" No man will ever love you like I did!"
Those were the last words Edgar said to me before he walked out of the court room, right after signing our divorce papers. In all honesty, I had never completely erased those words out of my head.
It was like an imprinted memory that would take forever to fade. He was probably in Miami right now with his secretary having fun while I stared at my white ceiling waiting for a miracle to happen.
It still hurt so much when I thought about him. All my attempts to move on were vitiated by the lack of willpower in my heart. He was tattoed in my heart even after our divorce and the thought of throwing away every moment we shared in our four years of marriage didn't really appease me. It tore me apart.
Edgar was perfect in every way. His dark curly hair was so shiny and so soft. His eyes were blueish with a mixture of grey that I always found unique and nice. He had a darker skin which he got from a mixture of an American dad and a Jamaican mom. His lips were soft, plump and so pink. He was tall, about 6'4 while I stood at 5'8. He was beautiful and the epic epitome of perfection.
I was lucky to be his wife.
Our marriage was good. He got promoted at work as CEO and due to his change of work status, he got super busy and that somehow affected the personality I had chosen to leave behind when he married me. I was too insecure for my own good. One confrontation led to another which broke out into a heated argument day after day. He would get super mad and leave the house, sometimes he would get back home after a week. It became so messed up that I personally lost control of my marriage. I forgot how to be the wife and he forgot how to be the husband. All I could think about was how he was probably cheating on me with his secretary in his office, whenever he would get home late.
Every single insecurity I harboured spiralled out of control and came crushing down on me making me lose myself in the process. It was stupid how I couldn't take it anymore when the whole time I let my demons lead me. Our lives refused to be parallel, there was no respect between us anymore. The love that was there was quickly blanketed by doubt and anger towards each other. The perfect symmetry that existed between us died. He couldn't take it anymore and somehow I knew what was coming.
That made me more angry and more self hate found itself in my heart.
Despite being away from each other after all this months, my emotions were still in a giant tangle, like a ball of yarn after the cat played with it. I was feeling unaccomplished and on top of that lonely as ever. My work appraisal forms illustrated how my work performance was deteriorating and how I wasn't taking control of my life. It was so annoying how I was still holding on to a ship that sailed away ages ago. I was still hurting over Edgar. I had no friends anymore because the only friend I had always taken her time reprimanding me to let go of Edgar; and we split as well because I couldn't handle the bitter truth. I didn't want to let go. I couldn't.
I exhaled sharply as my eyes became teary again. I needed to think about myself before I completely turned insane with the thoughts of that man. How I wish I could erase him out of my mind. Is there such magic on the planet Earth?
It was almost one in the morning according to the clock on the bedside table. I needed to sleep but I just couldn't. Not without thinking about him again. Angrily, I stretched my hand and opened the first drawer of the bedside table. I retrieved a bottle of sleeping pills that I had been prescribed for by my doctor few weeks ago. I placed one pill in my mouth and swallowed it dry. I placed the bottle on top of the table and threw the blankets over my head and then forced my eyes shut.
After a short while, I fell asleep hoping tomorrow would finally wake me up from the bitter and painful episodes of my life. That tomorrow would be there to help me better myself again.