A week later, Gram received a call to visit the children at her in-law's home. This was how things had been since she had moved back to her parents. She would visit upon her mother-in-law's scheduling. As much as Selena said she wanted to see her children reconcile, she respected their situation and made sure her son wasn't around for the visits. Gram had refused the last requested visit with a feigned illness simply because she didn't want to explain the bruising she had from her fight with Tristan. Regardless of the problems she was having, she didn't want him to suffer more ridicule from his family for physically hurting her.
She had missed her children more and more as time went on. Each visit was harder to end than the last, leaving her soul more and more empty. This visit proved to be the hardest. The boys seemed indifferent to her presence as they had gotten used to her being gone. Jeremy had given her a hug but then quickly ran off to play with his things, completely ignoring her. Jimmy was tired and so he napped the whole time she was there. Missy Ann sat nearby glaring at her with pain and anger flashing in her eyes.
She was there about an hour when she couldn't take it anymore and rose to leave. Just as she was about to leave, she heard Missy Ann's young voice pose a question that froze the blood in her veins. "Why don't you love us anymore? Have I been such a bad daughter that you don't want me?" Tears stung her eyes and burned her cheeks.
Gram took a deep breath to steel her nerves, then returned to the sofa in the room. "Come here, Missy. Please?" She held out her arms to welcome the girl into her lap.
Missy Ann shied away from the contact and sat next to her apprehensively. "Are you never coming back to us?" she choked.
Gram's heart broke into thousands of pieces at the look in her daughter's eyes. She never imagined the kids had been harboring such pain in her absence. Her own pain had consumed her, blinding her to those around her. While she was drowning in her grief, she failed to see the suffering of her children. "I. Am. So. Sorry." She cried not hiding her tears from the child. "I've been causing you so much pain and doubt without realizing it. I do love you. All of you. Even Daddy." She wrapped an arm around the girl and drew her into a side hug, thankful that her gesture wasn't rejected. "You know how I got hurt really bad a while ago?" She felt the girl nod. "Well, I didn't just get hurt physically." The girl pulled back in confusion; her eyes full of concern. Gram pointed a finger to her heart. "I also got hurt here. And here," she continued moving her finger to her head. Those kinds of wounds take a little longer to heal. You've done nothing wrong Melissa Ann Gabbard. You and your brothers are my most treasured gifts God has ever given me. I'm so sorry I made you feel less than that."
"So," the girl pondered. "You're staying away until you get better?" Gram could only nod. "You'll come back then? When you're all better?" Gram nodded slightly at the thought. The girl smiled. "Then I'll pray you get better fast."
Gram hugged her again and kissed her head tenderly. "You do that. He'll listen to you."
Selena peeked her head in the doorway and smiled at the tenderness between mother and daughter. In her mind, it was definitely a good sign. Clearing her throat, she spoke softly to the child. "Melissa, dear. Lunch is ready. Please go get your brother and take him the dining room to eat."
"Okay Gramma. Get better, Mommy. I love you." She darted out of the room with a much happier aura than when she had arrived making both adults smile.
"Do you have some time to spend with me right now?" Selena asked capturing Gram's attention. Following Gram's agreeable nod, she continued with, "Follow me." She led Gram down through the basement to a door that was hidden behind a storage shelf. "This place was built by my grandfather and father during prohibition. I want to show you one of my favorite rooms down here. My boys know about it but rarely come here. No one outside of the immediate family knows about this so I would appreciate your discretion. Also, your kids are not yet old enough to be told either." She walked through several underground hallways and passed many rooms before coming to a stop in front of a dark red door with black hinges. She withdrew a key from her pocket and unlocked the heavy door.
Pushing the door open wide she led Gram into what had initially appeared to be a library. To the left was a wall filled with books; many of which would be considered as antique. To the right was a fireplace with a large ornately carved mantle. Above the mantle hung portraits of the grandparents mentioned as well as a wedding portrait of Selena's parents. It was clear that Selena had gained her looks from her grandmother. They share the same delicate features and light eyes. "This is my personal sanctuary." Selena spoke in a nostalgic tone. "I've spent many days and nights here to seek peace from whatever war I was in in at the time." She retrieved an old, framed photograph from the side table near the Victorian style chair near the fireplace and gave it to Gram. The picture was that of a young man with dark hair and dark eyes and a well-built frame. "This is Tristan's father. They look very similar, don't they?" She led Gram to take a seat and sat in the chair opposite her to begin her story.
"I met Leviticus when I was sixteen." Noticing Gram's eyebrows raise she injected, "Yes, Levi was named after him. But his looks and his name were all that man got from him. Leviticus was a good man."
"Good men don't cheat on their wives and abandon their children." Gram quipped.
"He was still a good man. Albeit a broken man that made many mistakes over the years, but he was still good in my eyes."
"I don't see how you can say that when you raised your kids alone along with one his illegitimate daughters."
Selena frowned in frustration. "Just hear me out. Like I said, I met Leviticus when I was sixteen. He was so tall, and unbelievably handsome. And, though he was six years older than me, it was love at first sight for both of us. We saw each other in secret because I wasn't allowed to date at that age. It wasn't much later that I found myself swayed by his charms and ended up pregnant. I hid it for as long as I could from him and my family because I was afraid of what my father might do."
