Nobody ever knows about it.
I kept that very dark secret of mine all to myself. I can't even bother myself to tell my mom about what happened to me, I know she won't give a shit about it. And so, everything that I ever experienced from that man was written down on a journal. That was the only way I could vent all the stress and anger I had.
While she was still on a relationship with that man, I would always hide from him so he won't be able to lay a finger on me. But there were times that he would sneak in my room just to make me suffer for his disgusting pleasure. He would often leave with a threat so I wouldn't dare tell anyone about it.
I was really scared… no one was ever there for me. But instead of letting myself suffer even more, I try to make myself distracted when I'm out of the house.
Yuji was the best distraction I could resort to. He was the only one I ever felt warm, with him I feel like I'm with a family.
My moms' relationship with that man lasted for a few more years, but those few years felt so long and scary. And so, the time I spent with Yuji grew more because he's the only one I rely on to feel okay. There was even that one time that I got myself exposed…
"…hmm." I was staring at Yuji while he's watching some movie we picked. It was the very first time that it had crossed my mind.
"What is it, Tomakawa?" He suddenly asked, not even taking his eyes off the tv screen.
"I… uhm, nevermind." I almost told him about it!
"What? Tell me."
"Really, it's nothing."
"If you find this movie boring, just tell me."
"I told you, it's not."
"Then what were you about to say?"
"N-Nothing."
He chuckled and lightly pushed me. "You can always just tell me whatever it is on your mind. We're friends, aren't we?"
Since he told me that, it somehow encourage something within me. There were times that I attempted to tell him all the sufferings I experience, but what would he think of me if he knew about it? The thought of him being disgusted of me scared me. And so it ended with my lips being sealed about it.
I just continued to bear the pain, and numb it by having fun with my friends. And it was also thanks to Yuji that my days didn't become too dull, he was really the best of friend during those dark times of mine. Being with him really helped me stay sane and happy, he was also the one to give me such rose tinted visions whenever he's by my side.
Just when I realized my feelings for him, my life began to feel a little better. And it becomes even more better when the day came, the day that freed me from those years of suffering.
"Get out of my house!" I heard mom yell.
As I got back from school, the first thing I saw was a bunch of stuff flying out of the house. Then the next one to fly out of the house was the man who I always hated. "W-What the…"
"O-Oi! You can't do this to me! I—"
"Shut your trap and leave! I don't ever want to see you again!" Mom told him.
The awful man cursed her and left. When I got inside the house, mom was crying. And she sobbed even louder when she faced me. "…what's up with you today?" I asked.
But it was a relief for me that she finally got rid of him.
"I-I'm… I'm so sorry!" I didn't know why she was apologizing, until I saw that she was holding my journal. I took it away from her and ran all the way to my room. I can still remember how hard it was for me to stop myself from crying.