I spaced off, no longer here. My mind relaying a series of events that have yet to transpire. Sweat dripped down forming a miniature puddle of salty water. Time passed by yet my senses made no note of it. A cold jab struck my temple causing me to come back to my senses. It was Vanessa, we were at the cafeteria sitting across from one another. "What's wrong with you?" she yelled angrily. "What happened?... Sorry I spaced out" I replied. Her brown eyes, screamed with fury. She had the aura of a goddess that could crush your soul with a firm clasp as she hovered over me. Vanessa caught me up to speed, apparently I had sat down, introduced myself, told her about Dr. Kristen followed by my crazy plan. And according to her we were dating now. But, as for the smack? Turns out after hearing her say yes when I asked her out, I spaced out and stared blankly at her left breast for thirteen minutes. I swore to her I just spaced out but she wasn't buying it. Her hand gripped my wrist and we headed back to her room to wait for nightfall. Inside her room string lights streamed around her bed, drawings and sketch pads strewed her floor. Clothes were jumbled and tossed across her room, her bed was the only thing that was well tended. I assume she didn't sleep last night by the looks of things. My head turned around to see Vanessa, she was searching for black clothes for tonight's mission. "What was that all about yesterday? The whole kicking and screaming?" I asked. "I refused to take my medicine, the nurses came in and tried to force me to take it, so I attacked." she said smiling. "I see." I replied. "I usually just throw them up." I said. She pretended to ignore it. I felt the room grow awkward, I began to panic so I did the best move I could and opened up. "You know, the reason i'm here is because...I tried to drown myself. I didn't think my life really mattered in the grand scheme of things. I didn't think the world would care if I was gone. I thought the world would be better off without me, to me I was my own burden and a burden to the world around me. I thought I was just wasting space. I felt useless in the sense that I couldn't get myself unstuck. One day, one morning when the sun was shining and the day was moving slow, I decided that I was going to die that day. There was no fight in it, there was no anger, no pain. There was nothing, just defeat." Vanessa stopped searching, she was just looking at me broken heartedly. Her lips opened but no words came out. "I asked my mother to go to breakfast with me that morning. There were a few things I wanted to do before I left and one of those things was to have a moment together with my mom. They served breakfast and pancakes all day at this diner nearby. When we got there however, all I could do was stare at the people around me. Observing their lives, and all I could think was how nice it must be to experience that. To experience normal life. To experience time with your friends, your family. To share a moment with someone who enjoys your company, a person who welcomes you into their lives. To be apart of something, to not feel alone." her eyes were watery but I had trailed off "I ordered pancakes but I could never eat em. Even if I tried i'd just grab the fork but I wouldn't want to eat. My muscles felt weak. The whole time we were there we never talked. After an hour in silence we left. I made the attempt to contact a few kids I knew from school, just to see someone before I left. No one answered. Pretty soon it was night. I told my mother i'd be back soon, and drove down to a nearby lake. I called the cops before I went in so some poor passerby wouldn't have to find me floating. When I called I had to hold in the tears as I reported a suicide by drowning before hanging up. I took my clothes off and well..." My smile had vanished, the room became silent. "At night I can't even sleep, I toss and turn. Even when I do have nightmares, when I wake up I just have thoughts of suicide then I feel lonely." Vanessa eyes began to water up, her voice choked up. "I'm sorry." she said. We both understood the feeling. We stood in silence staring, locking eyes with one another. She wiped her tears and I looked away, she broke the silence "Here, try it on." it was a dainty black hoodie, I reached over and grabbed it. It was a tight fit but I managed to squeeze arms through. Next up was jeans, which luckily Vanessa's fit me perfectly, on a sadder note it made my butt stick out quite a bit. She smiled jokingly, "Nice! Imma get changed." she said. "Okay." I answered. She entered the bathroom and shut the door slowly. I liked seeing her smile, being her comedic relief, especially after making her tear up like that, it made me feel like I was doing something right. Even if it was at my own expense. I had black jeans back at my room but I figured i'd make an attempt to lighten her mood. She exited the bathroom dressed like a ninja without the mask. "Where'd you get the costume?" I asked. "It's from halloween." she replied. "Wheres the mask?" I said. "I lost it." she said. "You just carry that around?" I asked. "I like this costume." she replied. Her fingers formed a cross followed by a silly ninja run towards the door. I walked towards her, she opened the door and peered left to right then left again. "Okay let's go." she whispered. Vanessa lead the way, leaving a trail of perfume with each step. We walked slowly on the tips of our feet towards the cafeteria. The moonlight shined in through the glass doors granting us a small amount of visibility. We kept to the wall avoiding any light. Up ahead was the main office. There was a small table lamp perched on one of the desks. It was all eerily empty. The office consisted of two desks forming half circles with two small entrances. "You search through the drawers" Vanessa whispered. She searched the filing cabinet. Nothing, there were no complaints. I searched through the stacks of paper on the tables until, "I found it!" Vanessa said. The drawers were shut, and the papers were placed back into place. We tiptoed quickly through the cafeteria, until we saw a light down the corridor up ahead it must have be one of the nurses. We dashed across the cafeteria towards the glass doors, we unlocked it and made our way onto the the hospital's yard. We needed a new way back to our hallway and into our rooms. We hurried