It feels like my whole world is crashing down on me. Tears are pooling in my eyes as I start to hyperventilate.
Ryder looks at me in shock. "What?! No, I'm not breaking up with you! God, Sam! I will never leave you. You're mine forever. You know this! The only way I'll leave you is if I am physically dead. Or you don't want me anymore. Okay?"
He moves over to me, gently wiping a fallen tear away, and runs his fingers down my neck. I breathe a sigh of relief and hold his hand.
"I'm talking about running Boeing full time. This entire week has been draining for me. I can't sit and concentrate when I'm so used to the action."
Am I selfish for not wanting my fiancé to go out and kill every night? That I want the peace of mind knowing he will come back to me, every time.
"You don't think I suffer when I know you're out killing or someone is shooting at you? What happens once we are married? When we have children of our own?"
Ryder composes himself and sits back in his chair. He looks nervously out of the window and exhales deeply. I look at him, confused.
Why does he look so uncomfortable? Did I say something wrong?
"I don't think kids will ever be in the cards for us."
"What?!" I snap back at him.
He looks down and then at me. "Do you seriously want to bring babies into this world knowing the only true evil out there is their father?"
We make it back to the hotel fifteen minutes later.
I, of course, have nothing to say to Ryder. How dare he decide kids aren't for us?! That is a mutual decision that should be run by me before he decides it's final.
Taking my purse, I throw it onto the sofa, making my way to the bedroom.
"Would you stop and talk to me about this. You're acting like a brat!"
Ryder's words stop me in my tracks.
"Really?! Talk?! Did you talk to me about not wanting children?" I snap at him.
"We have years to talk about this. It doesn't have to be now. Does it?" He furrows his brows.
I scoff at him. "We're getting married! We are planning a wedding! Did you forget this?"
He looks at me with a defeating look.
"Of course not! All I dream about is you becoming my wife. I take it seriously! I take us seriously. Why do you think I'm fine with taking your last name? Your mom only asked me one time, and I told her yes. I have no problem with it. I just want to spend my life with you."
I look away from him. Seeing him, defenseless and raw is tugging at my heart.
Ryder is right. When we are married, our last names will be Forñay-Hallowell.
"It's just not fair, baby! You get to make all the decisions for Freddie and me as if we're kids. Where does that leave us? I have a right to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want to have children."
He walks up to me and put his hands around my hips.
"You're right. I'm not going to argue with that. I'm so used to being the boss and everyone doing as I say. As for Freddie, I'd jump through fire for him. You know this. I just want him to have what we have. I do! But I also feel like I need to protect him. Who else will do a better job than me?"
He's always had a soft spot for Freddie. Especially since Freddie was bullied when they were in school, it's how they first met. Their classmates would pick on him because of his sexual preference, and Ryder would kick their asses.
"I promised him I would always protect him, and I want to keep that promise."
I put his face between my hands. "You have, and you always will, but you need to remove the chains. I think our Freddie has grown up." We both smile at my words.
"It's time for him to find his prince charming and let that person protect him. You can't always be there for him. All you can do sit back and encourage him to be happy and be safe, with the occasional surveilling."
Ryder nods sadly and kisses me. I wrap my hands around his neck.
"So go get him and bring him up here, please. I want to hear about this mystery man of his."
Ryder exhales, kissing my forehead, and walks out of the suite.
Twenty minutes later, Freddie and Ryder walk into the suite laughing. Freddie looks like he has been crying.
"Hey," I say to Freddie as I wrap my arms around his waist. "Are you okay?"
Freddie smiles. "I am actually! Ryder apologized and told me what you said. Thank you, Sam."
"You know I love you, Freddie. And I'll do anything to make you happy," I say as he kisses my forehead.
"I love you too, Sam. Both of you," Freddie says, looking from me to Ryder.
Ryder pulls Freddie into a hug. "I love you too, Fred. So sit down and tell us about this guy."
Freddie happily grabs my hand, and the three of us sit on the sofa.
