"Yi Ming Liang!"
The university's principal calls me up to the main quadrangle's platform, bestowing upon me my diploma and a firm handshake. I can't help but show a wide grin before the massive audience whose uproarious applause and cheering glorify my name. My father stands near the front, arms crossed as a joyful tear flows through his wrinkles and dimples.
I've done it. I achieved my higher education, made my father proud, and am on my way to make a difference in the world.
"Fool!"
A voice too familiar shakes the earth, and the entire convocation fades into dust. The audience, my father, the principal, and even my graduation garb dissipates, leaving me alone in the expansive quadrangle that stretches the length of many football fields. The last person, or rather the last thing in the audience, is the statue of Guan Yu from home, which exists to rob me of my joy, even in the ethereal land of dreams. Ever since my grandma purchased it for my dad back then, it's only served as a painful reminder of my past.
"Have a reality check, closet pervert! If all you can do is dream up fantasies of girls and success-"
"I deserve to die, right?"
As I expected, this silences him for a second, before bouncing right back.
"Yes. It makes you a worthless loser! A worthless loser who can't talk, can't help others, can't help himself. And you dream of making your father proud?!"
"SHUT UP! WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW?"
I scream at the top of my lungs, reddening my face and planting pain in my throat.
"Always feel free to prove me wrong. Show me that you didn't quit college in vain. Show me that you can graciously receive help from others. Show me... that you can conquer your past and never make those mistakes again."
The majestic statue raises a fist then snaps. In a literal blink of the eye, I am no longer standing on a college campus, but laying on the sofa. Why can I not even have a minute of respite in my life? I slam my fist on the cracking milky walls immediately left of me.
It would be so much easier if I could just no longer exist. I'm probably just a burden on my father, and no friends or family would be burdened if I die. Why is my family investing in me with counseling?
I'll worry about it tomorrow...
I'll worry about it tomorrow...
I'll worry about it tomorrow...
I'll worry about it tomorrow...
I'll worry about it tomorrow...
I'll worry about it tomorrow...
..........
I open my eyes, woken up by the sizzling of a wok. Damn. A week has already passed. The feeling of dread washes over every muscle of mine as I fear the inevitable.
Dad stands in the kitchen, stir-frying something. How long has it been since he made a meal for me? He usually gambles on his days off.
"Wake up and brush your teeth. Today's your big day."
I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and by the time I come out, a glistening plate of stir-fried noodles, beef, and bean sprouts awaits me at my usual table. I try my hardest to hold back nostalgia-induced tears as I walk to it.
"It looks good, Dad."
"Good. Hurry up and we'll be on our way downtown."
"I-I-I don't want to go."
He stops rinsing the wok and grimaces.
"Son, there's no way around this! What will you do if something happens to me? Even if you can't return to school, you need to be able to secure a job somewhere! And you aren't even able to do that! So please, do this for me!"
After scarfing down the noodles, I grudgingly open a cardboard box containing my outside clothes. It's been ages since I had to contemplate what to wear outside, and the sheets of dust attest to that. The box contains unvarying collared shirts and sweatpants, only differing in color. Even with a fashion sense as dull as mine, anyone could tell this was simply inadequate.
My definitive configuration of clothing will consist of a black cap, a black windbreaker, black sweatpants, and a black shirt under that. If this doesn't lower my profile, I don't know what will.
"Hey, are you ready? Let's go!"
My dad calls for me at the door. As I head outside, I notice the statue of Guan Yu giving a slight smile and seeing me off with a wave.