I was then six years old when I figured out that the stereotype of being best friends with cousins was never for me.
One time, I saw my cousins playing badminton merrily. I was enticed with the game so I approached them to ask if I could join them.
"Ayanna, can I join the game? I don't know how to play badminton but I watched you play from afar so I think I kind of know a little about the mechanics," I said to my oldest cousin with eyes full of hope that my request will be granted.
She smiled a little and nodded, seemingly annoyed by my sudden appearance. But the young and innocent me didn't take it seriously and played with them enthusisastically.
"Ouch!" I fell on a muddy part of the land. I looked at my knees and saw blood that's why I couldn't help but cry.
"Oh! I'm sorry, Aztec! I didn't mean to push you," Ayanna apologized but when I turned to look at her, she was laughing with my cousins while looking at me.
"I... I'm going home." I tried my best to restrain my tears from falling as I gathered strength to stand up and walk toward our home... while hearing the laughters at my back.
Family...
The ones who will have your back whenever the waves of life will try to drown you into misery.
The ones who will teach you the values and principles of life,
the ones who will comfort you in sadness
and celebrate with you in times of victory and joy.
The ones who will help you heal your battle wounds and bruises.
Family...
I tried to clean my hands full of mud by wiping it on the hem of my shirt and spunged my tears off my face before completely entering our house. I was slightly nervous because I just sneaked out from my Mama. That was a hot afternoon and she wanted me to sleep but I slunk to come and play with my cousins.
It's because I wasn't sleepy. Who would want to sleep when he's not somnolent, right?
But no matter how pacific I try to secretly enter the house, Mama still managed to notice me.
"You, sneaky pickney! Aztec! Why are you not in your room? Didn't I tell you to sleep? When will you learn how to follow my commands, huh?!" Mama's angry voice triggered me to cry again. However, I understand why she was mad at me.
"M-Mama, sorry. I just went out to play but went home immediately. Ayanna pushed me and they laughed---" I was cut from my words when Mama's slap on my cheek welcomed me.
My tears fell more as I held my cheek.
"Who told you to talk back to me?! And don't ever try to stain your cousins' images, Aztec! I know you. Those children are far way nicer than you so what are you saying?" Her face that time was so angry that the younger me didn't know the reason why she acted that way.
"But it's true--- Ouch! Ma, please stop!" I was caught off guard that I didn't notice that Papa handed my Ma a belt.
I just cried hardly while helplessly accepting those scourges at my back.
I tried to ask Mama to stop hitting me but she
just hit me harder whenever I did so.
I begged Papa to stop my mother from hurting me but he just went back to the living room and continued watching television.
I tried to scream for help, hoping that someone would come and help me... but no one came. Helplessly, I screamed until I lost strength and started to lose consciousness.
What's wrong with telling my mother that some people bullied me? What's wrong with asking for a refuge because people are being mean to me?
I just wanted comfort but I received rebuke.
Sure, physical pain is too much to bear especially when it is caused by the ones you love the most. But it will eventually heal in time. And unfortunately, it may leave a scar. Well, at least it'll heal, right?
But words...
No matter how much I try to forget those words they threw at me, it just won't go away. It's like they etched every single letters in my heart that it hurts every single day I'm breathing.
Family.
What is it again? Is it really that important?
It's just that... there are these days when I sometimes forget its meaning and how much we should treasure it as how we treasure ourselves.
But the problem is.. there are times when I even lose myself that I couldn't perceive how notable its significance is in valuing my existence... My entity that they've always hated.
At times I wake up, not being able to figure out what is the feeling I'm feeling with the person I am that I somehow don't know.
I can still remember that sunny day. That was the first day of my first year in elementary. My Mama didn't buy me a new uniform that's why it didn't fit me well. I got taller during the vacation.
However, I was still very excited to go to school that's why the moment I got out from the school bus, I speedily went inside the school.
I went straight to the first building and entered the first room in the first floor. Our classroom was painted pink that added to my enchantment in doing my best that school year. It's because pink was my favorite color.
I chose to occupy the seat in the first row. And because our teacher's still not present, I took that chance to look around our classroom.
Slowly, it was being employed by students, my classmates for that year.
Just like me, there was that excitement in their eyes. Consequently, I instantly noticed how different I am from them. They had their parents with them to accompany them in going here just to make sure that their child will be safe... while as for me? I just went here after getting ready and after cooking myself a breakfast.
I let out a sigh while sadly looking at my classmates, slightly envying them for having such good parents. I wished my parents are, too.
But then, I shrugged those thoughts off. I just thought that I should be happy because my parents are allowing me to go to school... Although they seemed to just be obliged.
Our teacher entered the room and the day went on fastly. As soon as we're done with our last class, I carried my bag and walked my way outside the room.
I was nearing the exit gate when the group of Venice, my classmates who were being feared by students, blocked my way.
"Oh, look who's here." Venice looked at me from head to toe while folding her arms. "The conceited Aztec who thinks she's smarter than me," she said while raising an eyebrow.
"No, Venice. I think you're mistaken. I just got very engaged with our discussion earlier that's why I was always raising my hand to recite. If... If that's what you're talking about," I said apprehensively while looking on the ground.
Venice hates me. When we're in Kindergarten, Venice was awarded as the class salutatorian while I was the valedictorian. She couldn't accept that.
I can still clearly remember how she cried on our graduation day while shouting at me in front of many people. She even told her mother her accusations about me, cheating on our exams. Good thing Ms. de la Rosa, our adviser for that school year, was there to defend me.
I was taken aback from my trance when Venice pushed me. I almost lost my balance because of the intensity of her push.
"Oh, reasons, huh?! For all I know, you cheated earlier on our quiz. Give me your bag. I know you have the key answer of our quiz earlier. Let me see! Give me your bag! "
Her two companions forcefully removed my bag from my shoulders and even if I don't want to give it to them, they still managed to take it away from me.
Venice unzipped my bag and poured my things on the grass. I immediately kneeled to get my things.
"You're always on my way, Aztec. I wish you're not my classmate. Gosh! My blood is boiling just by seeing you!"
They stepped on my things before leaving me there as they laugh.
I continued picking up my belongings. My notebooks are crumpled and Mama will surely get mad at me. Because of the mixture of fear and sadness, again, I cried helplessy while putting my things in my bag.
That time, I went home while bracing myself for the trouble that will welcome me the moment I come home.
I was then seven years old when I knew that nowhere is a safe place and no one is my safe haven.
It's just me... and my will to abide.
For I hoped that someday, all these afflictions will fade away.
That someone will be my refuge who will blow the desert of pain in my heart and become the oasis to invigorate my arid heart.
And from then on, I will be at peace.
***
"Serenity"
Hearts are red
But mine's turned blue
For a reason I'll never know,
'Til I find the rainbow's end
That ghostly galleon in the sky
Floats calmly up on high
While I stare at it in the windowsill
As the void inside me's instilled.
Looking up, I silently wish
That superman will appear
To save me from this leash
Of sadness that gives me fear
I fear that one day I'll get tired,
I'll give up on everything
For I am sick of living
Tired of finding the rainbow's end
But that ghostly galleon in the sky
Made me enter a galaxy
A galaxy of serenity
That made me wander peacefully
I guess I'll never find an aid
For this bruised and scarred heart
But this galaxy I found
Gave band aid to my broken heart.
-A.B.