"The fairies aren't as far away as you might think," Spoke an old yet wise voice. It echoes through the trees, making me feel protected, like someone is watching over me. But I know that is not the case, for I have done so much wrong, I am unworthy of protection. Of guidance.
"I don't know what you mean by that," I exclaim speaking only to the trees, since the vessel of such a wise voice is currently imperceptible.
A cool breeze flows past my shoulders, causing my bits of bare skin to shiver. An empty feeling grows within me, the breeze makes me feel as though a loved one has left me. But there's no way that's possible, I have been completely alone for what feels like hundreds of lifetimes. Nobody can leave my life if they're never in it in the first place.
"You truly believe that?" A small, squeaky voice behind me questions me.
I head snaps over to where the voice was present, but nothing is in sight. "Who said that?"
"Oh I see," The voice squeaks again, still behind me.
"And I don't, where are you?" I begin to spin in circles, searching for where the voice is coming from, and shouting into the wind.
A sweet scent blows past my nose, making me feel like a child, or a young adult in love. A second later, I'm in a dark apartment. It's nice, a little fancy even. There's a huge flat screen TV mounted to a wall with a large, expensive looking couch resting in front of it. Two vast windows are on either side, opening up to a beautiful terrace overlooking an excitingly well lit city. I begin to look around, there's a large kitchen filled to the brim with expensive and- depending on one's opinion- useless appliances. Such as a coffee machine that can make its own latte art, and a food processor.
"Where am I?" I mumble as I make my way down a hall.
There's four doors in this hall, the closest one being a bathroom. Glancing into the room and immediately stopping in my tracks, I see a toilet with what might as well be hundreds of buttons on it. It's the same for the shower and the sink. There's even an intricate towel heating rack thing on the wall.
"Why am I here?" I roll my eyes at the expensive bathroom and move on down the hall.
The second door seems to be a laundry room filled with costly clothes and even more pricey equipment. I catch a glance of a gown, sparkling and nearly jaw dropping with it's beauty. Next to it, a suit that's no less than the gown. Those two next to each other just makes the other seem even more ravishing.
"Who's place is this?" I step out of the laundry and go to check out the third door.
This one seems a little off. All of the other doors have a basic handle and wooden design. But this one has a cold and silver handle with a door that must be made out of steel. Based on the exterior design alone, this room must be filled to the brim with armor and swords.
Taking a breath of the no longer sweet, but still lonesome air, I take hold of the handle and open the door. I was immediately proven wrong when Isaw that it was just a guest bedroom of some sort. There's an entire wall for video games and systems, it looks like there's generations worth of electronics here. The bed across from it appears that it must cost more than that entire wall combined. I wouldn't be surprised if it has massage features too.
I couldn't bear to check out the rest of the room, and there was a lot more of it as well. I rush out of it, slamming the door behind me. "What has gotten into me?" I whisper as I hold my hand up to my rushing heart.
After a few minutes of leaning against the extravagant door and catching my breath, I push back to my feet and trudge over to the last room. My feet get more and more heavy with every step, like I'm marching through fields of thick mud during a rainstorm.
Stopping outside of the last room, something metallic appears in my mouth. "Blood? No." It turns hard, like I'm biting down on an actual block of metal. Choosing to ignore, I enter the final room.
I almost scream at the sight of so many people, but then notice that it's a room full of mirrors. I look… off. I don't look like the me I always see. I look like I've merged with someone else. My eyes look gray like I haven't slept in years, and everything about me is a mess, from my hair to my clothes. My face is even a bit puffy, like I've been crying nonstop.
"Who am I?" I pick at my face in front of one mirror as I ask myself this. "Who are you?"
I'm not sure if I was expecting a response or not, but I never got one.
There's a thunderous crash followed by blood-curdling screams coming from the kitchen. Before I know it, all of the mirrors have cracked and glass falls all around the room. Almost like crystals raining from the sky, or the tears of the fairies that I've been told about my entire life.
Wait. Told about? Who could've possibly told me this stuff if I never had anyone in my life? "How did I get here? How do I get back? How do I know this?"
The traumatizing sound of stomping rushes towards the room I am being rained on by glass in. It makes my heart rush. Makes my blood boil and freeze millions of times over. Makes me feel like I'm having a flashback without the visions.
The steps stop just outside of the door and a furious, heavy hand grabs the doorknob. Without thinking I scream louder than the crashing of the glass, "Get me out of here!"
The door bursts open and I'm out. It's raining now. It's heavy, almost like liquid crystals. I cough up blood but I have no clue why. I don't want to move, I don't want to breathe. If I stay still then they'll think that I'm asleep and they won't hear me.
