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[TRIGGER WARNING] This chapter explicitly talks about self-harm. It might be a sensitive subject for some, so I prefer giving you this warning in case that is something you prefer avoiding. Thank you.
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[ This chapter is meant to be read after Chapter 22 and before Chapter 23. It is an auxiliary chapter expending on one of the main character's back story. So not reading it, or reading it at any other moment in the story, would not drastically change the narrative of the normal volumes and chapters progression, but I still recommend reading it after Chapter 22 for the best experience! Thank You! ]
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Inside City - Pleasure District
Birthname - Emy
14 years old
The Suffocating Truth of a Cursed Bloodline
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Who am I really hurting? Am I really fulfilling my intent? At first, I saw it as my escape. A gateway towards security. Peace. But recently, doubts have deafened my reason. Or more accurately, those doubts are just the truth I never wanted to believe in. Believing would only be proof that something is wrong with me. But I'm guessing there is, isn't there? No sane person would just inflict themselves pain like I am.
I lied to myself, thinking I was hurting others. Hurting my family and their twisted and sickening fate. By cutting myself, my thighs, my ankles, my wrists. I thought I'd make my body ugly. Useless. That way, nobody would want me. Hire me. By scarring my skin, I'd free myself from my family's business: prostitution. I was born for the sole purpose of selling my integrity, my intimacy. I was cursed at my birth.
My family tries to convince me that what we are doing is honorable, and for the best. But I know. They are trying to convince themselves by presenting it as an opportunity instead of an obscene oath; the pill is easier to swallow that way. I'll soon be old enough to go through what my older sisters and brothers have to go through. Forced and manipulated to fulfill the twisted desires of sick grown men and women. I just can't do that.
That's why I thought I fell into self-harm and mutilation to destroy this future, labeling myself as a broken toy. But I'm doing just like my parents are doing by trying to believe in their truth, that this is a price to pay for our well-being. That's all I'm doing: trying to believe. But the truth is darker than that. Sadder than that. It's just soothing. I don't feel pain anymore. Not because I'm all strong and tough, but because the pain is merely a fraction of the process.
When my thoughts won't stop. When the sounds won't quiet down. When the voices won't shut up. When my breathing won't slow down. Seeing my skin smoothly, leisurely open. Watching my blood flow out, quietly, gently. It calms me. It brings my senses focus and ease. Peace of mind.
But today is the day. If I'm going to run away from home, I need to leave everything behind. And that includes my habits. I know too well that it's a coping mechanism. It's not really helping me. It's only creating a never-ending cycle of suffering. I tried to stop. Many times. But I just couldn't. I had to find escape, no matter how perverted my means were.
I just couldn't bear hearing my older sister throwing up in the middle of the night after dealing with a forceful client. I just couldn't bear the thought of the same thing happening to me. I just couldn't bear the thought of the same fate waiting for my younger siblings. So pure. So innocent. They never asked for any of this. Neither did I.
That's why, if I escape tonight, I believe I won't have to cope with anything; I'll be away from my family's pain. That makes me a coward, I know. But never I, or anybody in my family, has ever thought for themselves. We were born to accept, to endure. But now, I'll start acting. I'll start living.
I don't care how dangerous it is Outside; I can't imagine anything worse than what is waiting for me here. I'll cast away everything. If it's an ultimatum I need to be able to stop, then that's what I'll do. I'll leave behind my family and cast away my name. If I'm ready to never be called by my name again, I need to be ready to never spill my own blood.
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The young girl was packing her things, meticulously, slowly, silently. The dim light emanating from her desk's lamp was barely enough to illuminate her determined face. Though a blushing red was sitting under her blue eyes from all the crying she'd been through that night, she was crying no more. She shed her tears, but now it was time to be strong.
She picked a dozen pieces of clothes and put them away in her case, along with all the jewelry decorating her. Only two pieces took longer to part ways with. The first one is her Foundation bracelet, for technical reasons. Those bracelets made for Insiders were not necessarily meant to be taken off. However, they were not impossible to take off; Doc just assumed nobody would want to take them off, for they were the gateway for a secure and luxurious life inside the Lab's walls.
With some minor struggles, she was able to remove it. The second piece that gave her issues was the necklace she was wearing. Only this time, the issues were emotional. Looking at it, she was pulled a few years back, inside her mother's room.
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"Here, it's time you have this."
"Huh?"
The girl was staring at the piece resting in her mother's palms. A necklace. At first sight, it did not impress her young eyes; it was not as shiny as the other jewels she had received before.
"What is it?"
"It's a gift from your father."
Until that day, her irises had never lit so brightly.
"... M- My father..?"
"Yes."
With her small fingers, she gently picked up the now precious pendant to take a better look at it. She was speechless.
"He told me to give it to you when I believe it would fit you well. I believe it should fit you perfectly now. He would be proud of you. You've grown into a very fine little lady, Emy"
She did not see the playful smile on her mother's face, nor did she hear a word she said. However, resentment slowly animated her facial features.
"He should have given it to me himself."
"You know he couldn't do that."
"No. I don't know."
"Emy…"
"No. Why is it I don't know what he looks like? Why is it I don't know his name? Why is it he never came back to see me? To see you?"
"You know it's more complicated than that."
"It's not complicated. If he wanted to see us, he would come to see us. But he doesn't. He's a coward."
"Emy!"
The woman's tone made Emy flinch. She knew she had gone too far. But from her perspective, understandably, she didn't see her father as anything less. All her siblings know their respective fathers. Even if they don't have the same biological paternal figure, they have at least met theirs. Only her father is unknown to her and everybody else.
