Flickering lights drizzled against the glass as the wall of cereal boxes supported my back.
I knew this day would come sooner or later.
The store echoed with footsteps overlapped with chatter. I just stood there staring at the black screen and clutched onto the crinkling bag of original flavored Crunchy Crunch Pota-chan chips.
"Let's break up," said the black screen.
Finally.. after all this time.
The pitter patter from my heart squeezed my conscience into anxiety.
"Why?," I asked.
Even now..I linger.
Why? Why did I ask that... it's already obvious why.
"Because.. I can't do this anymore. I can't love you the way you want me to and I can't be a man I can be proud of," the voice sniffled and was interrupted with a shuffling of footsteps.
"What're you doing out here? Come inside, dinner is almost ready," another voice said.
"Yeah, I'll be there. Almost done raking leaves," said the screen.
"You heard that... I have to go now. Bye," he said just as the black screen flashed to the wall paper of a bird playing with a small bell tied to a red ribbon in its mouth.
This was for the best for the both of us, he told me.
Don't you mean it's the best for you..?
My chest felt as though a thousand metal poles had slammed against it, leaving little room for air to reach my lungs.
I knew it... I am alone.
"Are you okay..?" a young man asked me. His hair shined of dusty pink and his cool silver grey eyes pierced my gaze. They were a warm wonder of concern.
"I-uh- hick-" my eyes burned red and began to blur once more. I could feel a hot gloop rushing down my nostrils as people around me began to murmur.
No no no... so embarrassing crying with snot in front of a whole audience..
The blobbed pink figure handed me a white blob.
"Here," the blob walked closer to me, blocking the view of the other blobs.
It was a soft cotton handkerchief. I blew as hard as I could.
"I don't care anymore! Blowing your nose shouldn't be embarrassing! If you needa blow, you needa blow!" I cried out.
The man laughed and said," Hehe, I'm glad you're alright now."
I heard his clothes rustle moving away as I wiped my tears.
"Wait! Your handkerchief! Oh who am I kidding, of course he wouldn't want it back. It's covered in snot... Well, that was nice of him," I took a deep breath and exhaled," Icecream! Now is the time for icecream and snacks and yummy Pota-chans!"
I drove through the silent neighborhood and took a deep sigh. My tears were dry as I carried my bags of groceries to the damp wooden porch.
The clunk of metal plates magnetically clanged onto the white glassed screen as lit up ripples played colorful notes onto the door.
Home sweet home.
I had spent the whole night bingeing on fantasy horror series. The next morning I woke with deep dark circles around my eyes. Ugh... atleast I don't have work today.
The warm water ran against my hands then I splashed the crystaling liquid onto my face.
Bzzzzttt.. Bzzztttt...
The glass buzzed and rang infront of me.
"Work"
Well, there goes my day off...
Throughout the day, I couldn't help but think of him. He was a part of my life 24/7 and now, I have to consider him out of it. He was so much a part of what I believed was love. If I were to ever be in a relationship, I used to believe I would have it perfect. Land the perfect guy on the first try and marry my first love. But reality fucks fantasies and that's the truth.
As our days began to shorten little by little, I knew the day would come where I couldn't take it. It did, but I thought, if it was love, I can overcome all the pain and be patient, since love is patient.
I don't know if I was right or wrong in being "patiently in love" with him in our arguments, in his tantrums. But I know now, I was wrong for believing love was our relationship.
He was in love with his ideal image of me and I was obsessed with his attention towards me. I slowly learned that the hard way and he knew it from the first day.
When we were just classmates in highschool I confessed to him but, he told me, " It's not love. You just love the attention I give you."
"Zane! are you coming or what? Is your girlfriend jealous?" a few girls asked him.
"Nah, we're just friends," he said.
At that moment, I partially felt his reply was a harsh and rude rejection. Do people usually say things like that to a girl's confession? I get it now. He was right. I was lonely and vulnerable, all alone with no one by my side and he was conveniently there. But if that's true...why did he bother to confess soon after. Why did I have to fall in the trap of hope.
I remember my prayer years ago as a six year old. I asked God," Please, please send me someone who will truly love me. I will be patient and love him always, so please God, guide him to me and guide me to him."
And yet I prayed again years later," Dear God, I want to be with Zane. Please, if there is any hope, I pray he will one day love me. I'll do anything."
I was so desperate for someone who was "there" even I could hear God telling me, "No. He's not the one." Why didn't I listen...
Our relationship started out as an obsession. Me, obsessed with him being in my life and him obsessed with me being his ideal "doll".
Love can become an obsession, but obsession is not love.
"Ugh! Why did they have to call me in?" I complained to myself.
"Hm.. Well, we did end up with shorter hands since Christmas is coming up in a few days," said William," Besides, you didn't have to come if you had other plans with Zane." I could feel cold sweat gripping me since I heard his lips say his name.
"We're not together anymore," I said irritatedly.
"Uwahh, really?! I thought you two were enseparable? Like one mochi stuck to another? Are you okay? Wow! So you guys broke up! Why?" he asked.
