Darkness. The kind of darkness that suffocates and suppresses you. It's pushing and pushing, harder and deeper into the recesses of my mind, weakening me. I try to take a breath but it's like I'm drowning in my own mind. In my own body. And I can't even get enough consciousness to scream for help.
I can feel this darkness breathing down my neck, wrapping itself around my brain, my veins, paralyzing me and I can't stop it. It preys on my wants, my dreams, my deepest and darkest desires that I would never admit to even myself. "Come to us, Azcadelia…..come to us and you will be free….." I'm screaming and crying, terrified for my own life and sanity, for that matter, as this darkness…..this evil keeps pushing into me.
I'm slipping….I'm fading...then something snaps within me that I have never felt before. A blinding white light almost that gives me just enough strength to fight back. I won't give in…..I won't let this evil take over me, no matter how scared I am.
I push back, or what feels like pushing back against this evil within me and I gain what I feel is a little of myself back. I push again and I feel more of myself come back and before I know it I'm sitting straight up in bed screaming for my life, clutching at my own throat like I couldn't breathe.
Tears are rolling down my face as I frantically look around and find that I am safe in my own room with my own things, except for one thing.
A dark…..ominous shadow standing at my window, almost as if the space in front of the window with the full moon shining through is void of all light, of all hope…..and then it just fades into nothing.
I haven't noticed that I have woken my maids that have come rushing to see what I've been screaming about. I must still be screaming. I cover my face as they all stroke my hair and anywhere they can reach, trying to discover what had happened to me, and all I could think about was how close I was to giving into my darkest wish.
To be completely free and independent of everything and everyone I know.
And it scares me just how much I truly want that now and how close I was to having it. I am light. I am hope. I am the peace of my people…..and yet there is a darkness inside of me I'm afraid will surface and destroy all of whom I love and cherish most, including myself.