"Look, sweetie. I understand that it must be hard for you. I really do. And I understand that it's hard for you to believe everything I'm saying. But I need you to try. I have no reason to lie to you, Emy."
"Did he die?"
"Emy…"
"If he's not dead, he has no reason to not be here. So did he, Mom?"
"I don't know. But, I like to believe he's still alive. I know he is."
"You said you don't lie."
"I don't."
"How can you know he's still alive then? You told me you never saw him again after I was born."
"I know. But I am certain he's still out there. I'm sure because I know him. He's a strong man. And he has a kind heart."
"Hm."
"So please. Accept his gift. If not for him, do it for me. He asked me to make sure you would receive it. I don't want to fail the last promise I made to him. And I know, Emy. I know, that someday, you will see him. And if you wear this necklace, I am sure, he will recognize you. That is the true meaning behind his gift. I am sure of it."
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In the pristine halls coursing through the sleeping rooms of the Pleasure District, Emy was quietly making her way outside what had been her home, her whole life, while solely an entertainment for others. She was yet to realize the importance of her decision to flee her destiny.
But she never cared. For her, escaping forceful prostitution was worth it. No matter the price. She wasn't clueless either, She knew it meant to give up her privileges. She knew it meant to put herself in danger. To fight. Thankfully, she was ready for war.
Still unfamiliar with the outer city, marked by a lack of outer errands, she felt a quick overwhelming feeling overtaking her when she stepped outside. She never really had to, or where allowed to, stray outside her home. Similar to hers, tall and lean buildings were blooming here and there, furnishing the view in these polished open spaces. Even in the darkness, everything was so brightly white, almost shining through the shadows. Her heart almost imploded when she heard a voice piercing the dead silence, amplified by the fact it was a voice she recognized.
"Don't do this, Emy."
Her mother.
"You won't stop me. Not anymore."
"I have to."
Emy did not turn around. From the sound of her mother's voice, she knew she was crying. Seeing her cry could make her will waver. She couldn't afford that.
"Everything I ever did was to protect you. Protect your sisters. Your brothers."
"To protect yourself too."
"..."
"My mind is set. Nothing you can say will change that."
"So you're just gonna abandon us!? Let our sacrifices go to waste!?"
"..."
"You think I don't want anything better for my kids? For you?"
"I know you do. But you can't make that happen. So I will."
"EM-"
"Just go."
Tears immediately started running down her face when Emy heard that new voice and the words it spoke.
"It's ok, lil' sis. I'll take care of mom."
"Rose..."
"It's ok Em. Really. Don't feel bad for me. Or any of us. You're doing what we all wanted to do."
"Rose, stop! Why are you doing this!?"
"It's ok Mom. I know you're just worried for her. But it's ok. She'll be ok. After all, if someone can actually pull that crazy move it has to be our Emy haha!"
Her laugh wouldn't even be considered one. It was dry. Empty. Emy couldn't stop crying. She knew it would hurt. To leave. But she never thought it would hurt that much. She turned around to look at them. Knowing too well it might be the last time she sees them, but refusing to think about it.
"Rose, I-"
"Go. We're all rooting for you, Em."
Seeing her older sister, the one who took care of her, the one who had been keeping a smile even when she felt sick to her stomach. Seeing her now, crying, broke her. She couldn't stay here. It was time to go. Or else…
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She made it. After fighting through ugly cry hiccups and breathing spasms during the entire trip, she made it. Uneasy and dehydrated, Emy was standing before the door separating the Insider from the rest of society; the portal between her world and that of the Outsiders. Not looking back, she stood in front of the large door waiting for it to open. It did not move.
"What? Why is it not opening?"
Whispering her confusion to herself, she couldn't understand why the door was not opening. Instinctively, she pressed her palms against the cold metallic surface blocking her, trying to force open the path. To no avail; the door did not budge.
"Why? Don't tell me this door needs special authorization to access it? Damn it! I just never considered that. But I can't fail now. I can't go back now. Please! Just ope-"
The young girl almost fell over when the door opened.
"Well, well. What do we have here?"
Standing tall on the other side of the doorway, Doc was looking down on the runaway. She was motionless, as if the man's vision was movement-based.
"How strange. The door did not open at your sight; there must be something wrong with your bracelet then. Would you let me see it, little lady? It's not like you wouldn't have it on you."
"I- Eh… "
"Haha! I'm only messing with you, young girl. I know all about your fun escape."
"How di-"
"I see and hear everything. But, do not worry. I am not here to stop you. I'm only here to see if you truly know what you are doing. Living your life as a renegade won't be easy. You are betraying your kind and turning your back on your kin. And no matter how dangerous it gets on the other side of this door, no matter how scary, you won't be able to come back crying to your mother. You will not be permitted Inside ever again. Do you understand?"
"... Yes."
"Very well. You will be under my command now. You will train to be useful to me. You will become a full-fledged member of the Foundation. As far as privileges go, you are now an Outsider, and an Outsider only. However, you might find it hard to get sympathy from your new peers born of Outsider's blood. Or even any kind of respect. You will be despised by your former family as a traitor and hated by your new family as an exile. Nobody in the history of the Lab has ever left the Inner City to become a Soldier. That is how much your original life is valued. Are you really willing to trade that away for a life of suffering and survival?"
"Yes. But. Let's not tell them. That I'm an Insider, I mean. I don't think that would change anything. Right?"
Caught off guard at first, Doc was now amused.
"Interesting. Very well. I will respect your wish."
"Thank you."
One last time, she looked at her father's necklace. After a long reminiscing stare, she hid it away, while keeping it close to her.
"So then, what are we waiting for? Let's get started."