Carttiongs,
July 9, 2016.
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HE pulled up to the garage five minutes ago but remained in a drunken daze as he slurred along to Patsy Cline's "Crazy " which was currently playing on the radio. During this time I was perched up against my window sill, communing with the universe so someone up there could hurry him off to dreamland. Much to my dismay, there was no such luck tonight as he finally decided to stagger his way out of the vehicle. My apprehension mounted with every unsteady step he took out of the rickety minivan belonging to my late mom. He looked up and I scurried away instantly, bringing my cold clammy hands together as I hoping against hope that he didn't catch me looking. He hated it whenever I did.
Perturbed and uncoordinated, I knocked off the few things on my bedside stool as I paced around my room still hoping for the miracle. Then, I heard the front door creak open and immediately slam shut with a loud bang.
"Alex!!" His voice reverberated around the partially ruined apartment we both shared. I moved towards my wall mirror and pulled up my blouse, examining the areas of my body a kind old nurse had checked out earlier this afternoon. Apparently, I had three broken ribs and a sprained ankle. I couldn't see much save for the deep reddish-brown colours that covered my pale skin around the chest region and the purple splotches on my right ankle. This was bad, but there was more to come.
I turned around, frantically looking for a place to hide. The wooden wardrobe which stood beside my bed seemed like a viable option but that would be the next place he'll check if I wasn't in the room. He always went there to steal any cash I made from shining shoes during the day and he already caught me in there before. My bed was the only other option. I laid flat on the floor and began to crawl under it, pushing aside big brown boxes which held some of my mom's old clothes so I could make some room for myself.
Halfway through, my door squeaked loudly on its hinges and went flying into the wall. I flinched and then smelled it- the permanent stench of cigar and alcohol that oozed out from him burned my nostrils and paralyzed me to a spot.
" Get out here!" he ordered bitterly and I really wanted to. I wanted to just push myself out from under the bed because if he did that for me then I'll have it much worse but I couldn't move. Fear crippled me, cutting off all the signals my brain sent for movement.
"Don't let me repeat myself." He warned and caused my heart to beat heavily against what was left of my rib cage. Then I felt his cold hands clamp down on my legs and I struggled in vain, filling the room with loud screeches from my diaphragm as he dragged me and the box I held onto, out from under the bed.
I felt that I was sure to go deaf with all the noise I was making until he struck me on the cheek, effectively shutting me up as the stinging pain shot rude signals to my brain. I was hit with a wave of dizzy spells and alarm bells went off in my ears.
" So you're disobeying me now?! " He asked, violently using my collars to rock me back and forth. "Huh? Let's correct that, shall we?"
He made a fist, brought it down to my left eye in a punch and I saw stars. It hurt so much that it made me wonder if mom felt this bad when she underwent the first and only chemo treatment her body didn't respond to.
"disobedient little weasel!" his hands balled again, but so did mine. I made the punch before he could and aimed for his crotch. He released my collars immediately, groaning as he fell to the ground grabbing himself. I landed against the bedpost but got up almost immediately and ran for the door.
" ALEX!!! " I ignored the call and ran. Surely if I faltered in my steps, he'll kill me and bury my body in the kitchen as he'd always threatened. I ran down the steps and up to the front door, pushing aside the feeble obstacle as I ran into the cold night. To nowhere in particular, just away from him.
*****
I had wandered far into an abandoned railway station before realizing that Marion; my stepfather, was no longer on my trail. It was a painful struggle to calm my laboured breathing while looking around for something and then nothing in particular. The sky had gotten cloudy with a chance of raining buckets and the weather was awfully cold. I crawled into a corner, thinking about my mother, Louise Grey. She'd been diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 37 and died thinking my life would be better off with Marion.
Marion on the other hand wasn't always like this. Or maybe he was and was just very good at hiding it. Once upon a time, he used to be a very respectable man who controlled the town's biggest supply of wood and paper. And although mom never wanted him to do the things he did for her, he still pursued her till she finally agreed to marry him when she had cancer. He lost all he owned to her ailment yet didn't mind since he was so sure she'll survive and be his reward. But when she didn't he hated her for it. He'd lost everything for a woman who felt nothing for him and finally lost her too. Mommy did it for me. She married him so I wouldn't be alone when she died. He knew this and made violence his way of punishing her for dying untimely.