Wait. What am I talking about? Nobody could possibly hurt me if I never had anybody.
"What's going on?" I ask through thick breaths. The forest is more visible once again. It must be nearing day because the trees seem a bit brighter. Like bits of light are peaking through.
"You have forgotten," The wise voice speaks again. Though, this time it brings me no comfort, it only causes me to become angry. "More of you were forced to forget."
"Forgotten what?" I shout at the trees. "Why can't I see you? What just happened?"
"Trauma," The wise voice speaks again.
"How could I possibly have trauma?" I question the voice, trying to hold back my anger. "I never had a life that can possibly give me it!"
Something strange happens. The light shining through the trees begins to move at a rapid pace, zooming through the trees and spinning around me like a tornado of beauty. High pitched, squeaky voices all talk together as they join each other above me in their circle of sparkles.
A pit of fear grows within me as I jump to my feet and run in an attempt to escape it. But it follows me, thousands of different colours chase me through the trees. There is no escape. I have wished for this since I was a child, but now that I'm experiencing it, I don't want it. I'm being chased by fairies. What they want to do with me is a mystery. Whether I die tonight or not will soon be decided.
Then, a fate deciding misstep happens. I trip or a root and land face first in the mud. Every last bit of darkness disintegrates as I'm consumed by the light. Shutting my eyes, I accept my fate. It's not like anybody will miss me. I never had anyone. Nobody even knows that I've ever existed.
"Shut up," A fierce voice orders me. I'm standing now, and am completely clean. My eyes are still shut, I'm deciding if I should even open them or not. The deep, feminine voice sighs heavily, "Open your eyes."
I do as she says, slowly opening them and taking in my surroundings. We're in a completely black room with no source of lighting, yet we can still see each other perfectly. She has a tough, tomboy style. She looks strong, proud, always ready for anything. I wish I could be her, she looks amazing. Too bad I'm stuck with this sack of nothing.
The girl rolls her eyes, "Are you done yet?"
I give her a gaze of confusion and hurt. Why does it matter to me what she says or even does? I don't know her, she is nothing to me, just like how I'm nothing to her.
"Who are you?" I ask her, giving her a look of awe.
"Too bad you can't remember," She mumbles and picks at her nails. "I understand though."
"Understand what?" I twitch slightly, glaring at her. I already know what she's going to say. She understands me and what I'm feeling. I heard it all the time.
Wait. No I didn't. How-
"Trauma can cause memory loss," The girl responds, still focused on her nails. "The fairies will help you remember."
"Shut up," I clench my fists, digging my fingers into my palms.
The girl exhales a laugh and a mirror appears in front of me. Not cracked or anything, though it still looks pretty basic. I give her one last glare then look into the mirror. I look different. Not like me from earlier. My face looks healthy, my skin is flawless and my clothes look new. My hair isn't a mess and I don't look weak. I look happy despite the fact that I'm frowning.
"I don't want to remember," I say out of nowhere. I don't even know where it came from. I wasn't thinking that at all. "Wait, no."
The girl smiles and nods, "Then instead the fairies will help you find your way out."
The girl raises a hand but I shout, "Wait!" She stops. "How did I get here? Like into the forest?"
"You're not in a forest."
The light disappears around me but one still straggles nearby. It's light blue, like a water or wind fairy. How do I know this? I'm still in the forest though. What was that girl talking about? I'm clearly in a forest.
The light assumes a shape on my shoulder, it's beautiful. The fairy is wearing a long, light blue dress with a crown that seems to be forged from the stars. It's wings are an even lighter blue with it's nerves sparkling a rainbow. It's hair is a long and flowy brown.
"W-what's your name?" I stutter as I admire the fairy.
The fairy attempts to speak but then stops itself. It flies off of my shoulder and begins to write in the air, light blue sparkles follow it's glorious wings. Once the fairy finishes it rests back on my shoulder and I read out it's spelling.
"Numuin." The fairy nods. "Alright, Numuin, what are we doing?" Numuin points in a random direction and without any questions I go that way. "Alright then."
We walk for what feels like nearly an hour and I still see no change in location, not even a hint of a clearing. It's aggravating really. Just then, a mosquito swoops down and bites my neck, I smack it, blood squirts all over my hand.
"I hate this place!" I shout, Numuin flinches at my anger. I'm assuming that me yelling caused more mosquitoes to get pissed off because only moments later I'm getting swarmed. I scream as I run away, jumping over large roots and getting whipped by wet branches, causing my skin to appear red with scars. Numuin seems fed up with me for an unknown reason, I know this due to the fact that I can hear her heavily sigh in my ears. Why isn't she helping me? Isn't she supposed to be guiding me out of this hell hole?