"William, has anyone ever tell you? You're such a jerk," I told him and rubbed my eyes, quickly rushing to the back room to grab more supplies.
"Heh, I guess I hit a nerve or two," I heard him say between his smiling teeth.
Why did I tell him that? He didn't have to know. I knew he would react that way, but it always annoys me when he acts like he can say whatever he wants whenever he wants. Grow a God damn filter, you fricken jerk.
William and Zane never got along. Though Zane was my first friend in highschool, William later joined us as a transfer student.
-6 years ago-
"Hey guys, I'm William! I'm new here, but please get along with me!" he cheerfully introduced himself.
I remember he was always off somewhere and randomly appearing where ever I was. I almost thought he was stalking me, but I guess it was because he was just coincidently there.
Like that one time.
Zane had just rejected my confession and I knocked into a student mural. Some kids helped carry me back to the nurse's office. The whole time I dreamt of Zane happily being by my side and then pushing me away, telling me," We're just friends."
When I woke, William was there tending to my wounds. He wrapped my right wrist and said, "Hey, you, I saw the whole thing! You need to becareful where you're looking."
He was wearing a grey t-shirt with bolded letters saying," Don't give up. Give in."
"What's that?" I asked pointing to his shirt.
"This? It's my favorite song from Roa. Have you ever heard of him?" he asked me. I shook my head and he said," Haha, you should try listening to him." He took out his phone from his back pocket and played the song.
"So what do you think?" he asked me.
"It's.. nice," I said.
He grinned and said," Right?! You should listen to more of his songs! Ah, but he only has two more out. He recently stopped his career to focus in school. Can you believe it? He's just a kid like us and yet he's singing and producing amazing songs!"
We could hear squeaking from the hallways.
"Aika! Are you okay?!" Zane had busted into the room in sweat, his gaze analyzing the two of us.
William had just finished wrapping my hand in bandages, so it looked like he was holding my hand. I froze, not knowing whether to explain the situation or not, especially shaken from seeing his appearance. Maybe he did care about me.
"Oh, I guess you're okay. See you at school tomorrow then," he said before leaving.
I didn't feel so good. I felt nauseous, angry, sad, hurt, and most of all disappointed... he never stopped to look back.
"What the hell is wrong with you!" William called out. Zane and I were shocked by his assertive tone. Did he see my confession too? If so, he's just a stranger pitying another stranger. Thanks, stranger.
-Present-
"Memories, memories, to hell with em. What did they ever do for me anyway," I cried.
"Lights are out now. It's pretty late. How long are you gonna drink? I'll walk you home. Want the usual jello and buns?" he held my hand to lift me back onto my feet and walked me out of the store.
I was still zoned out for most of the day. All the crying and overthinking the past three years exhausted me out. I was a zombie on autopilot until I heard," Zane!" followed by smooches and a tight hug.
It was Ora, his childhood friend.
"Wha, wow, new girlfriend?" William blurted out loud.
Normally I'd want to punch him, but right now, my mind grew weaker and my heart grew louder. "So this is what he wanted all along," I said.
"Aika!" William called after me.
I stomped away and started to run.
I ran as far as I could under the icy grey sky.
I ended up in the middle of the trafficking bridge over the sea. I climbed the metal railing and reached into my grocery bag for the Banoina jello cup and swung my arm," Goodbye stupid weird Jello! I was gonna give them all to you Zane, you stupid jerk! I hate banana jello anyway!" I gasped, "Wait!"
"What am I doing? What if I get caught littering the ocean. The fee won't be something to laugh at. Fuck it! They can't fine me if I'm in hell! It's pathetic that they might find me dead with jello, but hey, who cares!" I jumped, but I felt a tug at my shirt then a strong grasp on my right wrist as the wind pulled me back to the bridge floor.
"William?" I said.
"Are you crazy!" yelled the pink haired young man. His hair was handsomely sleaked back with some bangs peaking onto his forehead. He had just pulled me down from the rail, landing me faced into his chest. His hands gripped my shoulders, pushing me away for him to get a look at my face. "Are you okay?!" he asked angrily, his voice simmering down. He dusted the snow off my shoulders and patted me down," Are you bleeding?"
Eh.
Is he... crying?
"What made you do that?!" he demanded an answer. Then his face looked shocked, silenced by the wind for a moment. Tears ran down his face as the falling snow kissed our heads.
Is this deja vu?
A stranger helping another stranger out of pity.
Or was it sincere?
Why was this stranger crying? Was it because of me?
I rubbed my wrists and struggled to respond, "I-"
"Aika! Finally! What the hell, Aika! Didju ever run for track!? Nevermind that! What the hell did you almost pull, you stupid, stupid!" He pulled me up back onto my feet," Thanks man, I don't know what I would've done if you weren't here.." his voice drifted as soon as his gaze met the stranger's silver grey eyes.
"Ah..haha, thanks man. You have my gratitude. Please, take this as my thanks," William handed him a card and walked me off the bridge.
I could still see his dusty pink hair. It looked like he was still wiping his tears away.
Did I really make him cry or was he crying before I got here..?