The night left me thinking about what was happening to Josh, he had never behaved like this, he was very attentive to me. I only had the option to face it and ask it, I did not want to create a fight but it was the only way to get all those absurd and negative thoughts out of my mind, it was that or wait for things to end badly. When I got to college, the first thing I would do is go to all my classes, and finish all my homework before he leaves. So it was, in some things I asked my new friend Matt for help and he still did not refuse to help me, before all the classes finished, I ran as if my life depended on it to the parking lot, I waited about seven minutes until I saw him leave through the back entrance of the university. He looked at me surprised, because of the gestures on his face, I wasn't expecting here. But it was time to speak he approached me, he did not intend to receive him with a kiss or anything, he had to see me serious at the moment the situation warranted it.
-Hi. - He said when he was in front of me - I was looking for you all morning, we should talk. - It cannot be that he has been looking for me, he knows perfectly where to find me. -Well, here I am, and if we should talk. - Take a breath and I pointed to a bench that was a few steps from us. We walk over there and take a seat. I felt that something was wrong, this situation, the atmosphere so tense between the two. It was not right, we had never been in this situation. He sensed that from today something would change, but he feared it would be for the worse. -I know I should have talked about it before, I was just afraid of what you might think of me. You have always seen me as the best in the world and I know that no one else will see me the same way that you do- I take a deep breath, look away. As if looking at me hurt him. -I tried to fall in love with you again, try to feel the same thing that I felt that time for the girl that my eyes caught under that oak absorbed in her reading, as if that was the only thing that existed in the world. - I felt my breathing heavy and slow, as if the air did not reach my lungs, my eyes burned. I wanted to cry, but just waiting for the end of that talk, which my mind took as absurd words. -I loved you, I swear that at the time I did, but I never came to love you as I imagine you do. There is someone else in my life, and I can not cheat on you and less continue to cheat on you. - Stop listening, my world began to spin I wanted to disappear. -The best thing would be to leave this here, you are a great girl, it will be difficult to find someone who understands you because I never did and I'm sorry, but I didn't bother to do it either. - He looked at me waiting for him to speak, but I was only processing what my ears had just heard. Seeing that he didn't say anything continued. -It's better that I leave, and that you also leave after this I don't want any problems, avoid approaching me the girl who is with me does not like those things. - He got up and patted my shoulder in goodbye.
-I'm going, but I'm taking everything I offered you, if one day I said that I loved you, I will not repeat it. - I raised my face to him, with tears in my eyes. -The hours at dawn when you could not sleep, who was the one who accompanied you, the one who was always there. If you had asked me, I swear that I would have run to the end of the world to give you my hand. But apparently I was not reciprocated, you lose a huge heart, you lose what you will not find anywhere else. I'm not the wonder of the world, but I was trying to be the best for you; is your last word, perfect. I hope that one day you won't come to beg me and die of regret, I won't be there for you again. Guilty you, It was nice to have felt that you looked at me with love, with a love that I surely invented. Take care of yourself and I hope she makes you happy.-
I got up and walked as fast as my feet allowed, I just wanted to cry and that he did not realize how much that was hurting me. How I was breaking down remembering all his words as if I were a plastic doll that didn't hurt those things. I got to the library, I was usually alone at this time. I cried in silence while the pain was repressed in my chest, I had it on an altar, the best in the world I said.
I wanted to cry myself dry, I was curled up, until I felt someone's arms surrounding me in a hug; it felt so warm, like the sun in the middle of a storm. He turned to face me ... Matt, he looked at me as if he felt the same thing he was feeling at that moment, I threw myself back into his arms I just wanted to be like this until the pain passed, he just squeezed me hard. -He does not deserve you, you should learn to love with less intensity. People do not know how to love in any other way than with a certain limit, they fear getting hurt, but they end up hurting others. - -I don't know how to love just a little, or slowly, or halfway. I just give myself completely, that feels, fights and defends; that flees, but never in time. - -Soon it will only be past, you will have the beautiful memories and the teaching that in life everything is not always reciprocal. -
Matt took me home, reminded me not to cry for someone who did not know how to value my love and that I deserve more. The months went by and that's how I got to know Matt, he invited me out so I wouldn't think so much about what was hurting me. The month that I would graduate has arrived, finally the most awaited moment. Mama was not so good that we said, she said otherwise. But I knew it, she felt weaker than before and it hurt to see her like this. I saw Josh from afar, in all this time I hadn't seen him with anyone and I was very grateful for it. Only two weeks to go, and he could exercise what he loved so much. I would look for work in the best Gallery in New York, it could be Gray Art Gallery or Praxis Gallery. Both were excellent, and being there would be a luxury and I would reach so high. The last month Mom was in the hospital due to some casualties. I just did not want to lose her, to miss her at any time, she is my whole life. I went shopping with Matt, I had to buy a simple dress for prom and one for Mom. We went for the dresses, he for a gala dress and then for an ice cream; According to him, he just wanted me to be distracted. I get home, Matt left me at the door and went to help his brother with some school work, I enter the house feeling cold and empty. Everything in a deathly silence, I leave everything in the living room, I go to the kitchen and Mom is not there, I go upstairs; Maybe he is in the room, I enter hers and neither is he. I'm starting to get scared, Mom doesn't come out unless the nurse is with her, I check the bathroom and without further ado I go to mine, if she left I can only wait for her.
I stay static in the door frame, tears begin to fall. Mama is in my bed, she looks white as snow and lifeless, I approach slowly, afraid that what is going through my mind is true. -Mommy? - I call her with a small voice. - Mommy, I'm here. Let's see the dress I brought you. - I find it difficult to breathe. - Mom, I'm here. - I approach him and caress his face while tears run down my face, it is cold without ... without life. - Mommy? Come on, get up. - I start to shake her, I take her in my arms. - Mamaaa, please ... please look at me. - It was cold, with trembling in my hands I placed two fingers on her wrists taking her pulse. I sat close to the bed on the floor, tears were running down my cheeks one after the other, my chin was twitching and it wasn't exactly cold. I was afraid, my mother was gone, her body lay cold and lifeless in my bed. Perhaps she felt alone knowing that death was coming for her, and I was not ... I was not there to say goodbye to her, to tell her that I was not alone, but I was not there and my chest hurts. Its absence and the emptiness it leaves in my chest. I was like that for a while, deep in thought. Take my cell phone and call Matt. He was as fast as he could, then we called the ambulance, everything happened quickly. From one moment to another I was at his funeral and then I was already receiving my degrees, Matt was by my side at all times. And that's how our story began. He joined me for my storms, trying to calm them.
That was all for today, somewhat sad and full of strong emotions the episode ... but hey, not a happy ending without some pain. Little kisses. By: Maria.H