Once again, I trip and fall over a large root, landing face first into the mud. Numuin leapt off my shoulder before I fell, so she didn't even get splattered. My anger rises inside of me like a flame growing to become a tornado of fire. The mosquitoes begin to attack, just causing me to lose my cool even more.
Before I get inhaled by the horrible, demonic creatures of hatred and blood, a light blue beam flashes past me, causing them all to scramble away. As I lift my mucky face out of the drowning mud, I catch sight of Numuin shining like a star from the furthest ends of space. It's almost inspiring really. It makes me feel just a little lighter inside.
Just then, the sky lightens up and streaks of light reach through the trees. This time I'm positive that they aren't fairies either. It truly is an amazing sight, and as fast as my anger came it has now also disappeared.
Slowly, I lift myself back to my feet. Numuin brings me a large leaf to wipe the mud off of my face. I accept it with a smile and it does an amazing job at clearing up the mud.
Tossing it back to the ground, I raise my palm and allow Numuin to land in it, "What just happened?"
"Well," Numuin squeaks and my eyes widen from shock.
"You can talk?" I try to keep my voice down, I don't want to ruin her hearing by speaking too loudly.
Numuin smiles wide, "You can finally understand me?"
"Is that why you drew your name instead of speaking it earlier?" I feel a wave of joy and energy stream through every inch of my body. Like it's growing plants within my nerves.
Numuin nods, her wings seem to sparkle even brighter with the increasing light. "You must be at a certain level in life to be able to understand us."
"What does that mean?" We begin walking once more, I keep her well positioned in my palm, making sure not to move my hands too much.
"My name means growth," She starts explaining as I carefully step over a bunch of large roots. It's much easier to see them now that it's brighter. "In order for you to understand me, you must grow as a person. Which you have managed to achieve."
"I guess that makes sense," I mumble, trying to wrap my brain around everything. "How much longer until we find our way out?"
"That's a process," Numuin giggles, providing me with no help whatsoever. I roll my eyes and my surroundings begin to grow dimmer. Her voice is barely audible when she says, "If you keep that up then you won't be able to understand me again."
"Whatever," I grumble and drop the hand she was resting on. She floats next to me as we continue to make our wave through the vast and towering trees. I can tell that she is a mixture of fed up and worried about me.
Eventually it becomes pitch black once more like it's midnight in winter, the only light is emitting off of Numuins wings and that's not even enough for me to see anything. We stop outside of a large, open tree. The kind with a trunk that a few people can fit inside of. Numuin flies over to it and signals me to join her. I guess that we'll be resting here for now.
I crouch inside of the trunk, doing my bed to ignore the spiders, beetles and other horrifying pests. Though they don't seem to be ignoring me. The more I think about how much I hate them, the more they come to bother me. It's like an annoying little sister.
The temperature grows chilly as my heart slows from the cease of movement and activity. I wrap my arms around my waste and lay down in hopes that my own bodily temperature will keep me warm enough. But it doesn't last long till I begin to see my own struggled and jagged breaths. Glancing over to Numuin, I see her watching me, waiting, hoping for me to lighten up a bit more.
Now I see. The worse I feel, the more hell of an experience this will be. But I can't help if I'm short tempered. It's not like breathing exercises or meditation will help me. That shit never works.
I notice my hair begin to frost from the cold and my ears feel as though they will fall off. I sniff the air, it smells like a winter morning, the kind that should have snow everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if it started to snow. My nose runs and I cough for a good minute, I must be coming down with something. I'll probably be dead before I ever even get near to escaping this forest.
Numuin comes out of nowhere and grabs my face with her little hands, looking a little desperate. She's squeaking loudly but I have a feeling that I know what she's saying. She's begging me to stop thinking like that.
"How am I supposed to calm down if things just keep getting worse?" I ask her, with genuine concern for how everything will turn out.
She lets go of me and writes something in the air. Sadly, her glorious sparkles provide me with no warmth whatsoever. She finishes writing and lands back in front of me. She spelt out, 'Look Positives.'
"Look for the positives?" I give her a questioning glance. She nods frantically. "I don't see anything positive though, and I wouldn't really say that I'm still alive is a positive at this moment." I begin to cough repeatedly, tasting a hint of blood as I struggle to breath. My gut cramps up as I hold it tighter, wincing in pain.
