Dear Hope,
I know, I know. I keep saying I'll write more often in this journal and then I lose it or some shit or I just don't have time, 'cuz, that shit flies ya know?
First though!! I got super results on the Literature test I studied so hard for - MY FUCKING GODS IT WAS SO HARD!! I was so nervous when I sat down that I couldn't think at all what I was going to do, but the test was on "Works of Literature by Fay've O. Clock". Someone must have heard me begging for mercy because I must have read all their works at least three times so I knew I'd ace the test because it's my absolute favourite author. <3 <3 <3 And no, I don't care if putting hearts in my diary is "unmanly" as Eiji is always spouting, so
*blows raspberries*
Eiji went on a date a couple of weeks ago but I dunno. I get really bad vibes from the guy he's hooked up with. I know he says it's all only for fun, but I'm really worried about him. I'm worried FOR him. I know what guys like that do to guys like us, well, guys like me anyway. I know, I know, I'm worrying like I got nothing else to do or something, but Eijirou is my friend - yeah, he's a good friend and I just want him to be safe and not have to go through what I went through because while I don't have nightmares about it as often anymore - that shit was bad, no, that shit was WORSE than bad.
I don't want anyone to ever have to go through what I did. Nobody deserves that. I want to protect him 'cuz he's like my older brother or something, I love the guy to bits even when he does my head in! Eijirou's been bugging me to go to the salon with him in the city and get our hair done together. I'm thinking about it.
I don't know if I'm game enough to go into the city yet. I'm getting better when it comes to being around people but saying that - this isn't the hugest town. Don't get me wrong I love being here now and I don't really miss the city, but I do.
I just don't know if I can go into the city without freaking out completely and that's the main reason I've been putting him off. I might ask him if he wants to do like a home job?
I got pretty good at doing that when I was with - well - him.
Shit. I still get creeped out even thinking about him.
Don't get me wrong here. I'm not looking for a relationship or anything - Not after the last clusterfuck I got myself into. But I can still admire a nice (read: smokin' hot) guy when I see one and maybe point him out to Eiji ;-) I might ask Eiji if he knows the guy.
I don't know, he seems to be friendly with him.
Anygays..
back to what I was writing earlier! I aced the Lit exam I was worried about because it was on the works of my favourite author so I'm really happy 'bout that.
I've also been getting pretty regular tips now that customers are getting to know me more and coming back to the Bar to chat. And OMG - Cordelia is so gorgeous! Long dark hair the colour of espresso, excellent taste in clothes that actually compliment her figure <3 A woman after my own heart <3 .....
Fuck off. Now I sound like one of those stereotypical gays that tv shows have just to quiet the LGBTQ+ community. Dammit. ERMAHGHERD - OH NOOOO! *laughs* *sighs at idiotic self* Ah well.
There's this guy that comes by sometimes, I swear he reminds me of BamBam. BB was one of Izuka's "friends" that often would take part in the "fun" he used to have with me. The beatings and, ugh, the other stuff... I'd really rather not remember any of it but it's always lurking there, in the back of my mind. I wish I could forget all of it but I know I never will. I just, I dunno, get a tingly feeling of "I know that dude" - do you ever have that Hope? Of course you don't, you're just a book..
With a lock on it..
In a locked box..
On my desk...
There are some similarities that make me think it is him, like his build - though this guy has broader shoulders and his thighs, my Gods, those thighs, they can be wrapped around my head any day.... *cough* I did NOT just write that! *cough*
This guy has a very similar gait and the way the left side of his lips curve up slightly before he smiles, a similar shaped face but I haven't been close enough to him to know if he's got the same small scars that BamBam had in his hairline and I've only seen enough of his ass to know it's fabulous.
So was BB's but I'll never admit that, soo... OOPS! Yeah, let's pretend I didn't write that, hahaha *shifts in seat awkwardly* But there's also a lot of differences too.
Firstly, his hair. BB had waist length midnight blue hair, this guy has short pink hair -I remember BamBam saying he'd never cut his hair even if he was paid to and by all the Gods in this universe, his hair WAS fucking gorgeous. It hung almost to his ass (and he had a fabulous ass, like, drool-worthy).
BamBam used to always dress in suits, like tailored suits and he had a goatee (which this guy doesn't). I never saw him in anything else even on his 'days off' he wore a suit and hung around at the club. This guy wears jeans, tee shirts, sometimes a button-up open over a plain tee, but O H M Y F U C K I N G G O D S
Fuck me... The slacks he wore last week... his ass = amazing <3 <3 <3
ANYGAY! I need to stop getting distracted by imagining this guys ass in my hands...
Yeah, as I was saying, this guy comes across as an introvert maybe, he's pretty quiet and soft spoken from what I've seen. He isn't anywhere near as loud or obnoxious as BB was. But then again I didn't know him very well, only what I knew of him when he was with Izuka. Or what he did to me ...
Fuck me dead I woulda given my left nut to have a piece of that ass... Eijirou had to smack me a couple of times to stop me staring at him. But.... that ass. *drools* I'll have to try and snap a photo of him if I can to show you - preferably of his ass, *coughs* I mean, uh, his pretty face. Yeah, that's what I meant. His pretty face.
Anyway... I want to have a talk to Lan Yibo about it because if it is BamBam then I might be in trouble, like, BIG TROUBLE. And that means that I've brought trouble to the Lan's because if he finds out I'm here or if he finds out I am even a little bit alive and not under his control he'll kill me. He'll lock me up and do,,, that,,, stuff to me again.
I can't let him find me, I can't let him find out the Lan's helped me or that they gave me my job or my apartment, I can't let BamBam find me because if he finds me then it means that Yang will find me and if Yang finds me then we're all in trouble and he'll hurt the Lan's.
If BB finds me he'll take me back, he'll torture me and he won't tell anyone he's taking me because everyone believes he's a good guy when he's really not he's a villain! I can't let him take me, I have to get away - I can't be found but what if he's already found me? I'll have to pack my stuff and leave. I really don't want to leave, the Lan's have been so good to me!!
What if he's already told Yang? What if... NO! I can't let him hurt them! I can't let him hurt Yibo or Wuxian or Eijirou or Sizhui or any of the people I've gotten to know over this time that I've been away from him.
What if all my efforts to stay hidden are gone? What if he's found me? What if he's really found me? Again? I wanted to be away from him, if He finds me I'm dead. I'm gonna have to leave everyone, I don't wanna have to leave but if I don't leave then He'll hurt every one - I don't want Eiji to be hurt, I don't want Sizhui to be hurt- I don't want to be hurt again - What if...??????
*pen scribbles off the page before dropping to the floor*