"I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for." ― J. K. Rowling
"I feel like I can't breathe. I feel suffocated. I wish I were dead. I just don't care anymore.
"How could Maya do this to me?"
"Do you still love her, Alex?" Sasha shifted in her seat, glanced back toward the light.
Did he still love her? Certainly not! He hated her. But why? Where did this hatred begin? She was like hundreds of other women. What was this incredible rage that took him so close to stain his hands with blood? If she was so insignificant and worthless, then why did he wish to have the strength in his heart to destroy her? He was thirsty… thirsty for a crime. He wanted to get his hands on that man, the man who had held her in his arms. That unknown man was now sleeping comfortably.
If Maya could be so easily accessible to a man, then why did she show so much resistance towards his burning desire? Did she love him and not him? Worse yet, was it his love that made her so incredibly dignified in his eyes whereas she was nothing but a lowdown, unworthy woman?
"Alex, she dumped you. It's heartbreaking, I understand." Josh didn't raise his voice. Like he wasn't mad at all. "The trick is to get up, dust yourself off, look the situation in the eye, learn what you can from it, and move on, knowing you'll handle it differently next time."
"Easy for you to say, Josh. You have the love of your life in your arms." Alex's mouth worked as if he was chewing the words, and the words were bitter.
Sasha laid her palms on the table and leaned forward. "We all lost something, Alex. I lost my Maya too. She was my best friend for many years, but I cut her off my life for you. We all are mourning."
"Sure, your pain and mine are the same, Sasha." His words were mocking, but his tone was serious and laced with tenderness.
Sasha swallowed the lump in her throat and she looked squarely in his eyes as she continued, "First off, losses can't be quantified. That is to say, we can't measure how much someone is hurting. We can't compare one type of loss against another, decide which kind of loss is worse, and then determine who is rightfully hurting the most and the least."
Anger left Alex, and he looked away, ashamed of himself for losing his temper at Sasha, who was nothing but being a great friend helping him through his tough time.
Sasha reached across the table and squeezed his hand in support. "Healing is a process, not a pill. You can't cheat the healing process, but you need to give yourself some time for the wound to become a scar."
Maya appeared in his thoughts again, happy in the arms of another man. Alex imagined her like a queen in a fairy tale and as a star beyond reach. The one who had kept him for three years in disappointment and hope had very merely given herself to another man. In the next instant, life seemed unbearable to him, again. He never thought of a life without her in it. How was he supposed to move on? How can he find the happiness he felt when she was near him with another woman? How was he supposed to get there? Undoubtedly, the brain is better than the heart. The sooner we destroy this machine of feelings and perceiving, the faster the pain and suffering will end.
Josh crossed his arms and his face turned serious, "Alex, the bank is ready to fund our company. You need to get over Maya and get your ass back to work. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better or move on?"
"I want revenge. I want her to feel the pain and suffer in fear, just like I did. I wanted to witness tearing her life away and see the fear in her eyes. I want her to get on her knees and beg for my forgiveness. I want vengeance." He had uttered these last sentences quietly and sadly. They were like the gentle waves of the sea unfurling on the abandoned shore.
Sasha swallowed around the lump clogging her throat and pressed her shaking fingers against her belly. "Alex, you want to ride an elephant to catch a grasshopper."
"No one would understand. I was once a flamboyant human who is known as happy and carefree, who is now like a dog who had swallowed needles and suffering. She ruined me for all other women. I can never fall in love… again. I had lost my trust in, TRUST. She destroyed me."
Sasha's heart pounded against her ribs like a wrongly convicted prisoner behind bars "Are you fighting for someone you love, or are you fighting for someone to love you, Alex?"
"Alex, you are looking for answers in all the wrong places. Revenge is not the answer. Just let it go." Josh tries to reason with him.
"I'm like a person who is affected by typhoid fever, weak and no energy in my arms or my knees. I hate my life, but I have no will to end it because of Maya. Revenge is fuel to my soul. The only reason for me to breathe."
Josh shook his head, exasperated by the very idea. "Look, you are in the eye of a tornado right now and you can't see anything but your life swirling around you. Time heals everything, I promise."
"Time wears you down. You trust someone. You give them your heart, and what do they do? Is there even a punishment that fits the crime of lying, of manipulating like this? Of breaking someone's heart?"
Josh opens his mouth to retort, but Alex's comment slices into his conscience like a very thin paper cut. He's maybe a tiny bit right. "Alex, once the dust settles, you will see through things clearly. Give yourself some time, man."
There's a long moment of thoughtful silence.
Something lurked in the recesses of those deep blue eyes, a power and authority Alex had lacked before. "I didn't choose to fall in love with Maya, but love found me. I didn't think in my wildest dream that Maya would kill me alive, but she did. There are forces in the universe that we don't understand. Measurable forces that can't be explained but cannot be denied. That's what this is. I don't get it either, but I know it's real. Either you are with me or you are not, Josh? But either way, I'm going after Maya. I'm going to make her pay."
Joshua knows Alex too well. He was a good man with a golden heart. Alex has always been there for him. Every situation, problem, moment, good times, and the tough times, he has never left his side. You support your friend even when you know he is wrong. That is friendship.
Josh's face hardened, determination and anger etched there."If this is something you need to do, then count me in"
Sasha's face paled, disbelief written all over her face. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes bulged. "This isn't happening. This isn't happening" She chanted it over and over like a mantra.
"Sasha, I understand this must be hard for you. Maya is or was your best friend. I will not force you to do anything you don't want to do." Alex's voice tender and understanding.
Alex and Josh stare at her in blistering silence. Her fingers trembled and tear blurred her vision. "I will help, but I want you to make me a promise first."
"Anything,"
"Promise me, you will not go after Maya. You will stay away from her all the time and you will not even try to talk to her."
Alex's shoulders sagged just a little and his throat loosened enough to take a deep breath again, "I promise. I won't go after Maya until it's time for us to meet."