Phantom pain- is the sensation you can feel when you lose a limb out of amputation.
It is the lingering pain that you can feel. It feels like it is still there even though it is not existing anymore.
In the same way, it might be the feeling of losing someone you love.
When my dad passed away. I saw how devastated my mother was.
I was amazed that true love still exists and I also despise the trace it leaves when it suddenly disappears.
"He is a very wonderful person," I said. "He is the best dad ever!" I added.
Zeb was seated in front of me. We are both seated on the floor and the sofa where he is sleeping is where we are leaning into.
He is right there listening earnestly to every word I say.
I told him how my mom works and my dad stays in the house and he asked me 'Why is it like that?'
I smiled. "Oh, because of me me and my brother" I answered.
"My parents are both working and there's me and my brother already. We have a little age gap," I said.
"So, they went to work and my brother is a big cry baby and I am always sick"
"I had pneumonia and... asthma, I guess. My mom told me that my medicine lined up properly on the side of our bedroom window." Telling him that I am so proud that I am a weakling.
"They talk and agree that one should stop and stay at home. Since my mom's job is more stable. My dad made the sacrificial choice"
"I can never really rely on someone. More than him because all this while mostly everyone let me down or unwilling to put me first. Only him can do such things" I said confidently.
"Is that why you are still single rejecting guys who wanted you?" he asked me.
I shook my head. "No one likes me," I told him.
"Oh, why neglect the fact is it because your standards were set too high?" He stated teasing.
So that is how Zeb is when getting drunk.
So I continue with my story. "My mom is mostly busy with other things and my dad is the one who is mostly supporting her bust aside from that because we are my mother's family we are her full package but even though she is worrying about the main problems we are not left trackless. Dad is taking care of us." I said.
"So when he died. I wonder how we got this far because we are raised by him,".
"I am a weakling" I admit in front of him.
"They say that as well" Zeb stated.
"What other things they told you" I actually grab him by the collar.
As usual, Zeb laughed and smiled at me.
"A cute little weakling," he said.
That time when he said that I was thinking of a male wrestler who is cross-dressing and being called cute.
I sighed and just continued with my story, "I am a weakling but that is not his fault. When he died our family was still experiencing a crisis but he is fighting along with us. I know he felt bad to leave us on the battlefield." I told him and my eyes were getting teary while laughing.
He pulled a towel and put it on my face, covering it. What a mean-teasing action.
"Life is unfair it was so unfair. You know he is a very crafty man. He is good at creating stuff. I have thought that he might make his first grandchild a cradle if ever he is still alive since my dad was expecting that child."I laughed.
Zeb was puzzled.
"Oh, he kept a big teddy bear inside his cabinet and he doesn't want anyone to touch it. My sister told me that it is meant for the first grandchild (since my sister is the real daddy's girl she knew...)" I stated.
"So, when we found out that we have a half-sibling that was totally taken and cut off from us(not by our dad of course). We would still accept him/her. Even my other deceased younger siblings. So we can be all together as one family. We would never hate the idea since the person who brought it might not be perfect, yes, but never lacks in putting us first" I said.
"Beautiful" he stated while staring at me laying his head down at the side of the couch.
"Yes, beautiful isn't it? And from him, I learn the value of having each other's back and being a family. Even though nobody actually has my back. I guess" I said muttering the last part.
He chuckled.
I was a little confused about what is it that he found funny about.
"Nothing he closed his eyes. He seems tipsy.
"It's just sad that your dying" he stated. He's mean words. It is so unlikely for him.
"Yeah, but aside from the burial expenses. I am not afraid though" I said.
He is confused and asks. "Why?"
I smiled and said, "It means finally! rest!"
"It seems like your life is not that hard but you think it's hard," he said.
Guilt snaps on my chest. He has a rather difficult life because of the author of his story and if cannot deny that it is unfair and unbearable on his part.
So, I try to console him. "Well, no one has an easy life. Isn't it funny people just said life is hard but the reality is it is more than that." I said.
He seems to be puzzled.
"It's just. Unaccurate. It's not difficult. It's f*c*ed up" I said.
He laughed and theb after he said. "Can you fall in love with me?" So suddenly.
The thought that 'he is not even real' flashed into my mind.
"I don't know, maybe," I told him.
"What a contradicting answer. I don't know and maybe cannot go together. Did you know that?" He told me.
Zeb was always the one who followed but this time he seemed to lead the conversation to where he wanted it to go.
The fact that he is in a nap position and still looking at me makes him appear so sexy. My favorite character appears so daring tonight.
I yawn. What a satisfying site as I lay my head the same as him facing him directly.
"I DON'T KNOW if I can fall in love with you, who knows? MAYBE I can or MAYBE I won't." I uttered as I closed my eyes. The alcohol is inviting me to sleep.
I believe every human being's reaction differs. I turn to my sleepy head when I get drunk.
"But if I became truly in love with you perhaps. I will write a book and through that book, I will tell you how much I love you among the lines." I muttered then fell asleep.
He chuckled. "MAYBE YOU WON'T? Huh?" he repeated.
He sighed thinking about the last answer. "How inviting?" He grins.