The doctor came and seated on the chair in front of me showing me a piece of paper in her hand. She began discussing it while I'm keenly listening to her. I was waiting for her that's the reason why I am here in this place.
As the words left her mouth, I was left in shock.
I find it hard to believe, all the things that is coming out her mouth. I guess, I need more time to ingest it in my head.
After a few minutes, I went to the counter for payment.
I inhaled deeply and thought.
Where did I go wrong?
Do I lack physical activity?
Isn't work an exercise? It has all the physical activity I need, right?
Is it about the food I eat? or lack of sleep? or not having enough rest? or being overworked?
I ran a little to rapidly reach the apartment that I was staying at, passing all the vehicles that were parked at the side of the road. My feet is aching because I was wearing these closed uncomfortable high heels.
I keep on asking myself. Why do I have to wear these though? I should have worn my doll shoes instead but it won't go with the style of my attire.
I closed the door and release a deep breath of ease. I went to a clinic and had a checkup. I was diagnosed with a rare deteriorating disease and I only have 2 years to live.
I never thought that I would be in a situation like this. I just encounter it in the movies and novels. The only difference was, mine is real.
It's ironic how it appears more convenient for the characters in a made-up story.
When the character catches a terminal disease, supporting characters will appear and stay with them. Those people are mostly lovers, friends, family and so on. Also not to mention the cost of the treatment and the caregiving. In reality, the assisting level for a real terminal condition ranges from moderate assistance to full dependence.
I have no lover. I have a limited list of friends, almost all of them already have their own lives.
Family?
Should I go home?
My 1st brother will be having his own family soon, my sister already has a long-term relationship and preparing to settle down as well, our youngest brother is staying with my mother and currently has his own life. Adding into his load will be a little bit bothersome to my pride as the eldest sister.
My mother will be so worried.
And I don't want my mother to worry about me. I don't want to be a burden to her anymore. I already graduated as the family's big nuisance and her years worrying about me and taking care of me are now over.
No more overdue. All her strength is passed down to us. I should take care of myself now.
She should relax and have this time for herself. If dad is still alive they would be together enjoying their retirement years.
Yup, according to plan but he left.
I will only become a burden again if I stay there.
I went to the bathroom and did my bedtime routine. I looked in the mirror and stare at my reflection. I won't be Mulan singing My Reflections here.
My hair is a little messy-shaggy, long mild wavy hair flowing to my back. Asian black hair with brown eyes, a much lighter tan colored skin.
Before, I want to color my hair with an ash-gray color. I was worried that it would damage my hair because of bleach. Yeah, I should have done done, at least.
At least before I die?
I turn side by side. Do I look like a sick lady? or an exhausted oldie?
Hmm... Asian Features?
I am somehow lucky that I was born into an Asian family because Asian families stay fully intact together even when some of their children pass the legal years. However, I couldn't go home and tactlessly say say that I am sick and dying. If I keep it from them, they will be asking why on earth I am staying home when I left years ago already.
We grew up near my mother's ancestral line.
Girls are not usually raised as princesses.
Since there is little gender discrimination in our ancestral line. We should at least prove our worth. My mom used to tell me that at first, my grandfather was not fully confident of his daughters in finishing their studies, since they are females they'll be marrying after and staying home as housewives. So it will be a waste of time to educate them. My grandfather is not a bad person though. He might be more of a practical patriarch.
My mom strives to finish her studies and started working at a very young age. She was 14. She told me that everysince she graduated, my grandfather had always been so proud of her even though she was not the favorite child.
I also grew up in a family where my mom is the one who is working and my dad is the one who is taking care of us.
There is no issue about gender roles in my family as long as the family needs are taken care of and both parents respect each other, it's fine.
We never see any disrespect coming from my mom towards my dad and vice versa. There is ntohing lacking in the system for us.
We never find any issue about our dad being a "not good enough dad" because he is not. He is not a lazy father that needs to be served.
He is the best dad ever! He taught us how to read and write and he takes care of us when we are sick.
He actually sacrifices his previous job for us. Me and my brother have an age gap of 3 years and I was always sick that I even had pneumonia.
Since my mother's job is more stable. He let go and dedicate his life for us. He made the sacrificial choice that when my mom's job was not enough to sustain us he finds it hard to look for a job anymore because he is growing old.
I just realized that, I have been very dependent to my parents and maybe that's why whenever I make big decisions I always seek their advice. Especially my dad. He knows what's the best for us.
It was just sad to realize that few days after his burial.
It got me thinking that it supoose to be my dad's standard.
