What a day today had turned out to be.
I had already missed first period... I spent it crying in a girls toilet stall. I can't miss the second period too. My grades are already bad enough. The most mark I get is from attendance, and if that flops too. There's nothing left for me. I might as well drop out.
Puffy red eyes stare back at me as I look in the mirror. I didn't think it was possible but I look even more tired than before. My whole face is red from crying. "Lord when will this torture end?"
"You know how to end all this Anna, you know what to do, deep down you do, just do it already, JUST DO IT!!!"
No... no no no
Please shut up...
I fall down to the ground of the bathroom stall holding my head. They won't just shut up, they won't leave me alone, they keep talking and telling me to do all these horrible things to myself. I'm going to crack soon. I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker. Almost as if my soul is surrendering. Is this what defeat feels like?
No!
I can't give up. My mother needs me...
Or does she?
She's the perfect woman, and all I've ever been is a burden to her, all I ever do is stress her, she already goes through so much stress... she doesn't need anymore from me. Maybe for once they're right. I should just kill myself and spare my mother the suffering.
Getting up from the floor I pick up my bag and wash my face. Time to head to English class.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Luckily for me classes went by fast. At first everyone was chatting and making little side remarks about what had happened in the halls with Jessica, which made me really uncomfortable, but by now it's all old news. Everyone's talking about pizza day in the cafeteria.
Usually I wouldn't get cafeteria food because I swear they're trying to poison me, it's all part of a big scheme I just know it. The lunch lady Samantha doesn't like me, so I just know she's trying to harm me. But today... I'm terribly hungry, and I didn't pack my own lunch from home, plus it's been a while since I've eaten properly and that pizza looks really good.
This is a big risk I'm taking but... I have to do it.
I stand in line and I get my slice of pizza with some orange juice and an apple. With my head down I walk to the very back of the big room to sit alone. While walking, I hear what they say about me. They're little whispers.
"That's Annalise Parker she's crazy"
" I heard she went looney one day and killed her father but they tried to cover up for her saying he died of cancer"
"Stay away from her she'll give you the crazy"
It's hard to differentiate sometimes if those voices are the ones in my head or from the people around me.
I must admit though the pizza tasted just as good as it looked.
Do you know something.... The worst type of loneliness is when you're in a place full of people and yet you're still all alone. It's kind of a mix of loneliness and rejection. They see you, they know you're there but they just don't want to be around you. That hurts different. And that's all I see when I look around this cafeteria. Everyone has their own friend group. They're eating and chatting together, having a nice time. But look at...
Is that a bee?
There's a bee on my lunch table!
I hate insects!!!
I feel something crawl up my leg... looking down I see a lot of bees crawling up my leg. I look at my hands and my whole body. I'M COVERED WITH BEES!!!!
Screaming I get up abruptly from my table
Get it off!!!
Get it off!!!!!!
Please someone help me!!!
Help me please.
They're stinging!!!
Everyone is looking at me, but no ones coming to help. Some are even laughing.
What's wrong with these people.
Please help!!!
I cry out to all of them
But no one stands up to help
By now I'm shaking and crying on the floor.
I can see the lunch lady Samantha rushing over to help me but I back away from her.
Get away from me!!!! This is all your fault. I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!!! You did this!!!!
"Darling I don't know what you're talking about, just calm down okay, calm down. She tries to calm me down but I know this is all a facade.
GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
I can feel the bees in my eyes, they're everywhere.
SOMEBODY GET THE NURSE NOW!!!!
Samantha barks orders at everyone to leave the cafeteria, and at first they don't move but eventually they get bored and leave.
I can feel myself getting light headed and my breathing is getting harder and harsher. It doesn't take long for me to realise that I'm having a panic attack. As I'm being plunged into a pit of darkness, I hear the school nurse say that it's going to be okay and that I'm just having an episode.
From there I have no idea what happened next cause I lost consciousness.
Lord have mercy on me.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Water
I need water
My throat is itchy... and my head hurts, I have a horrible headache.
It takes a while for me to open my eyes to but when I do I have regrets. The room... it's too bright.
"Hello dear, how are you feeling?"
Miss Blanche? Is that you? I ask while squinting my eyes.
Yes love, how are you? Miss Blanche asks.
Well I am a bit thirsty... she kindly hands me a glass of water which I gulp down greedily.
What happened to me miss? I don't think I really want to know but I have to.
Miss Blanche takes a sit near me in the bed and I just know she has bad news. I can tell from the solemn look on her face.
She takes a deep breath and begins to explain how I had an episode and hallucinated bees all over my body.
So all the while in the cafeteria I just imagined all those stuff?
I embarrassed myself publicly. I don't know what's wrong with me I've never done that in school before. They're going to make fun of me even more now.
By now, I'm full on crying.
Miss Blanche sits beside me on the bed and comforts me while I cry for the second time today.
Annalise I have a question to ask you, and you must promise to answer me sincerely. She moves her red hair out of her face and stares at me.
I already knew what she was going to ask... they were all going to find out sooner or later.
No miss... I haven't been on my meds for about 3 weeks now.
Anna!!! You can't do that to yourself. I know it isn't easy for you and I understand what you're going throu...
NO!!!
I don't let her finish what she's about to say!!!
No miss Blanche you do not understand anything!!! No one does!!! You have no idea what it feels like to be me. What it feels like to live with this stupid disorder, what it's like to be bullied every single day of your life, to have no friends, to be lonely, to be called a freak, a psychopath, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. SO DON'T YOU COME HERE F*CK**G ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW SH*T WHEN YOU DON'T!!
No one knows.
I can't take it anymore. I feel like the walls are closing in one me. Miss Blanche is staring at me shocked. I run out of the school clinic. This is too much for me.
Today has been too much. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
I can't even stay the rest of the day in school. I just leave. I can't be bothered about my grades anymore or anything. I'm just too tired for all that.
I literally run home and run to my room.
I get out of my clothes and lie on my bed.
I need... I need to rest...
Permanently...
There's only one way to find enteral peace.
I smile at the thought of "enteral peace"
Wow that sounds great...
I get up from my bed and go to my bathroom. With a smile on my face I lock the door of the bathroom. This is the happiest I've been in a while. Maybe it's because I know what's coming. I can't wait for this peace.
"Yes Annalise, do it, it's about time"
After filling the bath tub with water I step in gradually and relax. I let out a breath of air that I didn't even know I was holding. Slowly I sink down into the bottom of the tub and let the water consume me totally.
*bang bang*
Annalise listen to me baby. Get out now please. *bang bang*
Mother?
Why is she back home so early? Oh the school probably called her and told her to check on me.
Well it's too late now...
Bye bye mother
I do love you.
I feel the water entering my lungs and the air leaving my body. How badly I wanted to stand up but no. I wouldn't be weak. This has to be done for me.
The last thing I can remember is me smiling under the water.
Finally••• SERENITY
•••••••••••••••••
Hello there it's me, your author vividly dandelion...
Okay I would like to explain a few things you all might find quite confusing about this chapter.
In this chapter our protagonist "Annalise Parker" says that she she wouldn't normally eat cafeteria food because she believes the lunch lady is trying to poison her.
You might be a little bit confused and wondering what that has to do with anything. Well... Annalise suffers from schizoaffective disorder. Which is a mental health disorder.
One of the symptoms could be persecurtory delusions. This makes them to strongly believe people or groups, like the government, intend to harm them.
So Annalise believes that the lunch lady Samantha is trying to hurt her by poisoning her food.
I hope this has cleared up your doubts please do enjoy the rest of the book, more information will be shared as we go on to raise awareness.