Numuin grabs my face once more, and slaps me. It doesn't hurt or anything, someone of her size couldn't damage me. But it does leave me shocked, and for a moment- and only a moment- the pain disappears.
"It's all in my head," I groan, clenching my teeth as the pain increases and decreases like a rollercoaster in the clouds. I wonder what it would be like to feel a cloud. Would it be thick, or would my hands pass through it as easily as air?
The pain lightens.
Damn, now I want some cotton candy. I wonder if cotton candy would melt if it were to touch a cloud like it does when it touches water. I lick my lips, noticing that they're dry. I could really go for a nice, icy cold glass of water right now. Oooh or maybe a calming cup of jasmine tea. Jasmine is my favourite.
The pain is little to none by the time I exit my fantasy. Food is always a good go to when you need a distraction. Chuckling, I lift myself up. Numuin is staring at me with pure astonishment as our surroundings warm up and rays of light begin to peak through once more.
"How did you?" Numuin questions me, looking all around like we're just teleported somehow.
"Food," I immediately respond. We both laugh loudly and everything brightens like it's midday.
"That is a good starting point," She smiles and peaks outside of the tree trunk. "Though you'll need to think of more powerful positive thoughts as we continue to walk."
"Obviously," I chuckle and exit the trunk. She gets back on my shoulder and I admire our surroundings as I skip and leap or roots and small streams. It's a calm and cozy morning, the kind that will make you want to be outside all day.
"I think you are ready for the next step," Numuin randomly says as I admire a patch of glorious flowers. "I have to warn you though, it will be painful."
I almost question her for what she means by that but then think of a better response. With an expression of eagerness I cheer, "Bring it on!"
She smiles even wider, "Alright then. Follow me." I do as she says. After almost no time of walking, we found a cave. Though it doesn't seem like any normal kind of cave. Before we enter it I can already see drawings on the walls, nothing like cave paintings of people hunting, but more of the kinds of drawing a child would make.
As we enter, I notice an area of a variety of flowers directly in the center of the cave. They appear healthy and lively despite being in the middle of a dark cave. "What am I supposed to do?"
Numuin shrugs, "I don't know, figure it out."
Now I understand why she provides so little context, it's hardly growth and improvement if you're always given the answers. As I make my way over to the flowers, I notice them grow even more healthy.
I sit in the middle of them, crossing my legs and hoping that I didn't kill them. Shutting my eyes, I'm immediately transported to another world. I didn't even need to take a breath, amazing.
It's dark. I hear cars honking and driving through puddles not too far from where I stand. As I take in my surroundings, I realize that I am in the middle of an alleyway. It smells of piss and trash, it nearly makes me gag. I already want to leave, I already hate it here. I can feel wet cobblestone under my feet and my drenched hair creates knots around my shoulders. Glancing down, I notice that I'm missing a sandal. My mouth tastes off, like I've been crying and my tears have been falling onto my tongue as I wept. Finally, I hear shouting in the distance. It's a man and a woman. The woman cries and screams for help as the man shouts at her to shut up.
Running towards the commotion, I see the man holding the woman's hair with one hand and wacking her with my sandal in with the other. They're faces are blurred, blanked out by a black censorship bar.
The woman glances over at me and screams, "Alex, run away! Get help!"
The man throws her to the ground, shouting, "Shut up, bitch!" He begins to stomp his way towards me and I freeze up. My nerves turn to ice and I collapse onto the freezing wet stone. "Get over here!" The man shouts once more only a step away from me and everything turns dark.
I'm back in the cave but my heart is racing. I want to scream, cry, and throw up. I want to be safe, I'm not safe. I'm never safe. I don't deserve safety. I'm weak and useless. I can't do anything right.
The outside has become night once more and I can see Numuin worriedly watching me as I lose control. Why isn't she trying to help me? Right, growth. Fucking growth. I hate this. I hate everything just like how everything hates me.
Also, who is Alex? Am I Alex? Who was that woman? Was that supposed to be my mother? No, there's no way. I never had a mother. I never had anyone. But if she is, then who is that man? Is he- I sure hope not, but is he my father? What was happening? If that was me then how old was I in that time? Right, I need to think positive thoughts. I can slowly figure this out as we go, but for now, I need a distraction. But what happened after everything went dark? Oh god, I don't want to think about that. No good lies in the darkness.
"Hello? Can you still understand me?" Numuin appears right in front of me and I give her a tearful nod. "Good, you really are growing." She looks me up and down, I'm sure that I look hideous right now with my ugly crying. "I know it's painful, but I know that you will grow past it. I believe in you."
