No, everything wasn't alright. At all.
I sighed, again. This time it was loud and heavy, brimming with irritation. I rolled my eyes, wishing the memory could shift quickly. But another part of me wanted to know what happened, so I could engrave it deep in my heart for meticulous reasons.
Okay, but that wasn't the point in this case. Who would have cared for details?
After all the crying, I was most annoyed at this moment. This sight in front of me. Actually weirdly, I had to witness such a scene, which was something I wouldn't have expected in the first place.
Jie Moshu was wrapping his arms around the girl, both wearing a similar light blue color tone of hanfu. His hand was on the back of hers, gently teaching her how to write using a brush. The place was tranquil inside of the delicate pavilion. What annoyed me was the perfect scenery, with those falling cherry blossom petals.
He gestured her hand to write her own name on a paper. It wasn't the girl that jolted, it was me.
Something in my mind was whole and present, otherwise, I wouldn't be walking in circles around that table. The longer I was there, it set every vein and nerve in my body aflame.
Shooting them a dirty look from behind them, I thought my brain might have been dysfunctional. I couldn't help myself biting my lips, crossing my arms, tapping my foot. Twitchy energy released through me. My face couldn't have looked more sullen if I had tried. Gods, I was probably trying.
Oh sure, I didn't bother to deny that I hated the scene, Jie Moshu, and the girl. After all, they were all loving, sweet in front of me who was currently a shadow. In times like this, I wished that I was a ghost with a deep vengeance so I could scare both of them away—Well, I tried to separate them by standing in their way which failed miserably. They easily walked through my body.
Somehow it was pretty tough. And it hadn't gotten any easier.
I took a deep breath to calm myself down. This was only a memory, a replay of 'my' past life. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe—ugh! It didn't work. My heart still thudded at an uncomfortable speed, filling my body with adrenaline. My face muscles tensed, I couldn't even catch my breath properly.
Hang on, my actions right now were conveying a hatred that ran almost as deep as jealousy. Was I suffering from it?
Hey, no. That was not possible… I barked an incredulous laugh on my own. It wasn't like they could hear it anyway.
In any case, I didn't have a reason to be anxious. Even to the point of being jealous of Jie Moshu. Ha! He was just a no-brainer opportunist who loved to seduce me when he had the chance. I even encouraged him to find another woman. My mouth probably worked on its own when I approved him to be my boyfriend. Nah, no, impossible that I was jealous of—
The window stood wide open, the white curtain billowing in a light breeze along with petals swirled past inside the pavilion. A petal unconsciously stuck on Jie Moshu's dark hair. And unconsciously, the girl happened to swivel her head around and notice that. Her fingers unconsciously trailer over his dark hair to get the petal when suddenly he held her arm. Whereupon I felt a sudden surge that I wanted to hit something.
Their eyes locked to one another while I was watching at their side an inch away as well. All these emotions roared up in my chest. Cold dread filled the pit of my stomach, and I frowned. My heart was still beating, but it seemed like it might burst free from my chest at the slightest provocation. I felt strange… almost terrified.
Terrified? Why was I scared of losing him? What was the matter with me?
Jie Moshu leaned closer, about to press his lips on hers. It was then a horrible thought, that terrible fear spurred me forward in between them.
Basically, it was Jie Moshu, me, and the girl in order. The fierce kiss happened with me as an invisible shadow barrier. But nothing stopped their lips from touching.
The harsh reality made me heaved a long sigh as I pulled myself away. What was I thinking?
I was trying to stop them. Trying to stop a memory from replaying a passionate kiss.
It even got worse when I saw the girl slowly closed her widened eyes in shock to actually lean into the feeling. Her arms snaked around Jie Moshu's neck, pulling his shoulder closer.
Argh! What the hell were you doing girl? Off your hands from his shoulder! Shoo! Shoo!
My hands were crawling to the air, in hope that they could stop what they were doing. Instead, I found myself in an awkward position like a woman doing a wacky cult ritual dancing movements.
Well, I'd seen him kissing the other two of me through fragments of images before. I couldn't really fault him for being interested in that girl. I mean, it didn't feel anything weird. All of them were me. Apart it hadn't been very pleasant as well, but—
It had taken me all of two seconds to realize that I didn't like him to be in the arms of another woman. Even if the girl was my past life. I was still unhappy about it. That sick feeling in my body spread through the rest of my body like acid eating away my insides.
