Dear Journiary,
Today sucked goat-heads. I mean, from sunup to sundown this day was worse than a sauerkraut smoothie with a castor oil chaser. First off, Gram was is a mood. I don't know who peed in her Wheaties, but she was on one for sure. I woke up to loud crashing sounds downstairs. I snuck down to see what it was, and the woman was trashing the kitchen. Like throwing everything to floor. She ripped one of the drawers out of the cabinet and sent it flying across the room when we locked eyes for a split second. One look in those dark blues and I ran out of the house. I had no desire to be at the wrong end her wrath. I made it all the way to the barn before I realized I was still in my pajamas. Jimmy was in there doing whatever he does every morning, so I tried to sneak past him to go see Bojangles. "You're out here a bit early." He says. To which I replied, "Well, Gram was rearranging the kitchen at the moment." He stopped what he was doing and took off towards the house. I don't know if he's really brave or super stupid. But I guess being her son affords him some level of understanding of her moods.
I chatted with Bojangles for a bit before May came by and asked if I wanted to go have breakfast at her house. That was nice. Her son is a good cook. Her daughter gave me some clothes to change into and then May's phone rang. She ran out of the room to answer it and when she was done, she ushered me out the door. Told me to head back to the house and that she'd be up in a little while after she took care of some business in town.
I was on my way back to Gram's house when I heard a cat meowing like it was stuck or hurt or something. I followed the sound to an empty house. I looked towards Gram's from its porch and realized this is the house I could see from my bedroom. The one she said I was born in. It was my parents' house when they lived here. My curiosity had been piqued.
I could hear the cat crying inside, so I opened the door. A black cat came running out of the house and disappeared down the lane. Since my curiosity had gotten the better of me, I went in and looked around. I don't really know what I was expecting, but I don't think I was expecting it to be so clean. Gram said it had been untouched since Mom and I left so I think there should be dust. Lots of dust. But it was spotless, like magazine worthy clean and decorated.
I was careful not to touch anything, but I walked through it looking at the pictures on the wall. I recognized my mother in most of them. Her wedding photo was framed and displayed on a side table, she was in a traditional white, he was in dress denim. My dad. Mother doesn't have photos of him at our house in Reno. She never talks about him at all. All she ever told me, was that he died when I was four; nothing else. He's always been a mystery me. But here are several pictures of him and Mom. She looked so happy in all of them and he looked... that's when I saw it. Mom always said I looked like my father, but I don't look a thing like the man in these photos. There's a resemblance, yes, but this dude is tall, blonde and blue-eyed like Mom. Jude looked more like this guy than I did. I'm short. I have brown hair and black/brown eyes. Why would she lie to me about that? I don't look like my dad at all. There's a story these people aren't telling me.
I was so caught up in the pictures that I didn't hear Jimmy come in. "What the hell are you doing in here?!" he screams. He scared the shiznits out of me. "Get out! You're not allowed in here!" he yells as he dragged me outside by my shoulder. "This is my parents' house, Gram said so." I yelled back. "That means I can come in here whenever I want." Probably not the best choice of words looking back on it because he growled out something about everything belonging to him. He shoved me to the porch and told me to go home. Oh, I'd love to go home right now. Believe you me. I'd love to leave all these idiots with their crazy names and filthy animals! I want to go home. I miss my mom. AND I have a few questions for her now that I've seen those pictures of my 'dad'. I already know Gram won't tell me anything. That whole 'we don't tell each other's secrets around here' crap. Whatever. Supposedly she spent a year here when she was young. Maybe she was already knocked up when she got here. Like me.
Speaking of which, I'd like to see Jude. I want to know why he did this to me. I thought we were friends. We never thought of each other romantically. At least I didn't. He'll probably just blame the drugs. Oh, Jouniary – what a mess this all is. But whatev... I'm going to sleep; it's been a long day. TTYL
*
I curled up under the blankets trying to put the day behind me. Gram and Jimmy both scared me today with their temper fits but at the same time, I've thrown a few fits myself since arriving, so I guess I could give them a pass. When I made it back to the house, I noticed the kitchen was cleaned up so well, you'd never know it had been destroyed earlier. There was no porch concert tonight and dinner was a free for all. It's like nobody is talking to anybody and everybody is mad about something. It's a weird kind of feeling. Not so much, unsafe as unfamiliar. Just strange for here. Part of me really wants to know what is going on, part of me just wants to stay out of it.
