Tony hadn't met MJ yet. Peter wanted to wait until it was just the right time to introduce the pair. For now, Tony and the rest of the gang had to live off of the limited information being passed through to them via Peter and - occasionally - Ned. Tony was perfectly content letting the kid drone on and on about his "love life," and often found himself being one of the people Peter could turn to when he needed advice on where to take MJ out, or what to wear, or what kinds of gifts to give.
"So whatever you do, do NOT get her a giant stuffed bunny. Apparently women hate that," Tony concluded, as they worked on one of his cars. Peter nodded as he passed him a socket wrench, unsure of exactly why Tony thought a stuffed rabbit the size of Godzilla would be a good gift to give the CEO of a multibillion dollar company.
"Noted," Peter replied. "Oh, and I've plugged the suit in to the computer, so all the logs should be cleared off to make room for the new updates," he added. Tony nodded, and the pair continued working in silence, the only noise coming from the speakers, which played the entirety of the pair's joint playlist.
That evening, Tony did what he usually did when he was alone and unable to sleep - watched Peter's logs. Whenever the kid went out in the suit, it would record everything in case they ever needed to footage. It also helped Tony when he knew the kid was hiding injuries. As he watched the videos, he noticed areas during the middle of Peter's patrols, where the videos would end and quickly start again an hour or so later. Tony's furrowed his brow as he clicked away, attempting to understand what had gone on during these moments of missing footage. "KAREN, where was Peter between 12:29 and 1:50 on June 3rd?"
KAREN quickly pulled up a set of coordinates on the GPS.
"And 11:03 to 11:57 on June 4th?" he asked again.
The same pin blinked again.
"What the hell is located there?" Tony asked aloud.
"It appears to be an apartment complex," FRIDAY responded helpfully.
"Who the hell is he visiting in the middle of his patrols?" Tony marvelled. He quickly found the apartment complex's address and a couple minutes of hacking later, he'd managed to get the names of every single resident. He scanned the list, before stopping abruptly. "Jones... like Michelle Jones?" he murmured. He turned back to the screen and quickly found Midtown's directory and a couple of taps later, he had the entire school's directory. He quickly found MJ's listed address, matching it to the one KAREN had given him.
It was at that moment Rhodey walked into the room with a "whatcha up to now?" He paused and peered at the paper and screens from over Tony's shoulder.
Tony smirked, "Kid's been popping into see his girlfriend while he's on patrol."
Rhodey laughed as he took the paper Tony offered him, before narrowing his eyes slightly. "Did you look at the time stamps?" he asked.
Tony nodded, "yeah. It doesn't make sense. He sees her for eight hours a day at school. And then he wants to see her again later on? Why?"
Rhodey raised an eyebrow, "look at the time," he said, passing the paper back to him and pointing at the stamps down the list. "He goes at the middle night, and he's there for at least an hour..." he waved his hands and looked to Tony, who's face was still blank. Rolling his eyes, he continued. "He's a teenager, Tones. What do you think they're doing at that time?" he added, attempting to get the gears turning.
Tony was quiet for a moment, before tossing the paper onto his desk with a loud noise of disgust. "But he's a child!" he cried, reaching for the hand sanitizer placed precariously on the edge of the table.
Rhodey placed a hand on Tony's shoulder. "What were we doing at that age, Tones? He might be a kid to us, but that's not gonna stop him. He's grown."
Tony was silent for a moment, as he remembered something Peter once told him after he'd pestered Tony for hours on end on how to impress MJ. "I don't have anyone else to talk to about this kinda stuff. I mean, I had Ben, but I can't really go to him for advice y'know?" the kid's voice echoed in his head.
"Do you think he knows about ..." Tony trailed off, gesticulating madly.
"I guess you gotta give your son the talk now, huh?" Rhodey replied, laughing.
Tony rolled his eyes, "He's not my son," he replied, but he made a mental note to bring it up the next time the kid came to the compound.
"Mhm, whatever you say," Rhodey replied, patting his friend on the back.
A few days later, Peter had come to the Compound for training. His and Tony's routine usually ended with the pair of them watching Netflix until Pepper and Rhodey came home so they could all have dinner together. That day, they were watching the Fresh Prince. The episodes went along, one after the next, when suddenly Will and Uncle Phil began to talk about "cars" (an innuendo for sex).
Peter laughed as Uncle Phil and Will nodded to one another with a "good talk," before heading off into opposite directions. Tony paused the TV, "kid... uh this reminds me... uh... there's something I wanted to ask you."
Peter nodded, eyes squinted slightly. "Yeah?"