"Retard." I whispered blithely and hot tears came down my face uncontrollably. " I love you mom, but this is all your fault. If only I knew a thing or two about my father, perhaps I won't have to endure all this."
"aww, isn't that just tidy?"
"argh!!" I screeched at the sudden intrusion, searching through the dark for its source.
"Somebody has daddy issues." My first thought was that Marion caught up with me but when strange men crept out from the dark, gilded by fine sheens of sweat and smelling of madness, I ran.
My second death race that night. I burst out of the rail station and was already in a poorly lit alleyway that led back to the apartment. Back to Marion-a very terrible idea but a much better option.
They were close. Very close behind me, laughing and making derogatory remarks about the way I ran. Apparently, my already swollen ankle made me run funny. I ignored the splitting pain and kept running, a little more resolute as the first building in the dusty streets we stayed at came into view. I was just about to start crying out for help when I was forced to the ground by a painful jab to my left side. I fell face-first into the dust and screamed, squirming in pain while nursing my newly acquired wound. Rough hands turned me over quickly and I was gagged. Another held down my legs, squeezing the injury in the process. I tried to kick free and they just squeezed down harder.
"I'm going in. " One of them announced. Now it was terror and revulsion I felt as I realized what was about to come upon me.
Another complained grudgingly. "No, I saw her first. " My stomach churned and burned and I tasted sickness on my tongue.
"Quit whining like a stupid brat Kevin, my brother goes in first." Another one said, already unbuckling his belt in anticipation for his turn. "Damn, she looks so eatable."
My blouse was suddenly ripped apart while my pleas and prayers remained smothered by the gag. Hands were on me, squeezing, stroking. And the mouth; hot and rough, closing hungrily over my defenceless skin.
Slick with sweat and evil, the body rubbed against mine, doing things I didn't want to believe could be done to me. I shut my eyes and prayed for death. Willing my mom to appear and whisk me off on a journey to the land of the dead.
1 MONTH LATER.
"Where's that food Alex? you're so useless!" Marion jammed his meaty fist against the table as I hurriedly flipped over pancakes.
"It's almost ready, Pa. "
" And how many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that?! Certainly, you're not just useless but equally foolish! I'm not your father! " His fist pounded again. "I can never beget a slut like you! You- you seduced those men, didn't you? All five of them. You swayed your tiny waist and showed some of your filthy flesh. Then, you shamelessly ran to the cops claiming you were sexually assaulted! That's what you did. Now you have me going back and forth with the police, giving statements and signing documents."
"I'm sorry."
"Oh shut up!" I served the food on a blue plastic plate and turned off the gas before placing it before him.
" Now sit down. " He picked up a fork. " You will listen while I tell you how useless you are. Is that understood?"
"Yes sir."
He took a bite and savoured it before looking back up angrily. A deep furrow appeared on his forehead and his jowls moved with the rhythm of his chewing and words. " This food tastes like ash!" His fist pounded once again and I flinched.
"I'm sorry." I rose quickly to my feet. " I'll prepare something else."
"Sit down!" He commanded, watching me sit before cutting another piece to chew. "You find making ordinary pancakes, so difficult?! I abhor you, you stupid child! Louise left me with you knowing full well that she was about to die soon. That bloody scam of a woman! psychotic bitc--"
He suddenly went silent and I stared in confusion. A fleeting second passed and he started gasping for air. He signalled for my help and I instinctively got up quickly, already halfway to his rescue when I stopped. My initial look of worry was replaced with a stoic expression as I slowly turned towards my chair and sat. Something changed within me as I watched as great discomfort caused his facial muscles to contort tightly. He rolled off the chair landing hard on the floor as he continued his struggles for air.
He writhed in pain, crawled at the wooden floors of our apartment and sobbed uncontrollably as he begged with his eyes for mercy. I sat silently and watched, waiting for the inevitable turn of events. As more time went by, his struggles became less visible and soon stopped completely. The room was eerily silent and his horror-filled eyes remained open as he gave in to the cold hands of death.
I got up, humming to Wallace Willi's "Swing low, sweet chariot" as I moved to check his neck for a pulse. I found none, went back to the chair and sat again. There was something different now. I could feel it. By his death, I'd been born again.