Zac's POV
My eyes stayed at the same spot for a solid twenty minutes. The bird-eye view from Dad's office never ceased to amuse me. It's just how the sun was rising, the city went back alive and the noise continues.
I've texted Ari last night regarding the event but she declined as she had a date tomorrow.
She never told me anything about anyone for these past days, anyone that she's interested in. I waved the thought off by just hoping that she would find a good man for herself.
I glanced at my watch and it was still early in the morning. I pull out my phone and called him.
The line rang for a few seconds before a grunt chimed on the other side.
"Rafiq. How are you?" I was the first to start the conversation.
I heard some shuffling and creaking sounds.
"Aside from the throbbing headache and slightly dehydrated, I'm totally fine." His voice was deep and husky, showing that he just woke up.
I closed my eyes. A sense of relief came gushing inside me but then my mind wonder to myself.
You're not his friend. Why did you care so much about him?
"What happened last night?" My voice came a little softer than I anticipated.
"What happened last night?" He repeated before letting out a low chuckle while I rolled my eyes.
Either he's pretending not to remember or he's too drunk last night.
"I-I'm just..." I trailed off as I lost in words, confused about what I was about to say.
Worried?
Bored?...
"Zac? 'You just' what?" He spoke after a long pause in the air.
I quickly continued. "Wondering if you would come with me tomorrow to this formal event. I-if you want, it's okay if you're busy."
He sighed softly. "Sorry, prince. I have a date."
"A date? With who?"
"My girlfriend. Why? You wanna come and join us?" He teased.
I tried to hide it. This loud beating of my heart, pounding against my chest. I felt that sunken tug inside me. My breath hitched. I gulped the dryness of my throat.
"It's okay, I understand." I tried to sound calm and collected.
But deep down I knew that; someone like him would never be with someone like me.
"Sorry, Zac." He muttered.
He was too perfect for me, a broken piece.
He was too pure for me, an unholy light.
He was too good for me, an embarrassment.
"It's fine." I hung up before staring back at the huge window in front of me.
It's totally fine.
Fine... Okay...
Words that always been used whenever you're in a moment when you felt not necessarily sad but you just want to cry again and again and again without any particular reason.
It's not a coincidence if Rafiq and Ariel liked each other. Ariel is a sweet pretty girl and Rafiq is a kind handsome guy. They both looked great together. Plus, these few days, I noticed that they both become closer. They both looked happier, brighter when they're together. If that's what makes them happy, I'm more than ready to oblige. Even if I wasn't in the equation.
Who am I hold onto them?
Who am I to stop them from having a better life?
Who am I?
********
I heard chattering and chats from the other side of the blinds. Anxiety lingered around me. I made sure to glance over myself.
Black leather boots, buttoned-up shirt, and navy blue suit.
"Ready?" Dad peeked his head through the curtains.
"I'm ready," I replied as I tied the masquerade mask on.
I heard someone tapped the mic before Dad's voice echoed.
"To further exciting this event tonight, I present to you..." He paused for a moment for the dramatic effect before continued.
I took a deep breath.
"The Winter Phoenix."
Claps and applaud deafened the room as the big curtains were dragged aside, revealing the blinding lights and hundreds of eyes staring at me.
I closed my eyes.
The noises were muffled out, the lights were cast away.
But, as I delved deeper into my thoughts, I saw him. His face, his eyes, and his lights. Smiling sweetly at me, while holding my hand.
For me, the time may seem moving slower but in reality, only two seconds have passed and the crowd already stop clapping their hands.
The music cued in.
~~~~~~~~
This is my story.
Played again and again.
Don't leave, please.
Just turn around.
Tell me what is love.
You, who has not love me anymore.
All the things in my head.
You never left me alone.
Who are you to make me feel pitiful?
Why did you leave without saying anything?
You never leave my mind.
I can't get rid of you.
Why did you keep pushing me?
I cannot believe it.
I hate myself
For living on after losing you
But I hope that someday...
I found the truth behind those closed eyes.
Oh, tell me, what is love?
