We all have been crowding outside for the past ten minutes. I don't think I can do this anymore. My legs started moving on their own. In no time, I was running away from them. I sprinted faster. I felt an intense burn in my calves. My throat was drying up fast. But I didn't care.
My mind is filled with so many thoughts all the time. Every time I try to think of something better, my brain automatically thinks of something bad. The night when Stella wished I was dead. Well, the truth is I didn't sleep all night because of what happened between us. Maybe if I had died with them, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I have always tried so hard to make our relationship better. But it doesn't work.
This might take you by surprise, but I am lonely. I hope someday I meet someone who I can hug randomly without them questioning me. Someone who will laugh with me for hours. Someone who doesn't make me always initiate everything. Someone who will love me for who I am. Accept me in public and not just show interest in me when we are alone.
It is tiring. Always trying to fit in. Finding people in life who actually care and not just are there to not to be alone. Sometimes, I really wonder what is wrong with me? Like what did I do wrong that nobody wants to be with me? Why can I never have genuine people in my life?
Pretending to be happy all the time eventually takes away your ability to feel things. When anything happens, either you laugh it off or end up wondering why you aren't feeling it. After a point, you can't tell the difference between the emotions you are feeling. Either you are "happy" or angry. There is nothing in the middle.
I know I am not alone. Maybe you also feel like this. I want you to know that we are going to be fine. Life can be difficult at times. I really appreciate you for getting out of bed. Taking those small steps to get through. Thank you for trying.
Lol, you guys might be shocked that I, out of all people, is being so sentimental. Well, there are days when my amazing aura, is overshadowed by dark clouds. But nothing is going to stop me. Or you. We are a family. We are going to make it through together :)