'I don't like the ocean.
When I open my mouth, the words escape me. When I open my mouth, I can't ever take them back.
I don't like the ocean, when they escape they remind me of twisted and shattered reflections of the creatures that swim the salty depths. Only I know they don't swim our seas. They retch and stir and twist among the hellstars in a perverse cosmic blackness that no one was ever meant to witness.
But when I opened my mouth, when they escaped me, when I could no longer take them back, I saw it. And then I saw worse.'
-
I awaken with a horrified gasp. I'm sweating. A lot. I ruined the pillow with my sweat just the same as I've ruined many others. Something is different about tonight, though. For the first time in my adult life, I'm not in my tower and I'm not alone in the dark. I'm staring at him, and past his ruggedly handsome face is Sammy... the three of us are cuddling in the middle of a big bed.
I can still feel him inside me. An odd sensation, but I don't dislike it. Sammy was right. The moment I tasted it I could confirm his semen is filled to the brim with potent magical energy... fascinating.
It's only now I realize that my body is still shaking from the nightmares. Maybe I should get my own bed. He's never going to want to sleep next to me when he finds out what I'm like during my worst dream terrors.
Maybe I'm being too negative. This could be my chance at happiness- that's why I left Imperalis, after all. Sammy's letter piqued my interest and I was worried about her. I answered the call to action and now I'm sharing a bed with a man who came inside me scant hours ago, wondering how long it will be until he throws me out in disgust.
It'll be a shame when he does. I really liked having sex with him.
I can't ever be happy. Not after I opened my mouth all those years ago. But it's not like I don't want to be.
I take deep breaths and reduce myself to nothing. From the whiteness of nothing forms a little lavender girl living in her own little world. She would probably make a very powerful mage, but this little girl doesn't go down that path. She does normal little girl things... like horses. And tea. She's best friends with a Princess, and there's a weird boy with glasses who hangs around too. Strange. He's never been here before.
The little girl grows up. She's normal. She has a happy, normal life doing happy, normal things and she never says the wrong thing. She shuts her mouth. She never lets the words escape their prison.
... And I'm back. I'm no longer shaking. I don't feel good, but I never do. I can't stay in this bed, I need to get up, but the absolute blackness of night scares me. It reminds me of the time that the little girl did open her mouth.
I probably should have told him about my fear of the dark before we went to bed, but I didn't have much choice in the matter. All I remember before sleep is being the most content I've ever been, and having been fucked silly.
I wordlessly summon a little glowing orb from the tip of my finger to light my way to the bathroom. It's a cantrip so it takes no mana, and has no incantation. Perfect for a broken girl like me who can't even speak properly.
Although I guess I said something out loud a few hours ago. I just remembered.
'I'm cumming.'
It took twenty seven years of endless suffering to find enough motivation just to try and work past the residual horrors of my childhood and 'I'm cumming' ended up being the first words to escape my sealed lips.
Even as I shuffle off scared to the nearby bathroom with my glowing finger lighting the way I can't help but find the humor in it. After that brief moment passes, though, I'm just as sad as I was before.
If it was so easy to speak all along then why couldn't I before? Why did I never try?
I shut the door behind me, turn on the arcane lighting of the room and rest my naked body down on the cold lid of the toilet. I'm still trembling. I don't expect it to stop for a few hours, but at least I don't have to be in the darkness.
I know why I never tried and I'm terrified of how easy it was for him to inspire me enough to make the effort. I didn't want to let him down.
I try and hold myself back but I can't help softly sobbing as soon as realization starts to sink in.
If he asks me to try again, I know I will.
If it keeps up I'm going to end up trying again... and again... and again. I may have only just met him, but as a mage I'm far from blind to his unnatural magic pull towards the fairer sex. I could resist that much if 'destiny' was all he had going for him, but it's not.
Sir is so much more than a mere magical pussy magnet.
He doesn't have an aura of unconditional attraction swirling around him, and I certainly made the decision to have sex with him of my own volition. No magical coercion or anything of that ilk. Whatever supernatural charm he may have only amplifies what's already there... or maybe that's a bad way to phrase it.
It's more like it inspires you to take a closer look at something you might normally write off. It makes you want to know him.
There's also a chance this is all in my head.
Maybe I'm just so lonely and desperate to be loved, or fucked, that my fragile mind is doing mental gymnastics to rationalize sleeping with a man I just met?
Evidence suggests the former, while my crippling self doubt suggests the latter.
If I were someone else... someone less damaged, I could probably fall in love with him. Maybe I will anyway and I'll ruin him forever.
All I know is I should never have left my tower.
Using another low level cantrip I summon the letter Sam sent me that started it all. It was just in the pocket of my dress the other room over, so it's no big deal.
Her letter came two days ago and right away I was absorbed by the beautiful dream. Sammy's optimism was infectious and I dared to hope maybe something would change if I followed her lead. So then I spent the day after getting things in order for my departure, and clearing things with Theo. He was supportive. While I didn't tell him I was leaving to be with Sammy I'm sure he knows.
Who else but Sammy would send -me- a letter?
Once more, I open the folded parchment and am greeted by Sammy's terrible penmanship. I want to see if it still makes me feel the same as when I first read it.