Tell me, what is love?
Like you told me while gazing into my eyes
The eight letters hurt so deep.
My heart finally knows
Oh, tell me, what is love?
Tell me, what is love?
These thoughts won't run away.
Is there really love in this world?
I'm not ready for this.
Just wait for a minute.
I lost you, and I lost myself.
I love you too much.
Tell me what is love?
Tell me what is love?
~~~~~~~~
Once finished, I took a deep breath before the whole room fell dead silent. No one made a sound and no one did anything for that moment. It was a total quiet.
But then, a clap was heard. And then, two people were clapping. Before I could do anything, everyone was standing on their feet, cheering, and clapping their hands vigorously as the bright smile tugged on their faces.
I blinked in disbelief. It was like a trance, a spiraling vortex that sucked me into a disowned universe. Cheers and whistles echoed through my eardrum.
My eyes darted around the audience in front of me. All of them nodded and smiling. Boys and girls, men and women.
But then, all of the sounds ceased when my eyes found a figure at the very corner of the hall. Claps and whistling sound were muffled as we made eye contact, which stayed like that for a few seconds.
He was looking down at me as if angry and I was looking at him wondering about his presence.
I bowed down politely before the curtains were closed.
********
I hope there's someone who could pull me up from this breathless emotions.
A hand to hold me when I fall into the darkness.
A soul to be close to me when I was in my most vulnerable state.
But how could I know if one day I wake up feeling wrong?
How could I know if one day I closed my eyes feeling nothing?
How could I know one day I look up feeling empty?
Gaze over gaze, touch to touch, kiss for a kiss.
I don't want to live in a glasshouse, fearing that I might hurt myself while destroying my only protection.
But I wanna get out, to see the outside world. Roam around the land and feel the grass between my toes. To breathe-in the gust of cold air as I spread my arms across the blue sky. To see the floating lanterns, reflecting from the stars above.
I wanna be free...
... but there was no way of getting out of here.
I guess my mind really is my only prison.
The people were chatting with themselves about business stuff but I waved them off as I elbowed my way through the crowd.
I approached him with hesitant steps as I looked around for his date but I found no one was lingering around him while he was looking at his phone.
He looked so sophisticated with his black suit and shiny leather shoes. His hair was combed back and everything about him looks so matured.
I cleared my throat to catch his attention. "Ry?"
He raised his gaze from the screen and his eyes met mine.
The way his eyes twinkled mesmerized me, pulling my consciousness into a deep unknown realm. Lost in words, frozen in time, and kept in memories.
"Hi, Zac." He beamed.
"You told me you had a date. What are you doing here?"
"I had a date here." He smirked.
"Where is she then?" My lips slightly quirked.
"She already went home." He gestured with his head.
I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice but they're shown through my eyes. I assumed Rafiq saw this as his expression soften and he bent down to my eye level.
He kept staring as my gaze remained behind him, hesitant to make eye contact with him.
There are things that I was ashamed of. Things that I hope to be forgotten, things that I wish to be forgiven, things that I pray never repeated.
But...
Having hopes doesn't change anything.
Whispering wish couldn't protect you.
Saying pray wouldn't save me.
Never rarely but sometimes always.
He inhaled deeply before his breath brushed my face. His lips curled into a perfect smile, revealing those white pearls into shine.
He pushed my chin to raised my face. "Can we have a date after this?" He spoke with the sweet voice of his.
"Like coffee shop?" I clarified with a raised eyebrow.
"Like coffee shop." He repeated before he took my hand in his and dragged me with him.
It felt weird but also, it felt right. There's something warm about his hand that wrapped around mine. Something that I never experienced before, yet it felt unbelievably familiar. With his masculine scent, his attractive voice, and his warm touch. I can't help but to fall deeper into his oceans.
********
"Hey, what's wrong?"
Startled, I averted my eyes to him. "N-nothing!"
"You seem kinda drifted off there." He smirked, with his hands wrapped around the mug.
"Been thinking about some stuff." I waved him off.
"Would you tell me?"
