The drive home went by in a blur, I wasn't sure how I made it home. It was only when I pulled the keys from the ignition that I realized I was safely in the parking garage of my building. By the time I crossed the threshold of the apartment I shared with Sly, my body was in a constant state of the shakes. The keys that sat connected by a flamingo keychain knocked against each other, in response to my shaking fingers. There was a plethora of emotions that were rushing through me.
He was so close!
For a second – or ten – there I almost found myself trusting him.
Almost.
I couldn't let that happen, my life wasn't my own. I had people depending on me. I wouldn't let that happen, I wouldn't bring myself to believe what he was saying. Nathan couldn't protect me from my past. He had no idea what I was running from and no offence to him but, even if he knew, I highly doubt he'd be able to help.
He was so close...
So fucking close.
Throwing my keys in the bowl by the door, the tiredness of the day caught up to me. Today must've been one of the most emotionally exhausting days; I've had since moving to the States. I walked the length of the large three-bedroom apartment to my sanctuary. My room – and the kitchen – had to be by far my most treasured spaces.
An aesthetically pleasing mustard yellow, coated three of the four walls. The fourth wall was painted a chalkboard black that had dancing quotes and affirmations written all over, in multicolored, rainbow-esque chalk. My medium sized bed, sat smack in the middle of the spacious room, adorned with a white duvet cover and matching pillows. Two dark bedside tables sat on either side of the bed, each housing a plain white lamp. Sprawled across the bottom half of the bed, under a MacBook laptop laid a navy blue throw-over blanket that matched the carpet that partially covered the white and black tiles. Three beautifully photographed, black-framed photos – of me dancing – covered the far wall. Just below the elegant frames, a glass desk lounged, with random stationary covering the giant calendar that took up most of the table. In the corner, next to the only window in my room sat a collection of pillows paired with a small coffee table that housed an incense tower and a stack of books I had yet to read.
Once I entered the calming aura of my room, I removed the grey shirt I was wearing only to ball it up and shoot it into a grey clothing hamper. As soon as the grey shirt smoothly landed on top of the other dirty clothes, I could just hear Nate and Logan praising me for making such an NBA worthy goal.
Wait; is it a goal or a basket?
Clearly I don't know sports…sue me.
Deciding not to think of all the crazy things that would've been said due to my momentary athletic ability, I continued to undress, removing my shoes. Once I was only clad in my leotard and dancing shorts, I pulled the laptop closer to my person and signed in, going straight for the ITunes application. As I waited for the app to open, I shimmied into the bathroom that was connected to my room and made a beeline for the shower. With the water adjusted to a steaming temperature, I returned to my room for the laptop, placing it on the counter. Once my shower playlist started, I stripped out of my leotard, dance shorts and socks and stepped into the shower. The hot water instantly relaxed my body. The tension that seeped into my shoulder and back muscles fought to keep my body stiff. However, it was no match for the magical unknotting effect the water seemed to possess over my muscles. After my shower, I slipped on a pair of black sweatpants and a white loose tank top. Tying my wet hair in to a messy bun, I walked over to the main area of the apartment.
The apartment Sly and I shared was cute. From the door and foyer you could see most of the living space, except for the bedrooms. The colors of olive green, cream and dark brown danced throughout the room��s décor. A few feet from the front door, pressed against the cream wall was a plain table with a wooden bowl for keys and mail. White and black tiles trailed a path from the foyer into the lounge. The lounge was an olive colored open space that was separated from the kitchen by a pair of glass French doors. Directly opposite the kitchen doors was a wall that broke off into a decently sized fireplace with a flat screen television mounted just above. In the space between the aforementioned fireplace and kitchen sat a dark brown; three-piece couch set, a square shaped wooden coffee table and a black carpet. My stomach growled and I instantly regretted not having dinner with Sly and them.
Sike! Bitch, what?
The moment that thought came into my mind I banished it completely.
Of course I don't regret it. I mean if we look at the scoreboard it'll clearly show how much disrespect I took today.