"When I was about seven months along, my father found out the truth and was furious. Part of me had hoped he would have made us get married, but instead he drove Leviticus out of town and force me to give the child up the moment he was born. I was devastated beyond words. I lost the love of my life and my son within weeks of each other. I found out much later that my father had actually had Leviticus sent to prison for what we did because of our age difference. Learning that just made my pain of loss deeper and my anger towards my father hotter. I left home then and didn't look back."
"Leviticus was released after he served twenty years. We reconnected then and were married quickly. I never told my family about the marriage or the children we had. But something horrible must have happened to him in prison because he suffered from nightmares and sudden fits of uncontrollable rage. Every time he would start to rage, he would leave the house and be gone for days at a time. I didn't know he had other women until Mary's mother showed up at our house. She couldn't have been more than eighteen years old and looked like a scared rabbit. She apologized to me and begged me to raise her daughter. She said her time with Leviticus was a mistake made involving alcohol. After that I discovered another woman who was carrying his child after a booze bending weekend with him. That woman left town the moment she found out about me. To this day I don't if she gave birth to a son or daughter."
"Levi's mother, on the other hand was a friend of ours. She too, was attracted to him and had decided that I was undeserving of his love when she learned why he spent time in prison. She felt she could do a better job than I could and used her manipulation techniques to confuse him and plant seeds of doubt in his mind towards me and the boys. It was a difficult time, but I was determined to fight for my marriage."
"How can you love someone who continually betrayed you over and over and over again. I don't get it."
"Same way God loves me. Unconditionally. Though he has passed, I still love him with my whole heart."
"Then why did you end up divorcing him if you were so willing to love him?"
"My father found out about our marriage as well as the other women and children. Well, mainly her and Levi because she called them saying I was refusing to let him go when in reality he didn't want to. But my father being who he is, had a 'chat' with him and the next thing I knew, I was looking at divorce papers. My father gave me this house once the divorce was final, and I never saw Leviticus again after that.
He married Levi's mother not long after our divorce. She was a terrible control freak and forbade him to have anything to do with us. My children were never allowed to know Levi. She made so many threats to their safety that I had to file restraining orders and seek legal help to protect the children. Ultimately, I ended up withdrawing them from school and keeping them home to ensure their safety growing up. I learned a few years ago that she had passed away from pancreatic cancer and few months later he committed suicide. It was after his father's death that Levi started behaving irrationally in public. About the time he started harassing you at work, he was also stalking me and his sister, Mary. He had left cryptic messages on our car windows, but I had no idea he was capable of doing the horrible things has done to you. I don't know if he knew who you were or if he did what he did because he did know, but I am sorry we were unable to prevent it."
"You know how I wish Tristan didn't look like him? You know how I hate that his face haunts my nightmares."
Selena wrapped Gram in her arms and let her cry. "Tristan doesn't look like Levi, dear. They both look like their father. As does Mary. And your precious little Melissa too."
"How do I get past it, Mom? How do I let it go? I love Tristan more than my own self but I can't even bear to look at him."
Selena threw her head back and laughed. "You could always beat him up again. Scar him up a bit." The suggestion threw Gram's eyes wide with a slight flash of fear and shame. "I saw him that night when he came to pick up the kids. He said he sparred with George and got hurt, but I know better. Tristan was a champion fighter. He was the one who initially trained George. He's the reason George has trained as hard as he had, to beat the records Tristan set. There's no way George would've been able to cause injury to his brother."
"So, you knew we fought."
"Yes, I knew. I can see that though they are quite faded, remnants of your injuries remain. I also know he let you win."
"He gave up on me." Gram corrected.
"Pot. Kettle. Same same. He gave up the fight to give you what you want because he loves you more than life itself."
"So, what do I do? I'm so lost."
"Love him the way God loves you. Unconditionally. Look past his face to see his heart." A slight knock was heard on the door. A gentle smile splayed on Selena's face. "I love you, Gram. Let yourself be loved once again." With that she rose to open the door. A tall slender figure stood in the shadow of the hallway. Selena allowed him to enter before leaving him and Gram alone in the room.
Gram looked up at the man taking note of the facial scruff he'd allowed to grow over the week. He hadn't shaved since their fight. He looked older now, more rustic and A LOT less like Levi. Her tears flooded her cheeks silently as she stared at him unmoving. Each tear begging for mercy and forgiveness. She rose on unsteady feet afraid he would turn and run from her. For months she's avoided him or been indifferent and mean. Months she punished him for crimes he hadn't committed. Held him responsible for all of her pain and anguish and kept him at arm's length. Months she had hidden away hurting her family by being blinded by her own despair. She didn't deserve his forgiveness. She didn't deserve his loyalty or love. But wanted all of it.
"I like your hair." She heard him say in soft voice. It had started to turn silver during her pregnancy and was now completely silver without a hint of her original brown left. She stroked a few strands absent mindedly as he approached her slowly. "Your eyes are green today." He said caressing her jawline with a slight smile. They had been bluish brown since she woke up in the hospital; before that they were a gentle violet. Mood eyes, he called them. He noticed early on in their relationship that the color of her eyes changed with her moods though they had never been close to brown before the assault.
"Y-you haven't shaved."
"Wasn't that your terms?" She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him hard. She half expected him to refuse her kiss, but he didn't. He deepened the kiss by burying one hand into her hair pulling her face closer to him while the other hand wrapped around her waist tightly.
"I am so sorry," She muddled out between kisses. "I sorry. Forgive me?"
"Come home?" he breathed into her lips.
"Mmm hmm." She nodded as she lost herself in his embrace.
On the other side of the red door, Selena thanked her God with a smile on her lips and a tear in her eye.