and I was just starting to cry. Nothing else mattered around me, he only did. Just as I waited, the feeling once again was voidy. All the time he treated me like I was part of their family, wasn't because they thought I was nice or something like that. I was living an strange lie that left me helpless and as a completely dumb.
Passing by her side, I got closer to his. I looked at his face and I left my knees crashing them to the cold floor. His face was so pale and the color of his lips was a fainted and almost invisible orange.
—Thank you, Juls.—I whispered, crying over the bed.—Just, was it my fault?
His chest went up and down, slowly. His hands were completely open and he didn't have an expression on his face. Was like a statue. I wished it could be that easier, I wished not to be afraid of his constant anger.
—I- I know you can't answer. And…it doesn't matter. It was nice…—the tone of my voice got lower— till it wasn't.
My ears felt weird, all the silent outside and the chaos inside me.
—I hope not to see you again. You will hope that too. Get better, Juls.
I holded his hand for the last time before I left the dorm. I said a goodbye who was totally ignored. I was almost running, till I finally went out. The door sounded slightly, as some kind of terror movie. I could barely process it all, what just happened at that time. I started crying, with the emotions over the line. Impatient and chaotic, sobbing.
At the start, it was like I stopped hearing. I could feel my chest getting breathless and my hands numb. Was it so weird, to finally leave. I was feeling happy, but with all the sadness and consequences behind it. I was in the borderline, just wanting to get back and assume any lie just if that would assure not being alone again. A part of me wanted to cry for their attention, even with any silly lie. Assuming any accussion. The other, just wanted to change the road, change all. Leave after cursing them. For leave me, yeah. I hated to be left behind. I hated to feel so unimportant, always.
I was again the eight years old me, asking for some compassion to not be left as trash. But once again, no one cared about it. No one was there to hold me, to say that it wasn't my fault or...anything. There were only eseptical faces, hateful face expressions and almost laughs.