In the countless memories that Deen have about her family, there was this particular memory that Deen holds so close to her heart. A moment where everytime she remembers, there will always be a smile in her face, a day that she considers to be the most relaxed she has ever been.
She remembers then, how the cold breeze touches her skin and how the curtains beautifully dances along with the wind, how beautiful the flowers have been and the butterflies that played along with her little cousins in their backyard. She remembers the beautiful giggles and the soft sounds of her piano. She can swear that if she tries so hard to imagine that scenery, she can smell the barbeque that her uncles are roasting and the laughter of her aunties as they tell stories to each other. She can also feel the phantom touches of her little brother as he tries to follow her fingers as she plays the piano, the broken humming of one of her cousins and the loud teasing of the others.
It was a beautiful day, a nostalgic moment that made her want to stop the time and just stay a little bit longer.
If only she could turn back time, then she would go back to that day.
She remembers how her mom approached her and played with her hair, how her father sat beside her and her brother as he joined them in playing the piano. She remembers how some of the family went near them and listened to every song they played and sang along with it. She remembers how relaxed she was, how happy that day was, how content she was with her life in that moment, how picturesque that moment was.
She remembers painting that memory in the biggest canvas she ever owned, how she proudly showed it to everyone during one of their family dinners, how fulfilling it was when everyone expressed their awe and the proud laughter that her father let out during that night. But she also remembers how she trashed that painting when everything started to collapse.
She remembers breaking down in their living room while everyone was away consoling her brother. She remembers how painful it was to look at the painting that she painted so lovingly, it was both frustrating and infuriating that she ended up reaching the painting and throwing it to the floor so hard that some of the stray shards of the glass frame scrapped her legs, but she never cared about the pain, she stopped caring about how the world would judge her if she will leave everything behind.
And at that very moment, when everyone returned, hoping to see Deen, she was no longer in the country and no one has ever heard of her since.
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"Have you seen Deen these passed few days?" Tungsten asked Astra and Jrey as they meet up for lunch.
"Not really. The last time I asked, Ryu said that she's finishing up her commissions and her final project for this semester." Jrey says.
"Something's wrong with her these passed few days." Astra says while the two orders their food. "What do you mean? She still treats me as her punching bag." Tungsten says as he looks at Astra with a raised brow. "Stop talking that way or else the people hearing us will misunderstood you." Jrey says as she throws a used tissue at her friend's direction. "But Astra's right, Deen might have been talking to us as she normally does but she seems quieter than she originally is these days. I even saw her spacing out in our joint class." she added. "Oh yeah, now that you mentioned it, I think I saw her one time staring at a necklace blankly and she didn't even flinch when I tried to scare her." Tungsten says and proceeded in telling them about that day where he saw Deen at a park with a necklace that she seems to be fixated on that his plan of scaring her failed.
They don't usually talk about it, but sometimes, one of them will notice how Deen seems to be out of it. That sometimes, even if she was with them physically, her mind seems to be in another place and no one can talk to her. They're worried, alright, but they have longed stopped asking when they received nothing but silence from Deen when they tried asking about it, all they can do is to be there and try to provide whatever she needs at those moments.
It wasn't long after they noticed those strange behavior of their friend that Jrey stumbled upon a word during her psychology class that the three of them ended reading more about that condition and finally had a better understanding as to why their friend keeps on disappearing on them even though she's physically around.
Dissociation, as they called it, is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. The three of them tried to deny it but nothing good comes in denial, especially when they once witnessed one of Deen's break downs.
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"You can't hide forever, you know that right?" Zirrius says as he looks at Deen who is blankly starring at a blank canvas for hours. "You can stay here copped up in your studio for quite some time but you still need to go out and see how the world moves for yourself." he adds when Deen stays quiet. "Deen." He calls her after a few minutes of more silence.
"I know." Deen finally says, voice a little bit scratchy for not speaking for so long. "I know that the world is moving, I know that time passes by, I'm also aware that the others are looking for me, but I'm not ready to face the outside yet. I just can't." she says with a trembling voice and she tries to hug herself, she doesn't know why she does it though, it doesn't even comfort her.
Zirrius went near her and gives her the hug she desperately wants to feel, the warmth of someone, a proof that she is no longer alone in times of vulnerability. "The others are waiting, Ash too, is asking for you. He wants to hang out." Zirrius says softly as he kisses her hair. "There is only a little comfort that escaping can provide, but Deen, you need human interaction. You should try leaning on your friends when you're feeling lonely. You need to trust them more and let them help you."
"No. I only need you. I don't need much, I just need someone to be here and you're enough." Deen answers and tries to swallow the lump that's forming in her throat. She's done crying, she's tired of it, if only she could extract her tear ducts. "That would be unfair to your friends." Zirrius says firmly, "You're also hurting them by not letting them be with you in these kind of times. Friends stays together Deen, in good times or bad times. They showed you their vulnerable times because they trust you, so why can't you do the same?"
"I- don't want them to see how pathetic I am. I don't want them to see how much of a mess I am. I talked about being brave to them but I can't even do that."
Deen remembers how she used to be braver, how straightforward she was and how she never cared about what the others may think of her, she misses how strong she once was.
"Are you scared that they'll leave you if you showed them how vulnerable you are?" Zirrius asks. Deen didn't say anything, instead, she clutches her chest and cried, she cried as if the world is about to crumble in her feet again.
Vulnerability for Deen is a weakness that she wished she never showed to anyone in her past, because showing her weakness then, was the start of her downfall.