Her words feel empty to me, but I know she really does care. I need to focus, I need to get out of this forest. I wonder what it would be like to live in a cabin in the woods. Waking up every morning to the beautifully shining sun, going out to the lake and swimming everyday and night. Climbing trees and reading books in them. Having barbecues with friends over. I wonder what it would be like to have friends. Sleep overs and laughter. Going to the movies together, having lunch together, hanging out in the neighbourhood together. The very thought of it all makes me cry, but not the tears I've been crying for what feels like my entire life, but tears of joy and hopefulness. I'm sure that if I had friends, no. Once I get friends, they will be able to cheer me up whenever I cry those tears of sadness again. If we were both sad at the same time then we will be able to cry together, only increasing our bond.
It's day out again once I finally completely calm myself down. I feel truly happier, I feel like I'm looking forward to getting out of this forest. I'm going to miss Numuin, but I'm sure she will enjoy going back home to the other fairies as well once she's finished guiding me.
"Ready to go?" She asks once she notices how much I've improved.
"Not just yet," I wave off her prompt with a grateful grin. "I just want to go back to daydreaming again."
"Whatcha thinking about?" She lands and takes a seat next to me.
"What it will be life once I get myself some friends," I beam, admiring the drawing on the cave's walls. It's mainly stick figures, and a majority of them are sad. "Did I make thoses?"
Numuin joins me in the brightness of our beams that seem to lighten up the cave better than the sun outside. "Yes, yes you did."
I chuckle joyfully, "I'm a terrible artist."
"Yeah well, I'm sure that some people would admire your creativity," Numuin takes flight once again. "Now, let's get a move on."
I chuckle once again as I get to my feet, "Alright, alright." We make our way to exit the cave somehow feeling more joyful than before. I take one last look at the drawings, they're all smiling now, even the little suns are happy.
"You're growing quite quickly," Numuin mentions as we continue to walk. It's mainly been in silence. I've just been enjoying the sounds of the animals and flowing water, this truly is an amazing place.
"Isn't that a good thing?" I give her a glance as we continue to walk.
"It's an amazing thing actually," She squeaks and dances. "Now you just need to have a little bit of patience."
I've already figured out what she means by that. If we keep walking then I will eventually find my way out. Now I just need to stay positive in order to keep it that way. Though, with how I'm feeling right now, nothing could ruin my mood. I hear a bunch of birds chirping and when I look over, I see a nest with two finches perched in front of a bunch of their babies. What a glorious site. I'm looking forward to having a family like that, even if I'm the one that has to make it. I will achieve that future, I know I will.
After about ten minutes of walking, we begin to see a clearing. My heart starts to race and I feel like dancing with joy. Hell, what's stopping me from doing so?
Numuin joins me in the dancing as we skip and move through the clearing. Flowers are set to air and gloriously float back to Earth. As we move closer a bed in the center of a portal appears on the ground. It looks familiar but I'm still not quite sure from where. I'm sure that I'll know eventually though.
We both stop just in front of the portal, and I turn to face Numuin. "Thank you," I speak with wholeheartedness. "I truly am grateful. I hope that you have an amazing life with the rest of the fairies."
"I will alway be here to guide you back if you were to ever get lost again," she reaches out her hand to shake mine, I give her my pinky finger and we both giggle.
"I'll miss you," I give her one last smile and wipe away my tears.
She just gives me a bright smile and I turn back to the portal. Before I get onto it, I'm prompted by some sparkly words to shout my name. Without thinking I shout, "Alex!" But nothing happens. Then, something pops into my head, and before I try to understand what it is, I decide to just let it out. "Alex Croissance!" The words decide to the ground and I move towards the portal.
As I step onto it, it feels like carpet. I make my way to the bed and crawl into it, feeling as though I'm growing smaller with every step. I lay my head on the soft and comforting pillow and throw the warm covers over top of me. Slowly drifting off to sleep, the last thing I see is Numuin smiling proudly at me.
I awaken in a small room with the sun just peeking up over the horizon. Everything is small and I'm surrounded by my toys. A soft, little teddy bear is cradled in my arms and the sound of laughter and music floods my ears. I slide off of my bed and waddle over to my door, reaching towards the handle to open it. As I open it and slowly make my way down the hall, the noise gets louder and my mood is getting even more joyful and energized.
I peek past a corner and see my parents dancing in the living room, they immediately notice me. Their smiles only grow wider as my mother comes to pick me up and dance with me in her arms. The soothing movements and sounds cradle me off to sleep and my teddy rests in my arms as I rest in my parents' arms.