"Since Ryder promised not to run a background check, I can tell you his name. It's Joesph. He's thirty years old and an only child. His parents are actually from the east coast."
I am like a kid at a candy store. So anxious to hear every detail of this guy. "What does he look like?!" I blurt out.
"Okay," Freddie says, giddy, turning to me. "He's six foot three. He works out a lot, and I believe he's half Italian. We met when I was getting coffee at his café. He's a barista! Once I saw him, I made it a point to get coffee there every single day. Joe is so dreamy," Freddie swoons.
I am so happy for him. He needs this.
"Joe started noticing me and had my drinks prepared every time I went in. One thing led to another, and eventually, he asked for my number. We talked for a month over the phone before we decided to go on our first date. The rest is history!"
"Is that why you are hardly ever at home? Always have an appointment or something?" Ryder asks in confusion.
"Yup! Sorry."
I laugh.
"Well, I am happy for you, and I want to meet him as soon as we get back to Utah," Ryder says, exhaling deeply.
Freddie beams. "Okay! No problem. He's dying to meet both of you."
"Alright, I'm going to bed. I have one more meeting early in the morning." Ryder walks up to me. He bends down and kisses me. "Come to bed soon. I want a practice run on the baby-making," he whispers into my ear. My mouth drops as I slap his arm playfully.
Ryder then turns to Freddie. He tousles his hair and walks away, grinning.
"Goodnight, kid!" Ryder calls out, not bothering to turn around, as Freddie swears at him.
"Kid?" I ask Freddie.
Freddie fixes his hair. "Whenever he feels guilty for doing something to me, he calls me kid. It's an annoyingly sweet term of endearment. He hasn't called me that in years."
Oh, I laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are back home, in Utah, two days later. I am so relieved to be sleeping in my bed and be around our fantastic staff.
Our new home is in Sandy, Utah. This brand new home of ours sits on a mountainside.
Ryder fell in love with this house, and I surprised him by buying it. After everything that happened with Max, he felt like we needed a fresh start. He wanted an actual home with me, not a fortress. In a new location, of course.
Some of the doors still have palm scanners. I am not happy about that. Putting those scanners makes it feel like we are back in New Jersey.
One of the pros of this home is a fantastic view. The sunrises and sunsets are always magical. I always make sure to wake up every morning, around five, just to see the sun rising on the horizon.
Another pro is that the entire home feels like one big cabin. I love it! I also have access to every room.
Like he could keep me out of anything, anyway.
"Welcome home, Miss Hallowell. How was Shanghai?" Margie asks as she grabs my luggage. She is the head maid and an older woman.
She rarely smiles and takes her job very seriously. I love that about her even though she walks around with an attitude, which bothers me at times.
She has also formed a bond with Darryl in such a short time.
Margie knows all about Ryder and him being an assassin. She used to work for his mother. Ryder's mother and Margie were best friends. After his uncle brutally murdered Mr. and Mrs. Forñay, Ryder's grandparents fired her.
She did stay in contact with him, and after our move here, she decided she wanted to work for him. She missed and loved him dearly. I didn't know for all these years, Ryder took care of her financially.
Ryder had hired her and another young lady, Fallon, to keep the mansion tidy.
Fallon is more aloof but always has a smile on her face. I guess that's why I like her. She's still optimistic and has impressive long, curly hair.
We are in the process of hiring more staff, though. It's too much work for Margie and Fallon. Thank goodness they live on the property. It makes cleaning a little easier, mainly since I help them.
"The trip was nice, Margie. I'm happier to be back home."
Fallon skips down the stairs with a duster in her hand.
"Oh, good afternoon, Miss Hallowell! Welcome back!"
She makes her way towards me, grabbing one of Ryder's suitcases. Ryder walks in with Freddie and the chauffeur carrying more bags.
"Sweetheart, was it that serious that you had to pack five suitcases for one week? Just for you?" Ryder asks as he scratches his forehead. He looks at the mess in the foyer and then back at me.
