I enter the main area; The Boss is standing there just staring at me, either in amazement of my bravery or in amazement of my stupidity. Next thing I know, I hear applause. Everyone in the room is applauding me, even the little councilor guy.
"Gregg, I knew I picked the right guy for this job. No one ever goes into the rooms with the agent and closes the door behind them. No one ever has and I thought I would never see that. Very brave, good technique to gain and show trust." The Boss is practically separating my shoulder with all the pats on the back he's giving me.
I reply simply, "Well, that's what I get paid for, right?"
"Damn straight Gregg." Finally, The Boss confirmed I am actually getting paid. Had me worried for a minute.
I stretch a bit and let the boss know, "I'm going to go take a shower and lay down if it's ok with you."
"Go ahead bud; we'll get you if we need you. Good job today." I'm not used to getting compliments on my work performance. It feels…good.
I go by Holly's desk, she's not there but she is very busy from what I understand. My door pops open at the slightest touch of the handle and it feels like I'm really where I belong, like this is a home I never had.
Looking at the bed, I see my Holly resting under the covers with the fan on high. I walk over to her side of the bed, tripping over one of her shoes and barely keeping myself from hitting the floor. She is sound asleep; I kiss her cheek and get some clean clothes out. Time for a shower.
I strip down as the water heats up to the proper temperature for my comfort. While I'm waiting, I weigh myself. Two hundred pounds on a five foot eleven inch body. It's not as bad as it sounds but this gut has got to go. I wanted to be one eighty five with muscle, just too damn lazy to get motivated to do it.
When I step off of the scale, I take a good long look in the mirror, examining every centimeter of my face. I don't know what I'm looking for but I will know once I find it. I close in on the mirror a little more and flip the light switch off, then on again. My pupils pulse from large to small as I continue this exercise faster and faster.
I'm losing track of the time as I experiment with my eyes. The condensation from the hot water in the shower slowly swallows the mirror, starting from the perimeter and working its way inward until all visibility is lost.
The shower is a touch too hot as I step in so I roll the handle to the right just a smidge. I face the shower head and sit. My knees to my chest, my arms around my legs, I just sit. The water dropping, flowing from so far away is relaxing, helping me fight off a slight headache I feel coming on.
I sit there for at least thirty-five minutes, at least. Holly comes in the bathroom and pulls the curtain aside to check on me, "You alright baby? You've been in here for a while. Do you need company?"
Without turning my head, "Unfortunately, no company is needed. My head is pounding and the water falling on me really alleviates most of the pain."
"You need something? We have a damn pharmacy down her basically. A Percocet or something?" She asks.
"Can I get two 10mg Percocets?" I inquire, Percocet is one of my drugs of choice, that and Xanax.
"Sure Gregg. I'll be back." Holly exits the bathroom, it seems as though we have a drug store down here or something.
I stay in the shower; the cool air needs to exit the room before I can relax with the heat of the water again. The steam wraps my body like a nice gentle hug my mother used to give me.
Breathing in the steam is what breathing should feel like all the time. One can visualize where the steam is traveling when it is inhaled.
Holly returns with the pills. I take them using my mouth to capture some of the water from the shower head. As I rise to my feet, I get a touch light headed and clutch the shower enclosure to regain my balance and stabilize myself. I look over and Holly is still there, she is watching me in a weak moment.
Why did she leave at the realization that I am some fucked up dude that has a lot of issues? I'm used to abandonment, I'm used to betrayal. As I exit the shower, Holly is waiting for me with a towel. Instead, I push the towel aside and grab her, my loving embrace to show appreciation for her being in my life.
We stand there, me nude and her in a big t-shirt, for ten minutes easy. The comfort, the compassion, the embrace, all of it feeling perfect. All of it missing from my life for so long, it's alien to me but I love it.
I slip on the boxers I had picked out before I entered the shower and head to the bed. Holly has already beaten me there. The cold sheets feeling like a perfect fitting glove as I slide in and rest my eyes.
Holly places her head on my chest again, like last night and plays with my chest hair, twirling it with her index finger.
The silence in the room is broken when she asks, "Do you believe in God, do you believe in life after death, heaven?"
I reply with a scoff, "As fucked up as this world is, there is no way we have a little almighty puppet master watching over us and not taking action. People eating other people, ladies putting babies in microwaves or drowning their children in lakes. All the senseless murder, sadness, depression. There's no way there is some alien supreme being watching all of this and allowing it to continue. Plus it's impossible."
Holly picks her head up and looks at as if I had just called her a bitch or something, "Seriously? You don't believe in anything? How do you mentally survive, how do you motivate yourself through each day?"
I smile, "Sweetie, there is nothing to believe in. My destiny is not already all planned out for me, if I choose to blow my brains out; nothing is going to stop that. My mind is so distorted and abused that it is merely one big scab, getting picked at each day over and over again. That's it. Each day comes and each day goes. In the end we will all just see darkness, I know this."
Just as I say this, all the power in the complex shuts down.