How many times have I repeated that scene in my head, changing the phrases, the looks and the meaning, but honestly I will never be able to change what really happened.
It was a summer afternoon, the whole school roared with excitement and exasperation at the knowledge that they would not have to come here for another three months. Thousands of hugs and kisses from the girls to others, some eager to get out of here quickly, who jumped for every minute that passed on the clock.
We, the teachers, waited quietly for the clock to strike twelve, while some students came to say goodbye to the most beloved teachers, or simply out of courtesy.
Most of my colleagues faked a false smile and joined the others saying goodbye to the girls, all like them, we waited for the time to go with our families and rest after many months doing exams, sending homework, supporting the character of a whole room with these girls.
Few came close to saying goodbye to me, some more courageous than others dared to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, like Eva for example. My colleagues as well as my students looked at me with fear and resentment, I must admit that throughout my years I have learned from the profession, thus enlarging my character, a strong and decisive one, making even my own friends fall. Throughout my life I have been difficult to conquer and please, so I have very few friends who really like me.
Let's go back to that afternoon, as a teacher I have a course in charge of me, which has been difficult for me to control, there are thirty girls in total, all with strong characters and without respect, but as always, when I enter the room a nervous silence spreads in the room. environment, a custom that all the courses I teach have learned to take.
All those eyes look at me full of anguish, with their mouths closed and sitting correctly waiting for the start of my class.
But not her.
You, my Eva, from my first day teaching them you did not pay me the slightest attention, your eyes wandered around the white room, observing the curtains with your head held high and with a hard expression, your face was always expressionless and frivolous, your posture always straight and arms on the table.
When I started to speak in general, you looked at me surprised, apparently you had not noticed my presence, looking away quickly, I started my class as always, a speech of how responsible they should be, that in my class before doing any action they should ask me, to which they all nodded rigorously, looking at each other with scared faces.
My eyes traveled directly to Eva when I finished speaking, you were concentrated looking at your hands, with your head parallel to mine, with a thinking expression and absolutely disinterested in what was happening around you.
I dictated that since it was the first day of class, I would let them talk to their classmates, a couple of free hours so they could get used to the school schedule.
They nodded happily knowing that I would not teach until the next day, I turned and sat at the teacher's table, pulling out my computer to make some arrangements that I had to conclude.
As the minutes passed, I kept raising my head and looking at the whole room, but Eva was my main objective, watching her cautiously, she sat almost among the last, so it was difficult for me to look at her discreetly
I decided to go through the list to find out your name, or some indication of which family you came from, the numbers passed and you did not raise your hand, I got scared thinking that your apparent lack of concentration towards the environment you would have skipped your name, but when you reached the Penultimate "Eva" you slowly raised your hand and said present, your voice was hoarse and hard, like a woman already fulfilled, it did not surprise me much, you lowered your head with the same reluctance as before and continued a talk with your partner, without looking at me again.
During the next three hours I fixed some things on my computer, I gave you a few fugitive glances, sometimes you talked with some girls, other times you moved away from everyone and looked everywhere in the room concentrated on your thoughts, I would give all my money to know what you thought, what was going through that calculating head that months later I met.
At the end of class time I formed everyone in the hall, and when the bell rang I allowed them to go down, Eva was one of the last, alone looking at the floor, with her arms crossed and a defiant expression, you passed by me, without noticing my presence , continuing the funereal march towards the patio.
After a few days and all used to the system, I taught what I liked the most, algebra.
Since I was little I always felt a great passion for this subject, most of my classmates in those years asked me for help in their math work to which I patiently explained how to do each exercise.
Let's go back to the present, the first months of class I spent analyzing Eva, she was always quiet and absent, but at the start of class, her eyes and brain looked at me and at the blackboard, always taking notes or questioning what I was doing. You did not understand, for example, when I explained something and you looked at me with an expression of not understanding, or raised your eyebrow, I delved deeper into the subject, explaining step by step, I directed a glance at you, to which Eva responded by writing in your notebook and waiting for the next explanation.
Every time I met Eva at recess, I saw her together with girls from other classes, never someone your own age, always with your air of greatness and delicacy, you never spoke, always quiet and thinking, when I saw one of Your companions talking to you, your face contracted, you put your face heavier and you endured their annoying presence without fear, grasping to notice to the other the displeasure that it was for you to be with them.
I always gave you questioning glances, but few times I could enjoy seeing your eyes on me, sometimes I surprised you looking at me during an exam, most of the girls who were in the room gave me silent and scared glances, when they met With my eyes they lowered their heads and did not raise it again until the exam was finished, but you did not flinch, and you continued with your gaze on me, it made me nervous to feel your eyes looking directly at me, with all your attention on me, So I would stop from where I was sitting and walk around the room, trying to calm my breathing and my beating heart.
But let's go back to the present, when I looked at my watch I saw that there were exactly five minutes until all the students left, I was just looking for you everywhere, hoping to see you for the last time, give you a smile or wink, I did not see you at all I began to despair, knowing that in three long months I would not see you again filled me with anguish and despair, I gave a couple of laps for the students, I went through your course and you were not, tired I returned to my previous position, resigned to not seeing you more
But suddenly, in the distance, I saw your figure, you walked hurriedly, distanced from the goodbyes of the others, you were looking for someone, every few meters you raised your gaze and looked everywhere, until your eyes met mine.
You recognized me immediately, your surprised face quickly disappeared, you relaxed your walk and slowly you came closer to me, without taking your eyes off me, as you always did.
My heart raced quickly, your dark brown hair was loose, a little messy perched on your shoulders and back, you were wearing your school uniform, a little tight to your big waist, you had the body of a woman, huge breasts that never you were hiding, a nice butt that would delight anyone, including myself, clear eyes and smooth, well-groomed skin.
At this point, I had to change my position, since I did not stop looking at you, I looked away until I felt your strong smell of cream near me, I immediately looked at you, your eyes were shining brightly and your challenging position was just a few inches from me.
For the first time you smiled at me, my heart stopped, I must admit that I wanted to take you in my arms and kiss you right there, but I contained all my strength and I smiled back, you looked really beautiful smiling, few times I could see you smile in this way, really happy, but in your eyes I could see fear, fear of what? I don't even know it myself.
At this point, I had to change my position, since I did not stop looking at you, I looked away until I felt your strong smell of cream near me, I immediately looked at you, your eyes were shining brightly and your challenging position was just a few inches from me.
For the first time you smiled at me, my heart stopped, I must admit that I wanted to take you in my arms and kiss you right there, but I contained all my strength and I smiled back, you looked really beautiful smiling, few times I could see you smile in this way, really happy, but in your eyes I could see fear, fear of what? I don't even know it myself.
-Have a happy vacation teacher- he said with his deep voice but this time softened, you closed the few centimeters that we were missing and hugged me, feeling your skin next to mine, made thousands of butterflies in my stomach flutter from side to side. another, my breath caught, then you raised your gaze to my face and gave me a soft kiss on my cheek, practically almost touching the end of my lip.
I was totally paralyzed, feeling your body in my arms made me feel a desire that rarely lasts in me, I wanted to take you to my office and undress you, then kiss every part of your body and finally make you mine. But the reality came to my head and dedicating a few words of encouragement to you and having a nice vacation, you smiled at me for the last time and you walked slowly, the bell had rung for a while, but you went straight to the bathrooms and did not leave there until ten minutes later, you looked at me from the other end of the patio, I was still in the same position you left me in, we looked at each other for a long time until you turned your body towards the exit, that was the last I could see of you, walking out, away from my presence, away from my soul.