"Somethings about the assignment."
"You care that much, huh?" He took a sip of his coffee.
I hummed softly. "Of course I do."
The only noises that accompanied us were the tapping sound on my mug and distant chatter of some other customer.
I paused for a while before continued speaking. "I've been thinking about you."
He chocked on his coffee before coughing a few times. "M-me?"
"Yes, you!"
"What about me?"
"It's a little odd. You're had a lot of accomplishments in your old school in California. You're doing great."
"So?"
"Why move here?"
He seems to be taken aback by my question as he remained silent for a second. He looked down to his lap like he's hiding something.
"You have a lot of potentials there and then suddenly you came here." I continued after he didn't answer me.
He huffed softly. "Family issues, I guess."
"Family issues?"
"My parents got divorced and my mom takes me here."
I tapped my nails onto the coffee mug like a ticking clock.
67 body bags, 68 body bags, 69 body bags...
"I'm leaving." I took my coat.
Rafiq was perplexed. "W-why?"
I got up and looked him in the eyes. "I know you're lying."
My legs instinctively strode to the exit, ignoring Rafiq pleads to stay.
Once I was outside, my eyes found the familiar black fancy car already waiting for me. I raised my hand and Will started the engine before driving towards me.
He got out with his breath panting. "Zac, wait. I can explain."
"Go on, then." I crossed my arms.
"I-I was just..." He trailed off but his eyes found mine.
He grabbed both of my shoulders, keeping me in place. "I-I can't tell you. It's complicated."
I took a step back, releasing myself from his grip.
"I thought so." I nodded calmly before turning around and got into the car.
But before I could close the door, he held it. "Wait!"
"I'm sorry. I truly am." His voice barely counts as a whisper.
Strange feeling lingered around. An ocean dream was in his eyes but there were also secrets in them.
"Wasn't 'truly' enough." I closed the door and Will drove away.
**********
It has been a week, yet Rafiq and I hadn't been talking. We glanced at each other during class but that's it.
Sometimes, our eyes met each other.
Just a few moments of gaze.
No words were spoken, no messages were expressed.
Yet, I saw a glimpse of light in his eyes.
Maybe he felt a sense of guilt because he lied to me or maybe I felt a sense of shame to be such an immature person.
It has been awfully awkward to talk to him. I don't know why I got this strange foreign feeling and I don't like it.
I feel like I'm hopeless; empty and need to be filled.
But, I really do want to talk to him. To mend words that weren't meant for him.
The temptation that interrupted my focus, that weird ache in my chest, and the loud pounding of my heart whenever I saw his eyes.
Yet every time he was in front of me, the words got stuck in the back of my throat. My body froze abruptly and my mind crashes with billion thoughts, striking every conscious that I have in my head.
I got a sense that he's also dying to approach me but he seems very hesitant and frightened about the idea.
He only mingled with his new buddies and his teammates. Not that it was a wrong thing to do but I had a throbbing pain in my chest every time he does that.
Ignoring me, avoiding me.
The thing is, his friends were also avoiding him from me. Whenever I got close, they would surround him and dragging him to another place.
I wasn't angry, because I felt like it was his right and not mine.
He is not mine.
********
Silence.
It's a gift when you want it but it's a curse when you avoid it.
I sat alone near the corner of the room on the floor, between the racks so that no one would see me even though the library was stranded as students went to the cafeteria for lunch.
I was about to plug in my earphone before a huge figure towered over me.
He swiftly closed the gap and I found myself trapped.
My only way out was behind him.
To my surprise, he started to make his way to me, not breaking the eye contact in that period of time and crouched down.
"We need to talk," Rafiq demanded with an intimidating voice as his shadow cast over me.
I just kept staring at him as I was too awkward to speak to him.
"Are you avoiding me?" He asked urgently.
"I don't know it's 'complicated.'" I shrugged sarcastically albeit my eyes stared deeply into his.
"I told you I'm sorry. Tell me what's wrong? Did I do something wrong? Or maybe something is bugging your mind, I can help." He holds me by my shoulders, our faces are inches apart.