around the building. My room was on the second floor, I spotted a window we could open. "Get on" I told Vanessa. She got on my shoulders, I stood, she got up and began to climb onto the ledge. She placed her hand against the window and slid it to the left. Her left hand gripped the window stool, her feet against the building like spider woman her right hand reached down for me to grab. I stepped back, me feet moved swiftly across the wet grass. I extended my arm as high as I could. My hand gripped hers and she proceeded to climb through the window with her left arm, but I weighed far too much for her to pull us both in. I reached for the ledge with my left hand. I managed to grab the ledge. I let go of her and swing my right hand onto the ledge. Vanessa climbed inside meanwhile, I shimmied my way towards the window, trying not to slip. I got to the window and Vanessa reached out to grab me while I made my way in. The window was shut and we hurried towards our hall. We could hear nurses and security on their way. When we reached it our hallway, Vanessa's door was open. The sound of voices and footsteps grew louder. We hurried into my room and closed the door. We ran towards the window, they were searching for us outside. The steps got louder, my door swung open and Vanessa pushed me to the ground. She slid the paperwork underneath my bed. Nurses and security rushed inside. Vanessa gripped shoulders and kissed me, my hands found there way to her waist while my eyes closed. "There she is" one of them yelled. "We looked back at the staff acting surprised. "We were just..." Vanessa said acting embarrassed. "We came to check in on you, we saw you were missing." the nurse said. "Sorry" Vanessa said. I layed there awkwardly, Vanessa was still on top of me only now her attention was focused on the nurse. "You should get back to your room. it's late. You should get going." the nurse said. "I'll tell the others we found her." said the security guard. "I'm sorry, do you mind if I say goodbye first." Vanessa asked softly. "Okay. But don't take too long." the nurse responded. The door shut and it was just me and Vanessa. I stared at her as she got up. I reached for the papers, before proceeding to stand. I handed it to her. "Thanks" she said softly. Her eyes teared up then she looked up at me. She bursted with tears wrapping her arms around my back, gripping me tightly. She sobbed and sobbed, I rubbed her back slowly. "It's okay, shhh shhh shhh, its okay. I'm here." I didn't know how to stop her from crying, so I just let it happen. In any case like this it's best to tell the other person what they need to hear or distract them. Only, I had no clue why she was crying. My attempt at comforting her wasn't working. I was caught off guard. "I love you." she said gasping for air. My brain froze, and I understood why she was crying now. "I...I love you too Vanessa." I gripped her tighter. I didn't know why I said it. In that moment something changed. I knew i'd never be the same. I surrendered myself. Her brown eyes weld me defenseless. Up this close she looked just as helpless as I did. Her chest burned as hot as mine. And I no longer felt so alone. The world felt manageable, but would it last? Would any of this ever last, was I lying to myself? I didn't know but I did the best thing I could and just enjoyed it. Took it for what it was, two people in desperation for a savior, desperation for love, in need of a companion through our hardships, and that's what we were. Companions who found one another. I was now hers. I was now in love. Her name was Vanessa and her name meant everything to me. That night she never went back to her room, after crying herself out she got tired and layed down on my bed I stayed right by her. My hand made it's way down suprisingly her stomach was flat as in she didnt have a belly button. I searched for it but gave up, summing it up to an anomaly. I held her until eventually we both fell asleep. "Wake up." I heard. I felt a shake followed by, "Hey wake up." Vanessa was hunched over me, my eyelids were heavy "I was wondering if you'd like to go with me to get breakfast." she said softly. I sat up and rubbed my eyes groggily agreeing with a, "mhm" and a nod. "Great! I'm gonna go get changed i'll see you in a bit." she said. She got up and left. I got and called my nurse while rushing to look for something to wear. After that I rushed into the shower, dried off then proceeded to get dressed when I heard a knock. I opened the door for the nurse and proceeded to take my medicine. When she left I went in to brush my teeth, I figured it wouldn't hurt to just take my medicine for today. Another knock, I fixed my hair and rushed to my door. Vanessa was dressed in a long sleeved yellow crew neck with joggers. Her hair was done up into a bun, she wore mascara but no makeup. Her eyes stood like this, complementing her natural beauty. "Hey are you ready?" she asked. "Yeah." I replied stepping out. I closed my door, and my eyes stayed locked on Vanessa. I walked by her side, she grabbed my hand. The corridors were empty. My heart was beating wildly, my kiln burned with great intensity. I didn't want to be any other place but here. "What are you having?" I asked as we entered the cafeteria. "A smoothie." she replied. "A smoothie? That does sound nice actually." I responded. We ordered two smoothies then stood in line for a while. As I waited I couldn't help but look outside, from out the glass door the world looked so peaceful, the sun shined on all the trees, all the grass and for once it felt like it wasn't mocking me. For once I actually wanted to be a part of it. Vanessa nudged my shoulder, regaining my attention. Her head motioned over to an empty table where we sat. She handed me my drink with the straw in. "Thank you." I said before slurping down a jetstream of banana kiwi infused with honey. Despite how I may have felt before, I wanted to go outside at that moment. It was all I could focus on, but I wanted to be there with Vanessa. I had completed my drink in under thirty seconds since I sat down. Vanessa raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "It's nice out. Do you wanna go outside?" I asked nervously. Vanessa pulled her lips from the straw, "Sure, that sounds like a good idea." she answered. I smiled joyfully as Vanessa finished her drink before heading out.