"Yes! And I wasn't sure of the weather either. You have to be prepared. It's what LeAnn always says."
"Imagine when you kids," Freddie whispers to Ryder. Ryder clears his throat and elbows him softly in the stomach. A joke he didn't find amusing.
Freddie massages his stomach and laughs. "LeAnn meant when going into battle, Sam. You're not taking over the fashion world."
Freddie reads my annoyance.
"It seems like someone needs more of my green juice. Get those brain cells of yours firing again. They've been lying dormant, huh?" Freddie asked as he smiles at me.
I scowl at him. I run after Freddie and begin to chase him up the staircase.
Later that evening, I am sitting on the toilet, peeing on a pregnancy stick. I'm scared to tell Ryder, but I stopped taking my birth control about a year ago. I even went to see my doctor.
I asked about getting pregnant. The doctor said everything looked okay, that I should keep trying.
That was about six ago.
For some reason, though, I'm still not pregnant. I keep calling the doctor, and she reassures me everything is fine.
Since I was on birth control for so long, my body has to flush away all the hormones.
I need to be more patient.
I remove the test from underneath me and put it on the sink. Part of me wants a baby badly because I thought Ryder wanted it too.
That isn't the case anymore.
After three minutes, I look at the test.
Negative.
Am I happy or sad about this?
It has been a whole year, and I'm still not pregnant. On top of that, I just learned Ryder is on the fence about children.
Tears pool in my eyes, and I blink. I feel each tear as it slides down my cheek and hits my chest.
Is there something wrong with me?
I walk into the room and don't notice Ryder sitting on the bed. He looks up at me and sees I have been crying. Before I can hide my face, he jumps off of the bed and urgently makes his way towards me.
"Sam, why were you crying?! Are you okay?!"
He grabs my hand and walks me to the bed, sitting me down.
I have to tell him the truth.
"Please don't be mad at me," I say, taking a shaky breath and wiping my tears away. Ryder looks at me, confused.
"I got off of birth control a year ago. I honestly thought you wanted a family, so I wanted to try."
He exhales and starts to wipe my new tears away. He then puts his finger under my chin so that I can look at him.
"Listen to me. Don't make this about me. Tell me why you are upset. Okay?"
He hands me a tissue from the night table. It breaks my heart that I know he's going to be understanding. That eventually, he will say yes to having children and that something is probably wrong with me.
"It's been a year, and I feel like it'll never happen. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or..."
"Or me?" He asks sadly.
"That wasn't what I was going to..."
"I know that, but it's the truth. My body has been through so much that I don't even know if it's possible."
Ryder looks away from me and stands, putting his hands on his hips. He then turns to me, a tiny smile forming on his lips.
"I was going to tell you later on, but I thought it through. Once we're married and I get accustomed to nine to five, we can start on our family, okay?"
I start to sob. "Really?"
"Yes!" He kneels in front of me, grabbing my hands. "I wouldn't mind a tiny person running around. I've never changed a diaper or fed anyone, ever, but I'd like to try. I, um, actually have a surprise for you."
I watch as Ryder stands and walks out of the room. I get up from the bed and go to the mirror to fix myself. I nervously play with my 'fire and ice' necklace.
I wonder what my surprise is?
I turn when I hear what sounds like a small bark. Oh my god, I say to myself as I turn excitedly!
Ryder is standing in the doorway, holding a baby Pomeranian. I run up to him and grab it!
"It's a girl. I didn't name her yet. Thought you would want to."
It's the first time Ryder looks shyly at me. The puppy is beautiful. I start to cry again. She is a small ball of white fur.
"Bell..." I look at Ryder and say. He smiles and nods. He then walks behind me and puts his arms around my stomach as I let Bell lick my chin.
"Listen, I'll make an appointment to see if there's anything wrong with me. We will have a family, okay? But for now, this will be our baby."
He scratches Bell on her head. I laugh as Bell licks his hand and returns to licking my face.