I pushed his hands, breaking his grip on me.
"The only thing that is wrong right now is you're stopping me from enjoying my free time." I tried to stand up him but it was useless. He stopped me from moving an inch as long as he was not satisfied.
"What can I make it up to you?" His voice was soothing and soft as if he's careful not to cross a line but pressing stern as he demands.
"Why..."
"'Why' what?" He seems to be dumbfounded.
"... did you lied?" I continued with a pressed tone.
The air got quiet for a while. Uninvited silence came wrapping us both. He scratched the back of his neck while looking down on the floor.
"I lied... because I'm poor." He stuttered hesitantly.
"So?"
"I was afraid that someone like you wouldn't mingle around with people like me." His eyes were like a clear emerald stone, so pure and beautiful, looking at me in the eyes.
"Did you just stereotyped me?" I narrowed my eyes on him.
"N-no! No! Oh god. I just made things worse, am I?" He facepalmed.
I took a deep breath and raised my sight to look at him. "Yes. Yes, you are."
He put his hands on my shoulders, faces inches apart from me. "Listen, when I ask around; they told me to stay away from you. They said you're mean, cold, and arrogant. I do believe that. But I also saw kindness, warmth, and caring side of yours. That's why I insisted to be your friends."
"So, long story short, you're curious about me?"
"Yes! Yes, I do." He let go of me.
"Good. Cause I'm curious about you too."
"M-me?"
"Yes, you!" I repeated. "The other night, you called me. And when you're blabbering nonsense, I figured that you're drunk so I just played along. But then, a voice came in then you hung up. And I knew that you're in trouble, so I got into my car and drove around looking for you all night."
"You did?" He seems shocked as his eyes widened.
"What happened that night?" I urged.
"Just some muggers. Don't worry, I got away." He let out a stiff chuckle.
I shook my head as that didn't answer my question. "Why are you drunk that night?"
There's a pause. He went silent for a while, looking down on the floor. Hesitancy was prominent in his eyes.
Finally, he answered. "I miss someone."
"Who is it?"
"I never met them." He shrugged as he sat down in front of me.
"How can you miss someone you never met?"
"Somehow, they never left me. But they're never with me either."
I finally understood who was he talking about. Someone that he never met yet he miss them so dearly. Someone that never left him but was never present in his life.
I pursed my lips. "This may sound harsh but, sometimes you gotta let go of the past and focus on the present."
He gulped, face scrunched in agony. "I tried. I tried so hard but it didn't work."
His voice was breaking as I saw the tears welling in his eyes.
He ran his hand through his hair. "Before I go to sleep, I wonder how they would look like? How different my life is gonna be? I'm tired. I'm so so tired being like this, to live like this. I don't want to do this anymore."
I tugged his sleeve to gained his attention. "Ry. I don't know how you feel, but I understand them. My parents always not around, it's nothing compared to what you're going through but..."
I paused for a moment. I took a deep breath, the one that couldn't calm you a bit down but at least you're trying to relieve the tension building in your chest.
"...if you need a friend to talk to, I'm always here." I smiled reassuringly as I put my hand on his shoulder.
His face beamed in surprise. "Really?"
His face changed from concern to something I can't define what they really are. It's something that was hidden deep inside him but somehow a glimpse of them shine a little bit light to the outside world.
"Don't get too excited. I don't like hug..." He abruptly wrapping his arms around me. He planted his face in the crook of my neck.
I was about to push him away but then I stopped.
Slowly, I felt my shirt was soaking wet around my shoulder area.
Is he crying?
I heard a faint sob as he kept his arms tightly on me. His whimpers were muffled by my shirt.
Out of my consciousness, I threw my hands onto his back, hugging him back. I patted his back while I rocked us back and forth to reassure him.
At that moment, there's the silence that I want.
A piece of peace that I want to spend with him. Him around my arms, as I'm in his. Totally enjoying each other's company. Soothing our jagged edge. Reassuring our past.
For once, in a long time, I feel relieved.
***********