It was almost eight in the morning on Sunday when Ethan was already seated on one of the small benches present in the chapel where the inmates could seek their faith. The chapel was pretty big and not that compact. It had just the basic necessities for a mass to be conducted there, or even for prisoners to go seek for confessions. Being in the center of the inmate lock area, it was well lit from its east as the sun shimmered in through the windows. The air today was still chilly and there was no sign of a better tomorrow from the heavens as the previous day. After a difficult shower, with a lot of pain and anger and hope from yesterday, he darted to the special house to speak to Him, in hopes that he would find something that he was looking for from Him. Derreiro's words from yesterday were what led him here today. In the end, we all look up to one person for help.
He was alone this time of the morning in this room, as he felt like he was on a mission. Ethan was a heavy sleeper. He liked sleeping a lot. Whenever he woke up early, he had a purpose for doing so as he was doing right at the moment. The room was warm however and soon enough people would fill the holy room to converse and pray. Father Cosmas would be here an hour from now to give a sermon to the members present. Seating alone on the first bench, he stared at the cross by what he considered to be the altar.
Starting with the sign of the cross, Ethan began. "In the name of the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit." He took a long pause as he stared at the cross with Jesus nailed on it.
"Hello there." He snuffed. "It's been a while since I've come and talked to you, to seek for your guidance…" His voice was still as heavy as yesterday. "I know I'm not perfect or a good person but… do I really deserve this? Look at me… look at my face, look at where I am." He scoffed. "What am I doing here? Why am I here?" he kept quiet as if he was waiting for an answer. There was nothing but silence instead. Deafening silence.
"You know what really happened that night so show everyone the truth. Show me the truth!" His voice rose as it was being accompanied by his raised eyebrows and lost eyes that searched the cross in despair and hopelessness. "What did I do to deserve this?" His question was followed by another silence.
He gulped. "She's out there, all on her own. She's pregnant with my baby and she's out there all by herself. She needs me, even if she doesn't realize it… she needs me. My sister needs me too. How can she face my parents without my help? How will they be able to believe that all the children they have are not okay?"
"I know that you're up there somewhere and can hear me. You know that I love her so much to have ever done that to someone like her. Something happened. I don't know what but you know… so please tell me. Tell me something, anything." Silence followed after his break. He gritted his teeth as his anger started to rise. "For fucking's sake! Answer me!"
A stray cold tear managed to find its way down his red cheekbones. He never bothered to wipe it away.
"I can no longer do this anymore" He cried out to Him. "So tell me that things will be okay. Show me a sign, anything! Just do something!"
The cross remained stiffly in position and looked at him as it offered no answer that he was waiting for.
"Show me something!" There was an uproar of anger in his broken somber heavy voice. "Dear God, can you hear me!"
Silence. Nothing but silence.
Ethan took the necklace Derreiro had handed him from his pocket and held it in his hands. The more he stared at the cross in front the more he found himself strangling the necklace to its core by the strength of his hand. Tears were now flowing down both of his cheeks.
"You said that you will always be there when we call up to you. So I'm right here, right now out of options. You're all I have left. If it is true that I raped her then tell me, and let your wrath on me. If not then tell me too, because I need to know… please." The room was still quiet. So, so quiet.
He bolted with a fury of anger and desperation as he threw the necklace at the cross.
"ANSWER ME!!!!"
It collided with the cross affording some small noise before it fell on the floor. Silence claimed the empty spot again.
He broke into tears as he dug his face into his hands and wept alone. At that moment, he was reminded of the unfair and unjust world he was living in. A prey of unfortunate circumstance… that's what he was.
The girl he loved hated him from what he could tell and he knew that he was never going to see her. He had badly wanted to ask for forgiveness when he was still in the outside world and failed to receive it from her. When she had surprised to visit him, he thought that maybe she'd finally come to see things the way he saw them. How wrong he was! It was worse. He had to beg for her forgiveness again in a sorrowful way, filled with tears and sad emotions, and still got none. She wasn't angry at him, as she had told him… but he knew that she hated him for putting her in that position. She went without forgiving him and he fell apart when he realized that she was going to live on hating him her entire life.
Ethan cried out for redemption, assistance, sympathy, and help from Him, but he seemed like he was talking to himself. He ended up hating himself even further as he just felt fed up with what had happened to him and was somehow responsible. He had failed to look after his sister as he had promised himself many years ago, and in the end, she ended up pregnant. He couldn't imagine all the horrors that he did to Elena that unfortunate night and the repercussions he had left on her. He had promised to wait for her, and when the moment was right for the taking, he went ahead and ruined everything.
If he could only think a little deeper, he could have placed Lance right inside the equation. The equation of how he had landed in prison. He knew that he and Lance were never the best of friends for a long time, though nature and circumstances tried to force them to be. They had been at odds their whole lives and for him, he knew that Lance wanted Elena for herself, as he did too. Lance wasn't really the selfish one, they both were. In his mind, Ethan knew that Lance Harper would do anything to harm the baby when he found out about its existence and who the father was. He knew that his nemesis wanted Elena alone, not Elena with the baby. Just Elena, alone. If he could only think a little deeper that by wanting her alone, Lance would have had to put him out of the way. He searched his mind for something, but to no avail. He might have been bright since his childhood but Lance had won on this brawl against him, and he was too clouded to know.
He turned back to the cross at the altar that was staring at him silently. Tears were still meandering his cheeks and he looked like he wasn't in much of a hurry to wipe them away.
He opened his mouth to speak in much agony.
"Answer me…"