I don't want someone who will just drag me into a strange place that I'm unfamiliar with and force me to agree to everything he wants, compromise to everything he needs, do and say. I don't want to do that all the days of my life.
Hence, going home without proving anything while being the eldest will implicitly show that I am a big failure and a loser.
It doesn't always show but it matters.
I'm still grinding up for my future.
I don't want to go home.
But what will I do now?
'I am all alone' It's a thought that comes into my mind.
I guess I always was but it was never an issue until I needed someone to be at my side when I cannot stand on my feet.
Maybe if I tried to be outgoing sometime before and met more people.
I'll be meeting or dating at least 95% of the wrong people and finding the 1% right ones. I should have taken anti-stress and anti-depressants instead if ever I entered toxic relationships.
At least I should've tried.
However, I don't want to waste my time and energy anymore.
I just work,work, work, study,study, study, read,read,read and watch,watch,watch in my idle time. I pray almost every day as well. I am a quite devoted believer.
I don't have time! I am fully occupied.
My parents always told me that I have to learn to earn my bread and survive on my own because they can't stay with me forever. Even my siblings will have their own family someday.
I will be left alone.
I think life is changing and things are leaving that fast but all I can do is watch them leave one by one while being busy. No, there is no denying that I didn't see because I do. I can see clearly, how things change and leave. Like I am watching it pass from my peripheral vision.
When my dad was still alive he wanted me to at least take a husband because he didn't want me to be alone. However, I don't have any prospects either. At my age, I hate to admit that fictional characters are much better than real men in my world. I think I lost interest in dating earlier than expected.
Although I always dreamt of having at least a son someday. Well, I can't make him on my own or even do sperm banking for test tube because its expesive. Raising a child alone is a hard work as well. Working and parenting are quite handy.
The most important thing is this: As long as I can walk straight and not limp I can go work and live my life independently.
But how? What if I can't anymore?
Sighed. Although being a mother feels somehow fulfilling. I don't know if I will ever experience it.
I went in the kitchen wanting to prepare something to eat.
I get the knife and the chopping board and start cutting the spices needed. I am listing the ingredients in a piece of paper when I recall that I already bought ingredients yesterday and I remember that I place them on that table in front of me earlier but it was not even there anymore.
I started to move around looking for it. I was so exhausted yesterday that I forgot to fix it in place.
Did a mouse took it for food?
*Groan
It has pork meat and shrimp inside that will surely be spoiled by now.
I need to find it or it will totally create an awful smell.
I went to the salas and back to the kitchen. I even check my bedroom and comfort room but it is not there.
I peek under the table thinking that indeed, maybe a mouse took it. I haven't been able to get rid of them lately. I started looking around the floor and saw nothing, not even a trace of a plastic bag or shreds of the items inside the plastic bag.
All my hopes for a good meal are vanishing, my satiety is leaving me as well. So I decided to drink a glass of fresh milk instead. I got a clean glass and went right in front of the fridge.
I was surprised to see the ingredients that I bought properly arranged inside. I even looked at the upper side of my small fridge which is the storage area for meat and fish.
There I found the pork meat and the shrimp sitting.
Did I put them inside my fridge and forget that I did?
I don't have any recollection of doing so.
It happened again. It always happens, however I tried to exhale and cast away the thought.
Not only because it's scary.
I supposed, it was my guardian angel who was guiding me.
When I was still living with my family. My mom used to tell me that when I was still a newborn infant, maybe a few weeks or months old.
She left me sleeping on the couch. I was in a secure spot though however when they went back to check. They found me lying on the floor. I'm not hurt or crying.
From that day on, I always believe in guardian angels.
I thought, I was always alone but maybe I'm not.
I am both afraid and not afraid at the same time
I muttered. "Thank you" and smiled.
A few minutes later after finishing my meal, I wanted to finally sleep
What will be my next step?
I close my eyes. "That's enough for now. Let's have a change of plan," I muttered.
Since I don't have anything to do. I'll do something.
Just like the Santa Claus idea who is said to enter into houses and sneak leaving gifts to children. Somehow, kids loves to set a trap just to meet him.
Although Santa is not real.
How about setting a trap for my unknown friend?
There is a possibility that I may not be able to see him but at least I will be able to meet him/her. It still worries me. What if it is not an angel? I am living alone here what if it's a pervert? What if it's a ghost with such a hideous appearance? or maybe like the friends of Cinderella or the mice in Ratatouille?
I will have my own helpers though. I need it.
I am planning to plant a CCTV camera inside my apartment but I always forgot to order it online.
I hope this time, it'll work