"You'll do as I say young lady." my dad roared, his eyes looked like it was going to pop out from it socket soon from how wide it's opened.
"Sir, you can say whatever you've got to say but I will not do it especially not for you" I shouted matching it with his own tone.
Well he looked surprised for a few seconds probably because I had never shouted at him before, what can I say? I am not happy with him and his way of making me do things, things that I don't like but what he doesn't know is that aside having my moms physical qualities there are also few things I had in common with him, like how I could be very destructive when I get this angry and boy is he testing my limit.
"What did you just say? He took a step forward while I moved backward not because i am scared, I knew what I was getting into before I decided to speak up for myself. But taking a step back was the first thing my brain registered to me speak of defense mechanism but then IÂ remembered why I'm doing this in the first place, squared my shoulders, took my stance and awaits whats to come.
Smack! Give it to my dad that was a really hot slap, am sure the print of his five fingers will be indented on my cheek.
"Say it again Jesutofunmi, come one try it" he urges me to go on with fire swimming in the pool of his eyes.
Tears pooled up in my eyes and was threatening to fall down my face but I blinked them away so fast that I was sure he didn't see it, I'll never give him that satisfaction of seeing me cry.
And just when he thought I had nothing else to say and was about to say words that'll infuriate me more I opened my mouth.
"I will not and never will I do what you've asked me to do sir, even if you decide to kill me I'll definitely not change my mind so the earlier you get that the better for us. All these years I've respected you, I admit that I might have disappointed you once but before then IÂ brought honor to this family, Jesutofunmi act this way and like a lost puppy I do it even when its not exactly what I wanted. Did you ever care? Yes you gave me money but was it all I needed? All I wanted ? Did you care to know? All you wanted was that name (Jesutofumi's father) so that you'd be able to galivate around basking in it glory."
"And all my life I do things to keep up to the name not because I wanted it but so you wouldn't tell me how i had brought shame to you to the family from my shortcomings!" I shouted.
"Have you forgotten that am a human with flesh and blood? Papa have you forgotten that I am not a god? And I can't be perfect in everything?" I questioned him.
"Don't give me that! He exclaimed, the bible says be ye perfect even as the one who has called you is perfect." I laughed bitterly and shook my head.
"The same bible tells us that when a man falls he should stand up again and not remain in that position, so jesĂș mĂČ pĂ© edĂĄ le sĂșbĂč ( God knows a man can fall) before he said it. But what do you do when I do some things and it fails? You castigate me! That's all you do!! No sort of encouragement and now you want me to go back to the same place where you once disgraced me? To do what exactly?
My dad laughed"so they can know my daughter have made it after all they've said to me, that's all I want." He looked at me with pleading eyes, fake all fake!! When it gets registered in his brain that i won't be doing what he asked of me which I won't by the way the whole fake pleading eyes will disappear.
I shook my head to myself, after all this years this man's still the same controlling father that he was I thought back to how much I suffered before I got to this point of my life and how he didn't contribute in any way after that one time and I felt bittered.
I heard my moms voice and know she'll get here anytime soon so I opted for the only means that will keep me sane and that's going out from this suffocating room so I did.
"Do not walk out on me! he shouted after me, you wish." I slammed the door shut just when I heard my mom saying he should leave me alone.
All I know was that I kept walking, words were hard to form so instead of soliloquizing i allowed all the pent up tears from how hurt and heartbroken I felt to flow freely.
I came home hoping to hear him say "Jesutofunmi you did something bad but I shouldn't have treated you the way i did, I'm sorry" so simple! but what I got was so different from what I wanted. To say I felt pained realising that over and over again he'd choose his fame over his child was an understatement but what can I do?
I came back to this house for my mom but a little part of me had hoped that he would have changed and that hope has been crushed brutally.
Let's not go back to how he has been calling this few days to come home after how many years? for this?
Your daughter have made it, in what way did you help me?
Jesutofunmi you've brought disgrace to this family, i have been ridiculed because of you. You're a failure! I can't walk freely again because of you.... Look at how those who respected me are starting to disrespect me. I'll kill you.
Those memories made me cry harder and going for this walk had made me realize something, that's going back home, the real home.
This isn't home anymore. And I just realized it stopped being one to me when I ran away some years back.