I felt the heavy weight of an animal get on the bed near my feet. I looked to see that it was Jackie, the skunk. My breath hitched in my throat. I watched him sniff around as he got closer to my face. I tried to shoo him off, but when I made noise, he glared at me with those beady little eyes of his. I lied perfectly still as he wandered over the bed. How he got in here, I don't know. After a few minutes of sniffing around and feeling me up, he curled up between my belly and my knees and closed his eyes. So, I guess I'm sleeping with the skunk tonight. A fitting end to such a crappy day.
*
I woke up suddenly standing in a dark room. I don't know what time it is, but I know it's not my room at Gram's. Oh, great! The nightmares are back. I look to my left and see the silhouette of someone lying in hospital bed, illuminated only by lights of the machines around the bed. Presumably monitoring the person's status. "Fancy meeting you here," the voice said from behind me. I spun on my heels to see Jude standing there. "You look... different. A good different, though. I like the hair. It suits you."
"J-Jude. What are yo... Where..." I rubbed my temples as I talked to myself. 'It's a dream Melissa. Just go with it. Don't freak out. Dreams can't hurt you.' "Sorry, I just... You look good too. Sober. You look sober. Are you?"
He smiled. "If you look behind you, you'll see I have no choice at the moment." I looked. It was him in the bed. "Feels a little weird," he said. "Of all the trips I've taken, this one is the trippiest."
"What do you mean?"
"I have been stuck in this room for as long as I have been in that bed. I watch the doctors and nurses come and go. They do what they do, and I am just... here. Unseen and unheard. I've not interacted with anyone nor have has anyone come to visit me until you showed up. I'm actually surprised you are here and that you can see and hear me."
"Well, dreams being what they are..." I offered, staring at the boy in the bed. "What happened? Did you do this yourself?" I remembered how he closed his letter to me, and I was suddenly afraid for him.
"Yes. And No." He said solemnly. "I drove high and hit a truck. I saw it coming but didn't move..."
I spun back to the standing version and punched him in the arm. "What the frick, dude?"
"I'm not sorry. It's better this way."
"How can you say that?" I screamed. I beat his chest with both of my fists as he held my shoulders. "You were my friend! We were supposed to be there for each other. Always. What happened to that? How could you do this to me? Why would you?" I felt the tears burn against my cheeks. He silently let me hammer out my frustrations against him. "You're an asshole, you know that? I trusted you..." I stopped my assault and fell against his chest, sobbing. "I trusted you."
He held me close and simply whispered, "I'm sorry."
I pulled away, pushing him back in the process. "No! You don't get to be nice to me now. I'm hurt and I'm pissed. Look at what you did to me!" I screamed pointing to my protruding belly. I didn't want this. I didn't want you. Like that! This... Why?"
His hazel green eyes wandered to my stomach and back filled with tears. He sucked a sharp breath and let it out slowly. "I'm sorry Missypants. I wish I could take it back."
"No! You're getting off that easy. I want to know why!"
"We were both pretty high that night." He offered.
"Don't you dare blame the drugs! We were high plenty times together without this kind of crap happening." I crossed my arms and glared at him with all the animosity I could conjure up. For a dream, this one was as real as it gets.
The machines rhythmic beeping changed tempo bring in a slew of nurses who fussed and fidgeted over the boy in the bed. Jude and I went unnoticed and watched as they checked all the connections. One of the nurses told another to call the doctor with a report, then ran her fingers through her patient's hair. "I know you can hear me." She whispered into his ear. "I know you're still in there. Please come back to us." She squeezed his hand and the Jude standing by me rubbed the hand she was holding.
"You feel that?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "It's weird."
"This is by far, the craziest dream I have ever had."
"Me too."
"I'm still mad."
"You should be."
"I can't forgive you."
"Don't."
"But don't you dare die on me."
"Wake up Missypants. Forget about me."
"I'm serious, Jude. You'd better not be dead! You still haven't told me why."
He leaned over and pressed cold lips to my forehead. "Wake up Magpie." Magpie? His voice faded into the blackness. Why would he call me that? I shot up in my bed, heart pounding against my ribcage. Okay, back in my room at Gram's.
I took a deep breath and looked at my sleeping companion. Jackie lifted his head in my direction and stared at me for a long minute. "Do you dream?" I asked the skunk. He ignored me; just stretched like a cat and hopped off my bed. I watched the door close behind him as he waddled out of my room. Odd, I thought; but then this is Gram's place. Nothing is impossible here.