First, Sly didn't pitch to rehearsals on time and when he did, he came with the audacity. Second, Nathan's girlfriend was rude as fuck. There's nothing more to be said about that. Third, they came at me like it was some sort of intervention. Typically when you didn't want to be friends with someone, it was your choice and nobody could challenge that.
But me?
I was being forced to into a friendship I didn't want to be in. They were basically kidnapping me.
Holding me hostage in a cell of forced friendship. It was like being stuck at the Mickey Mouse Club house and all they kept repeating was that infuriating "Hot Dog" song.
I really needed to stop thinking about the events of today.
Checking the fridge for something to eat had me calling a nearby Chinese restaurant for some take out. The fridge was empty, except for some yogurt, a packet of string cheese, salad fixings and breakfast foods. While waiting for my food I decided to watch Center Stage: Turn it up, to get more inspiration for my up coming performance. I connected my laptop to the television and set up my spot on the couch, propping two throw pillows behind me.
After twenty-five treacherously long minutes my food finally arrived. I was so pleased and hungry that I tipped the delivery guy handsomely.
Finally I could relax.
It must've been forty minutes into the movie when I heard a pair of keys jiggle and the front door swing open. I heard Sly's voice and muffled sounds in the background, but paid no mind to it. Sly was getting the silent treatment after the stunt he pulled, so I didn't really care about whatever was going on.
"Take it easy guys, we don't want to scare her away." Sly voice held a level of authority to it and in that moment I knew he wasn't alone. The hairs on the back of my neck stood as I waited for Sly and co to enter the lounge area. From my spot on the couch I had my back facing the end of the foyer. My eyes fixed on the scene in front of me as the tension built at the echo of their footsteps. The two main dancers were in the middle of choreography and it had some pretty cool moves – I saw one that I particularly liked and shelved it in the back of my mind.
"Riley." Nathan whispered my name.
He had never said my name this way before; his tone had a sharp edge to it. I released a shiver in response to the throatiness of his voice, emotions I didn't know the names of swirled throughout my body.
I don't even think I could explain it. I didn't want to explain.
Without turning to face Sly and Nathan, I knew that Logan was probably with them and maybe little Miss. Bitch face but I didn't want to be right and look, so I just grabbed the remote and turned up the volume.
"Seriously Riley?" Sly grumbled from behind me.
There was a pregnant silence before I heard footsteps make their way around the couch until they were in my line of sight. Sucking in a breath, I prepared myself for what was about to happen. Nathan, Sly and Logan stood in front of me, blocking my view of the television, with their arms folded across their chests. Well, I guess Miss. Bitchy Bitch Face was put on time out. I'm not going to lie; Robin's lack of presence didn't go unnoticed. Logan had a stern look on his face. It was like he was fed up with me for not letting him be my friend.
Honestly, I still didn't care, I told them from the very beginning that I didn't need friends and didn't want them as friends. He was forcing himself in my life and I didn't need that sort of distraction. Logan's muscles bulged from his dark, short sleeve and I couldn't help but marvel at the sun kissed tattooed perfection standing in front of me.
What? I was upset not blind.
Sly on the other hand had an unimpressed expression on his face. I was used to it by now, he had the same look, every time he thought I was being difficult. Whether it was when I complained about being too tired to dance or not being able to choose a place to eat whenever we went out. The reason why really he was so concerned with whom I made friends with or decided not to be friends with was still a mystery to me.
Nathan's expression was strikingly different from his two counterparts. While Logan and Sly looked perplexed, his molten eyes exposed worry.
Why? I had no idea but it irritated me.
I was a grown ass woman and I knew how to take care of myself, I didn't need Nathanial Park to worry about me or try and get me to open up for him. I didn't need him in my life and it frustrated me that he and his friend Logan didn't see that.
Ugh!!!
"Can you guys move, I'm watching?" I announced, keeping my tone bored and void of any emotion.
"Riley we're trying to he-"
Nathan started to say but I cut him off "clearly there aren't any sharp tools in your tool shed." I stand "what part of, I don't want or need your help do you not understand?"