"Everyone pushed me in a corner when I showed them how weak I was, they pushed me at the edge of a cliff that I never imagined to be in at such a young age. I was betrayed then, feeling so used, I was so frustrated that not even my brother can ease the pain, I was so mad that the picture-perfect family that I used to believe that I have isn't actually perfect, I was so mad that I feel like I'm about to go insane and leaving is my only option. And I'm scared, I'm scared that if I let myself be vulnerable in front of everyone, I might not survive if I'll end up losing them too. " is what Deen wants to say but nothing came out of her mouth except sobs.
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"I'm sorry but I think it will take time before anyone of us will get to see Deen again." Ryu explains after the three friends went to see him after his class.
"But why? It's been weeks since we last saw her and house passcode suddenly changed." Jrey asks worriedly.
"I think she's having anxiety attacks more lately and she doesn't want to step out of her place or see anyone of us at the moment." He says tiredly, frustration seeping out of his expression because, he too, can't see Deen at the moment.
"If that's the case then she need us more in this time, we should all go and check up on her." Astra says but Ryu stopped her when she tries to leave. "I'm afraid we can't do that. She refused to see me when I went to see her a week ago. We don't need to worry too much though since someone's looking for her and is informing me how she's doing. I should tell him to inform Tungsten too so that you guys will be updated. I'm sorry for not saying anything until now." Ryu explains that made the two girls look at Tungsten confusedly. "Do you know something that you never told us?" Astra says, starting to get mad at her boyfriend. "No! I don't know what he's talking about." he denies and he locked eyes with Ryu before he realizes who is taking care of Deen, he felt a sudden relief and his worries started to lessen.
"If that's the case then, I think we don't need to worry much since that person will take care of Deen. Thank you for informing me, I'll message him later." Tungsten says before dragging the girls who started asking him questions if who is this person that made him drop his so called determination to break Deen's door if they wont get a reasonable explanation from Ryu.
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"You'll catch a cold if you stay out so late." Rhenar tells the person in front of him. He can see that he's shivering but he's not making any attempt to enter the house. "Seriously, you'll die of hypothermia if you stay any longer." he again says that fell on deaf ears.
"Instead of just talking, why don't you give him a blanket yourself?" Vien says as she follows her cousins in the balcony of their rented beach house and places the blanket at the person's shoulder. "Seriously, the only times I saw you caring for someone is when Ezrah is around." She says while rolling her eyes at her pouting cousin. "How dare you say her name! I miss her even more."
"Do you think she hates me?" the person suddenly asks that made the two look at him. "Why would she hate you?" Rhenar asks.
"I've been unwelcoming ever since you introduced her to the family." Rhenar shrugs at this. "She's a very understanding person. She wont hate you for not talking to her." he says.
"We should probably go inside though, this old man here is right, you'll catch a cold at this rate. The air's freezing." Vien said along with Rhenar's loud "hey!"
"Do you think I'm doing the right thing? The more I want to forget my sister, the more I crave to go in the places she used to love. This beach for example is her favorite for some reason, I want to ask why since there's nothing special in here but I guess I'll never get to hear why."
"Has it been four years already?" Rhenar asks, a rhetorical question. "I too wonder what's so special about this beach. I remember coming here with her four years ago and I asked the same thing but she never answered. I think this was the last place that we talked before she left." he recounted sadly. "She sounded desperate then, she was behaving strangely that I was always watching her because I was afraid that she would jump into the sea if I looked away."
"But she never did because I remember you two coming home." Vien says.
"She didn't." Rhenar agrees, "She didn't jump into the sea but she came back a different person." he added as the memories of that day flooded his mind. "She started spacing out a lot and I remember her telling me how she sometimes can't hear anyone because our voices are muffled."
"I remember how she started sleeping with the lights on." The third person recounted. "I sometimes hear her gasping for air too during the night and how her dark circles seems to get worse each day."
"She told me about her parasomnia and insomnia." Vien says. "But everytime I ask her if she's okay and if she needed help, she will always refuse me and always tries to smile in front of us but I guess only the three of us can only see through those pretense."
"I sometimes blame myself for not doing anything. If only I was older and knew better, she wouldn't have left. I would have known that something's wrong and helped her and carried half of her pain then she wouldn't have to leave." he says, finally breaking down and falling into his knees as he wails. Vien hurriedly kneeled beside him and wailed along with him, Rhenar did too, incasing his cousins in his arms, as he listens to their cries.
"Don't say that, Sol." Vien sobs. "We were older than you but we didn't even get to make her stay. If you're going to blame yourself then blame us too, blame the family for driving her away."
"If you want to blame someone then blame me. I was the one who she last spoke to." Rhenar says, letting a sob as he hugs the two tighter. "I was the one who's always with her but I didn't even get to help her, she was struggling but I couldn't help her in a way that she needs. I didn't try hard enough for her to stay. I'm so sorry." he adds as he starts to cry in a way that he would later deny that he did even with two witnesses beside him.
"I'm sorry for not being enough to make her stay, Sol. I'm so sorry." he keeps on saying until the three of them got tired and the sun started to rise. They stayed out for so long and decided to enter the house when a morning rain started to pour.
Unbeknownst to them, the Sun who was watching them pour their heart over the past that they regretted was crying along with them, thus the morning rain. Fate, who was a few miles away, has already sealed another story for the grieving cousins. And Argo who has been watching them for quite some time promised to watch over them as his dear friend's last granted wish wont go to waste.