Leaving the restaurant, we don't say a word to one another, and I am livid!
This man is hot and cold, all wrapped up in a crazy nutshell.
I am starting to lose any hope of ever seeing my parents or Max again. This probably isn't going to end well.
I don't notice tears are falling until Ryder tries to hand me a tissue. I just continue to look out of the window.
Ryder holds the front door open for me as we walk back into my prison.
I am somewhat grateful he doesn't utter anything to me. I head straight to my room and sit on the bed.
Kicking my shoes off, I lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling. It's getting dark outside, and I just want to relax a little before bedtime.
All I can do is wait to die. There is no escaping this place. This is my life, or what is left of it now that I know he's waiting for the order to come.
I hear a knock at the door. I quickly sit up and see Ryder standing at the doorway.
"I just want to tell you that I'll be gone for a few days."
He looks normal for once. Like he's a little nervous to tell me that.
I stand from the bed and walk towards him with a scowl on my face. "Work?"
"Yes." He nods, putting his left hand in his pocket.
I grab the door and slam it in his face, locking it. I don't care for anything that comes out of his mouth. I appreciate the good news, though. I don't have to watch my back now.
At least I know I have another week to live.
Walking into the bathroom, I decide on a nice, long, hot bath.
I jump up from my deep sleep! Someone is screaming!
What time is it? I look over at the alarm clock.
11:45 pm.
It's Ryder!
I cover my face with a pillow and scream into it!
This cannot be happening! Because of his poor choices in life, I have to suffer.
"At least you'll be able to sleep when he kills you. Just ignore him. He will go back to sleep," I say to myself out loud. I take my pillow and throw it onto the floor.
And just like that, the screaming stops. I sigh and turnover, finding my sleep again.
I'm awakened again by piercing screams this time! I've never heard a grown man make these sounds ever, in my life.
I look over at the alarm clock.
2:19 am.
Maybe I should check on him. I loathed the guy, but I need my sleep.
Annoyed, I get up from my bed and make my way toward his bedroom door, banging on it. "Ryder, wake up!! Ryder!!"
His yelling never wavers, and he continues his torment. I must have been standing here for almost three minutes.
"Ryder!!" I scream. "You're safe! Wake up!! Open the door! Please!"
He suddenly stops, and I hear him running to the door, bumping into things along the way. I keep banging on the door until he finally throws it open.
Turning on his bedroom lights, Ryder blinds us both. Whatever switch it hits, it illuminates the entire room.
I look back at Ryder. He looks more distraught than last night. He's also out of breath, and his eyes are bloodshot.
"Are you okay?" I ask worriedly.
He wipes the sweat from his face and shakes his head. Ryder grabs my arm and pulls me into the room.
He sits on the closest chair and pulls me in front of him, wrapping his arms around my hips. I stand there frozen.
I am in shock. I didn't know whether to comfort him or push him away. Ryder is also drenched in sweat. He's wearing nothing but his black sweatpants again.
"Come on," I tell him. He lets go of me, and I grab his hand, leading him to bed. I turn to look at him, but his head is down. He looks so sad and lost.
It breaks my heart to see him this way. No one deserves night terrors. Not even his psychotic ass.
I pour him a glass of water and hand it to him. He takes a sip and sits on his bed.
"Please stay with me," he whispers as I start to walk away.
I turn towards him. "You have your guns to protect you. Use them," I say softly.
Ryder is taken aback by my words. I look down at my feet and back at him. Hurt spreads all over his face as he continues to stare at me.
I turn and walk towards the door. I look back at him one more time. He is still looking at me. Confusion, hurt, I can't read the sadness that's all over his face. It's not my problem, though. I hit the light switch and close the door behind me.
"Is he okay?" Freddie asks, scaring the shit out of me. I have my hand to my chest, feeling my heart wanting to beat out of it.
"God, you scared me!" I say, shaking my head and composing myself. "Yeah, I guess so. He will be fine. Like he always is."
"Why didn't you stay with him?" Freddie asks, stretching.
I look at him and chuckle wryly. Why did he even ask me that? He knows Ryder's true intentions.
"He's going to kill me, Freddie. Whenever the order is given. Why hug the monster when I know he has a knife behind his back?"
I crawl back into bed and snuggle underneath my quilt. This is the longest night ever. Sleep needs me, just like I need it.
I shut my eyes waiting for it to consume me again.
Right on cue, someone knocks on my door.
"Unbelievable!"
I angrily kick the sheets off of me and storm to the door.
I yanked it open. "What!?" I yell.
It's Ryder.
When I see him, my anger disappears.
"May I come in? Please?" He looks disheveled.
Turning away, I shrug. "It's your house."
He walks in and closes the door behind him. I sit on the bed, my knees to my chest, and he follows.
Ryder puts his head down. He looks ashamed. "The order to kill you came a week ago."
My mouth drops. "What?!" I ask in disbelief, turning my body to face him.
He looks over at me.
"Why haven't you killed me yet?" I ask, not knowing how to process this new information.
"I don't know. Maybe I just don't care for this life anymore. Maybe I don't want to go through with it? I don't know."
I look at him with confusion. Did I not believe him? "Have you ever not finished a job?"
He looks back down at his hands and shakes his head no.
"So what are you going to do with me?"
He pauses. "I don't know."
"Don't you think you owe me that much, to give me a direct answer? You haven't given me anything since I've been here. Now that you know for certain, you don't know if you're going to kill me!?"
Chuckling wryly, I climb off the bed and sit near the window.
"I meant what I said at the restaurant. I don't want to hurt you," he says, getting up.
"Don't you see?!" I get up and walk towards him, pointing to my chest. "You are hurting me! Every day that I'm trapped in here with little to no information. You are hurting me!"
"I'm trying to protect you, Sam!" He yells back, walking away.
"No! Don't you do that!" I run around him, standing in front of him, and begin to punch and slap him. He stands there and takes every slap and punch.
I push him away. "Don't make it seem like you're my hero now! I hate you! You're a monster! Don't pretend to care all of a sudden!" Tears pool in my eyes.
Suddenly, Ryder hugs me tight so that I can calm down. I try to push him off me, but he is too strong. I don't want his kindness at all. How dare he?!
"Please!" I say, sobbing. "Why do you hate me? Why was I even put in this situation? I've never done a single thing to hurt anyone. Believe me! You have to believe me!"
I fall slowly to the floor. My head resting on Ryder's chest. He stays with his arms around me until we are both sitting on our knees.
"All I have in this world are my parents and Max. Other than that, I stay to myself. Do you hate me that much to follow through with it?" I can't stop crying.
Ryder grabs my face and wipes my tears away with his hands. I am too defeated to fight back.
"I don't hate you, Sam. I swear! This isn't personal. It never was. I meant it when I said I was never going to hurt you." He grabs my chin so that I can look up at him.
He exhales deeply as he rubs my chin. "And people do horrible things to others because of greed, jealousy, or hate. The other person never suspects a thing because they trust that person. They trust them with their life until it's too late."
I cover my eyes with both hands. Is he talking about his life or mine?
"When did you get my death note?" I put my hands down and look away. I use the sleeve of my shirt to dry my face.
"A week before the gala."
"Are you going to tell me who sent you?" I look up at him, trying to hold in the new tears from spilling over. I bit my lip, trying to stop it from quivering.
Ryder tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "No. I can't. And it's not that I don't want to tell you. I just can't. Not right now."