Acid. Fear. That was it. Apparently, I noticed the reason why I was overreacted to Jie Moshu kissing someone else.
There was a league of difference between being disgusted by a stalker and denying your feelings hard enough of being attracted to a mere stranger. I had spent the half month resenting, pushing him away and less than twenty-four hours realizing my real emotions.
Now I understood why I was crying like a mad person when I saw him aching. Pain? Wanting? Whatever the feeling was, one certainty. I wasn't that dumb to realize what I felt just then. I was jealous.
All this time, he remembered. But so much had happened since we first met. I hadn't realized his suffering. And with all of that, I was cockily calling him "no-brainer opportunist", accusing him as a kind of crazy maniac. Hadn't realized that all this time, he had been remembering, keeping away all the pain to himself. Hadn't realized how he longed to reunite with me. Yes, a whole new person without remembering any of his sacrifice and pain.
I may have fallen for Jie Moshu and there was no way I was going to make him lose me again.
Jealous of him kissing the other girl who was none other than my past self. Hardly believe that I was already on this level.
Whether I hate to admit it—yes.
I might have actually fallen for him. Like in a very hard level way.
Just as I was about to ponder deeper about my own feelings, other memories flew through me, crashing inside my brain.
Not my confusion about my feelings about Jie Moshu, but now terror flooded my thoughts with such a paralyzing force. The vision snapped through me. A shock, white-hot, shot me like someone who had lit a match right before my eyes. I squeezed them shut.
For a second I lost the ability to move or breathe. All I felt was the girl's fear. Something very weird was happening inside my head. This didn't happen before. I had always been the third person viewing this entire memory, without feeling any pain or anything. But this time it was different.
I didn't know if it was the jealousy taking in tremendous effect or I was just feeling sick… but I was losing my grip of consciousness. It was as though the pavilion image was dimming. I was staring at both of them with a kind of tunnel vision, a realization, an epiphany.
Suddenly a wave of water cascaded to my head and at the same time my vision cleared. My whole body was already sore and bruised, my arms and shoulders ache from being held behind my back, her wrists chafe raw against the rough restraints. Unable to move anything except my eyes, judging from the dark ceilings, I was either kidnapped or imprisoned.
Well, both didn't sound pleasant. Those were problems. Issues, even.
My brain couldn't help much as I felt light-headed most of the time. I needed to add headaches to my list of discomforts, which included a sore back and empty stomach. I began to wonder what the hell I was doing here.
Was it that damned fairy fox? Or was I still a part of my past life memory just when I had finally experienced death myself?
My legs were asleep for so long, folded under me that I almost couldn't feel them. I was already crumpled.
I jerked my head up, my eyes becoming accustomed to a person's glare. That woman was dressed in black, her face was obscured in the darkness of her hooded cloak. My gaze traveled to her right hand. The burn scar across her skin wrinkled in a rough darker pigmentation, added the sinister aura.
The thought back on the wedding day when I was brought to the execution sent chills deep in my soul. The priestess had exactly the same spot where her right hand had burned from a phoenix's fire. I supposed it wasn't that easy to heal away.
I blinked. The village priestess? At first, I frantically shoving away the vision.
As I wanted to scream out, 'Who are you?', I found my voice couldn't even out. My ears weren't hearing things, but only one tone of empty ringing.
For God's sake, had I become one with the deaf-mute girl? The thought couldn't bring me any more dread. Okay, I was scaring myself here. I may have gotten into the girl's body, but this was a memory. I wouldn't die inside a memory… or would I?
No. Stop. I mean, I should get my mind thinking straight.
I tried to rationalize her appearance in this lifetime as well. I had so many questions in my head, but one was much more desperate than others: 'is she an immortal?'
That should explain her existence in both places. For her to ruin each of my past lives. It made me wonder if I became a crippled woman in a wheelchair and had a connection with her. I started to wonder if all these memories were a warning for her existence.
The priestess pulled out a gun, unloaded it all as she drew it again, leaving only one bullet inside. When she saw me staring, she grimaced and swung the gun, aiming at my head.
My eyes read her moving mouth: "Let's see if you can survive this time, shall we?"
Her spoken words settled to me racing chills up to my spine. I swallowed hard, all that came up to my mind was shit, shit, shit, and quadruple shits…
This was going to hurt.
Bang!