"I was going through your logs and I found a couple instances where you were out of the suit for an hour or so. So I checked where you were using the GPS and it said that you were at Michelles."
"You were stalking me? Does privacy mean nothing to you? I mean, I know your my mentor but you don't have to go full helicopter parent on me" Peter stated.
Tony rolled his eyes, "okay, first of all, I am way to cool to be a basic helicopter parent. I'm more like an iron parent. An iron father, if you will. Second of all, you're a kid, you have no privacy as far as I'm concerned." He shook his head quickly, "we can talk about this later - I have something more pertinent to ask you?"
Peter winced. "Yeah?" his voice slightly hesitant.
"Well, you were there at 12 at night. And you were usually there for an hour... so I was just wondering..." Tony faltered off, hoping Peter's genius brain would be able to fill in the rest.
"... what were you wondering?" Peter asked, oblivious as ever. Tony's face reddened, and he began gesticulating with his hands and opening and closing his mouth rapidly. Peter stared at him for a moment before throwing his hands in the air, "Oh c'mon just spit it out!"
"SEX!" Tony screeched, causing Peter to blanche. "ARE YOU HAVING THE SEX?"
Peter paused, before covering his blushing face with his hands. "OH, GOD. Really? Is that what you're asking me?" he said, peeking through his fingers.
Tony shook his head, "I just want to know that you're ... being safe" he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
Peter looked as if he'd want nothing more than to die. "Just kill me. Please."
"Pete, it's nothing to be ashamed about," Tony began, before he was cut off by Peter's high pitched yelp.
"I am NOT having the Sex talk with Tony Stark. And what makes you think I need the talk anyway?" Peter replied quickly, attempting to salvage the last of both his dignity and sanity.
"You play with Lego, kid. Forgive me, but I thought I'd check in with you just in case," Tony deadpanned.
Peter paused. He knew that he wasnt going over there to have sex with his girlfriend, but the thought of scaring the shit out of Tony was just too good to pass up. Peter dropped his hands. "Just because I play with Lego on occasion, doesn't mean I don't understand how sex works. Lego is just fitting pieces together at the end of the day. And with the level fo hand dexterity it takes to put finer sets together, I'd say it's kind of helpful in this area."
This time, it was Tony's turn to go pale. "Oh okay, but, uh, you're being, uh, safe, right?" he stammered. This is not what he expected to come from this conversation.
Peter nodded, "Oh yeah. I'm not stupid." He decided to dig into his old knowledge from sex ed, "and don't worry, I know not to mix the lube with the latex and to suit up whether I'm with a girl or a guy."
Tony closed his eyes, praying to whatever god existed that this was all a cosmic joke. He opened an eye, staring at Peter, who looked back at him with a smile. Kid's gotta be fucking with me, he thought. Ok, two can play that game. He relaxed, and said: "Good, good. I knew you'd know the basics, what with your proclivity for science. But you better be breaking out the dental dams. And make sure you have a safe word. And consent! Consent is ongoing, you can say no at any time, as can your partner. Or partners."
Peter eyed the man carefully, "Mmmhmm, safe words. Got it."
"And always engage in an open and honest dialogue about what your interests are. People have weird kinks, like choking and dressing up as animals," Tony added, seeing if he could push the kid. He reached for his coke and took a long drink.
Peter rolled his eyes. "Choking isn't that kinky, Mr. Stark," he began, causing Tony to choke. Peter noticed this and gently thumped Tony on the back, as he continued. "Plus, being a furry isn't that weird. I mean, aren't Iron Man and Spider-Man essentially fursonas?"
Tony looked like he was in the midst of an existential crisis. Peter stopped, and decided it was time to pull the plug. "Don't worry about it, Tony. I'm just messing with you," Peter said, causing Tony to whack him on the head. "Lemme explain! It's - that's - not what MJ and I are doing. I just ... I like to check in on her. She's been having a tough time since she found out about the whole Spider-Man thing. She keeps getting these nightmares that I'm going to bleed to death in an ally or something and die, and I like to pop in on her so she knows I'm okay. I don't want her losing sleep because she's worrying about me," Peter admitted. "So sometimes, I stay with her until she's fallen asleep."
Tony nodded, letting out an internal sigh of relief. "Thank god. I'm to young to be a grandpa," he muttered, placing a hand on his heart.
"The wrinkles on your face prove otherwise," Peter replied, dodging the cushion Tony threw at him.
"I'll have you know that I looked young and wrinkle-free before I started watching you do your death-defying stunts," Tony retorted.
Peter quickly grabbed his phone, "that reminds me - did I show you this video of me doing a backflip off of the Empire State building yet?"
Tony groaned.