I don't understand this.
I know that he has a girlfriend, and he really loves her, and she is beautiful and kind and has such a lovely voice, but I just can't seem to convince myself that he doesn't love me.
He has told me before that I'm not his type, he doesn't love me. I am his friend. I matter so much. He loves me, he tells me every night, but he doesn't love me the way that I want him to.
He will touch me if I want him to. Hell, he will fuck me. He'll kiss me, he will make me love him so much more, but he is making himself do that.
He only wants me to be happy, he cares. He cares so much that it scares me. I've never experienced this before. I've only fallen harder, and it's so obvious that he knows.
He knows that I'm only falling deeper in love with him, but he could never stop pulling me deeper. He is too scared to be the cause of my pain. It could crush him so much to know that he is the reason I cry.
He is so sensitive, and sweet, and caring, and terrified of hurting those around him. He only wants the best for all of us but it is so hard for him to hurt us that he won't do it even if it's for the greater good.
Or maybe, that's just what I think. Maybe, just maybe, he loves me too. Maybe he loves me but it hurts him so bad. Maybe he loves our other friend, maybe he just doesn't love any of us.
Maybe he doesn't know who he loves, maybe he knows that he loves his girlfriend. And he will care for her through it all. I've seen him message her, I can tell that he loves her.
I can't tell how he feels, I couldn't see through him if I tried. If he wants us to know that he is upset then he will bring it to light, but if he doesn't, he could tuck it away in the pit of his stomach and I could never know.
And that scares me so bad. He could be dying inside and all the while, laughing and talking with us. He could pull a mask over his face and blend in like it's nothing. It terrifies me that one day he could be gone, no goodbye. No goodnight, no sleep well, no I love you.
I thrive off of those. Those little messages he sends me. The "text me if you need anything" whenever we part ways. The need for the last hug. The hand holding. The kisses, and the bites. His hand on my arm, cheek, neck, or anywhere really.
The sexual advances, whether they are a joke or not. The hair pulling, the neck grabbing, the rubbing, the scratching. His hands on me, his mouth on me. His arms around me. I'm addicted.
Whenever he is gone he's all I think about. I don't care about anything other than him and our friends. I don't care about anyone else. The only place I want to be is in his room. I'm so disgusted with myself.
I'm so disgusted that I've latched myself to this man who has told me that he surely has no romantic intent with me. Who is dating another girl. Who is so beautiful it hurts. Who can't seem to accept the fact that he is perfect. The most perfect person that I have ever met.
Who lets me rant on and on to him, night after night. Who I am not close enough to for him to talk to me. Who I can't help. Who can help me. Who always smells nice. Who is so kind. Who is so sleep deprived. Who is so addicted to cigarettes and all nighters.
Who I have completely changed for. Who makes my soul ache. Who hurts me so bad but brings me right back up again. Who I want to be beautiful for. Who I work so hard for. Who I probably annoy to death. Who I want to be with every night.
Who I want to love me. how I want him to love me back. I love him so much. I love him, I love him, god, I love him. I can't express how much I love him. I could never picture him wanting me though. I would only be a bother. He knows how annoying I am, who could ever want that?
So I'll sit here, crying, wishing to be with him. wanting to talk with him about what I'm actually upset about. But I'll sit here, too afraid. Knowing that anything I could say will go strait down the drain. You can't make anyone love you. It's just how life works.
So I'll sit here, trying to understand this. Trying to understand this life, and why it has to be so hard. And why he makes me want to starve, to sleep, to work, to try, to live, and to die, all in the same hour.