I'm restless.
I keep thinking over what my mom said and it just doesn't make sense. 'Ask your mother who my mom is, you're probably a whore just like her,' Kaleb's words taunted me so much yesterday when I got home that I decided to question my mom. Of course, I didn't ask if she were a whore, I simply implored her about the relationship with Ms. Hermia (Kaleb's mom). It went a little like this, my mom and Kaleb's were friends since freshman year in high school and they even ended up going to the same college where they met their prospective husbands. They all became so close that they unanimously decided to stay in San Diego and began raising their families there. But like all good things, a scandal struck, thus ending their blissful euphoria. A sex tape of my mom and Kaleb's dad was released out into the public, and because of how renowned the Montgomery and the Philistine name was the tape spread like wildfire embarrassing and breaking up two homes, both mine and Kaleb's. Kaleb's utterly distraught mom decided to leave San Diego right away. My mom said she had tried to reach out to Ms. Hermia on countless occasions to plead her innocence but she was always on the receiving end of being blocked or ignored so she never knew anything about her whereabouts. My mother, having lost both of her loves, her best friend and her husband, became depressed and began the downward spiral of alcoholism. Who could blame her? But that was how I, being an impressionable teen and having looked up to my mother all my life I began to indulge in alcohol consumption as well. At the beginning of her depressive stage, I would have to take care of her, that was when my body first adjusted to waking up at four to go to her before the gym. Taking care of your drunk mom before going off to get drunk too is hard work. The problem was, however, after my mom went to rehab for the first time, she got her shit together and I didn't. I had even started exploring the harder stuff. I wasn't involved with heroin or anything like that but who knows if I hadn't gotten my act together later down the line what I could've gotten into.
When I finally started putting in the work to get better after my third time in rehab, my mom decided it was time for a fresh start in a smaller town with less exposure to the substances I was dealing with so I could really commit to recovery, and here we are today.
I am still confused about some of the things she said. What did she mean by her innocence? Why doesn't anyone talk about this? Would I have ever known about it if I hadn't asked about Ms. Hermia? If it took that little time to get a replacement, literally a day, did Kaleb really like me? And the most mind-boggling question of them all, should I get into this relationship with Maija? I would never question whether or not my mother is lying to me, we've been through too much. At this point, there's no point in being anything but completely transparent. So what really happened? Is it up to me to fix at least my mom and dad? I never understood why they weren't together when they clearly love each other. So many thoughts plague my mind I'm afraid it may cause a brain bleed.
Before I continue to let these wild thoughts parade around my head, I decide to get up from this restlessness. I know it's only three in the morning but getting started on this complex recipe should null down my thoughts for the next few hours.
***
Maija and I decide to meet up before school at a cute little cafe on the edge of town, about 10 minutes commute from school to discuss our little conundrum. I'm quite nervous sitting in this booth by myself. I haven't had time to break down what she said, 'What if we dated, me and you?" and actually think about it. I've really just been pushing all thoughts away and trying to focus on anything else. I feel like it's too early to even be considering a new relationship, but, on the other hand, I want Kaleb to know that I won't be sitting around mopping while he dislodges his jaw on Zarina every day in the hallway. Mental cringe. Since I'm seated here waiting for Maija, (who, might I add, is always late) I may as well think about her for a bit.
I think I've said this before, but if I hadn't met Kaleb first and he hadn't left such an impression with the whole pancake charade and being so nice by introducing me to all his friends just so that I wouldn't feel so much like the new girl, Maija would have undoubtedly caught my attention from the jump. First of all her fiery red hair is uncanny, it must take a lot of work to get and keep it that color, I have never even seen her roots grow out and I've been here for a little over three months now, I wonder what her true hair color is. She is radiantly beautiful. I am willing to bet all my money that you'll never find someone so loving, kind-hearted and caring. And don't get me started on these grey eyes, I'm a sucker for rare eye colors. She is a little less curvaceous than I usually go for but she is in every sense of the word WOMAN not lacking in any department, just petite. This could be fun. She's also hella funny, not in the comedian sense but an, 'it'll never be awkward silences and boring conversation,' type funny, she's so full of energy and happiness that it's hard as hell being a negative nancy around her. And my favorite thing about her, what drew me in (as a friend) the first time I saw her, her sense of style, there is literally no piece of clothing Maija wears that doesn't look like her own, she could buy a Gucci outfit right now and rip off the label to style it into something more 'her', that has to be illegal right? But that's just Maija for you. As if sensing my thoughts she appears before me with her beautiful smile.
"Thinking of me, honey?"
My confident and flirty ass reflexively responds "Always baby," with a wink. That took her down a few notches as she gathers herself, trying to contain her blush.
"You goofball, lets get down to business, what have you decided, will you do me the honor of being my fake girlfriend?"
I still think it's too soon but I'm willing to give it a go at something real this time, maybe Maija is just what I need right now, wait did she say 'fake'? Here I am psyching myself out trying to think of a nice way to tell her it's too soon for me and she says fake. I don't know what I'm feeling, I'm not sure if you could call it disappointment or sadness or a bit of both, I don't understand it since I was going to turn something real down anyway.
But before I respond she continues, "You seem like the only one so far who isn't afraid of Zarina and could really stick it to her, this little charade could get her to back off so I could finally find someone."
"So you don't want me?" I dumbly respond a little confused by the whole ordeal.
"Bitch, aside from the fact that you're drop-dead gorgeous, I been wanted to nail you to the across the second I found out you liked girls but I see how you looked at Kaleb from across the room and I think you need a little time to recover from that on your own. I don't know how Kaleb managed to move on so fast from giving you googly eyes every day for almost three months now but I get the feeling that that's not you." and as usual she was right. 'If I was the one you met that first day, then maybe this would be a whole different conversation. I may have been asking you to move in with me, cause three months is basically three years in lesbian dating time." she finishes, and we both laugh slightly.
"I hate how you're always right, but yes it is a bit soon for a real relationship. A fake one though, not so much. I'd love to be your fake girlfriend Maija, on the condition that I get to kiss you off and on."
Her eyes trail my lips and back so quickly that only perceptive eyes could've caught that motion. "Wouldn't have it any other way," she leans forward and kisses me, and maybe it's the way she caught me off guard making me barely able to bask in how soft her lips were, or maybe it was how she grazed her teeth slightly on my bottom lip as she pulled away, but It awoke something in me and we stared openly at each other, I wonder if she felt it too.
I knew that the decision I made in that moment to be her fake girlfriend would hurt someone but at that moment, I didn't care. But the voice in the back of my mind still hoped that it wouldn't be me getting hurt.