"Riley, just give them a chance." Sly added, the cadence in his tone – annoyed.
My head whipped over to him so fast, I think I might have gotten whiplash. "You" I pointed a manicured finger towards him "above everyone, know exactly why and where I'm coming from with this." In an attempt to control myself, I let out a huff of air "if you don't get out of the way, I will leave." I muttered, bitterly through clenched teeth.
"What happened to you that's made you like this?" Logan asked out of turn. Offended, my eyes go wild and I nearly snarled at the stupidity of his question.
"What did I say Logan?" Sly intervenes "take it easy!" he knew exactly why I was the way I was. Even though I said, I'd never divulge what happened in my past. I will say; the trauma I was exposed to wasn't one that came without lasting effects. It took me years to get to where I was and I'll be damned if I had to revisit those horrid nightmares just because Logan couldn't take a hint.
"We just want to know; so we can help." Nathan jumped in, in defense of his friend.
"Well so unfortunately for you, that is not going to happen." I clarified for what felt like the umpteenth time "if you two buffoons don't leave this apartment, I will force you out myself." I threatened.
Logan looked completely un-phased; in fact he sat down in the spot right next to mine. When no one made a move to speak, I also took my seat. Feeling heat roll off of Logan's body, I tried to suppress a shiver but failed which resulted in a glare sent barreling in his direction. After carefully watching the exchange between Logan and I, Nathan narrowed his eyes by a fraction then took his place on one of the one-sitter couches and kept his gaze on the screen.
Sly was the only one still standing; he muttered something I didn't catch as he joined Logan and I on the big couch. Once the boys were settled, I threw one last glare at all three of them but made no move to watch the movie. Ignoring my penetrating stare, the boys continued to keep their focus on the screen. My irritation almost forced me to a standing position but Logan kept me in my place. The rest of my night was spent watching dance movies in silence...Well, I was silent but the boys kept making rude comments about the male lead dancers.
Just shy of twenty minutes into the second movie Logan and Sly fell asleep. Nathan, however, was still wide-awake, not a yawn in sight. Even though Sly and Logan sat in the space that separated us, I could still feel Nathan's occasional stare, as if he was sitting right next to me.
At one point Nathan kept receiving texts and a part of me craved to know who was texting him so late. The occasional smile that lit his features had me clenching my fists but then his smile would fade just as fast as it came. I almost asked if he was okay but I bit my tongue.
After the second movie ended it was a few minutes past midnight and I needed to be up early in the morning. My performance was in a few days and I needed to be ready.
Pulling my feet out from under Logan – a position that I ended up in because of Logan's paranoia – I pushed off of the couch and cleaned the table of my leftovers.
"Where you going?" Nathan questioned, placing his phone – face down – on his thigh.
"To bed." I responded curtly, eyeing his device.
"Why so early?"
"It's midnight, I have rehearsals in the morning." I tell him like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"I was thinking that, maybe later today we could go and grab lunch. You know, just you and me?" avoiding my eyes, Nathan turned to look at he's sleeping buddies for a moment then turned to look back at me.
"Thanks but no thanks." I mumbled and left him to go to the kitchen. I threw away my take away boxes and put the food I didn't finish in the fridge.
"Why do you keep doing that?" Nathan voice followed, telling me he was standing behind me. With my back facing him and the fridge open, I couldn't bring myself to face him.
"Riley" he whispered, "look at me." I heard his careful steps before feeling his hot breath on the nape of my neck.
"Nathan, please leave me alone." I sighed heavily, my fighting spirit dissipating. I closed the fridge and turned to face him, not bothering to hide the tiredness from my face. This was getting out of hand. I was tired of trying to make him understand what I wanted. He wasn't letting this go and the longer it seemed to go on for, the more emotionally drained I became.
"Why do you keep doing that? Huh? Why do you keep pushing me away?" Nathan seemed to match my tiredness, also not bothering to mask his true emotions. Anger and frustration was evident in the cadence of his voice.
"Why can't you take a hint?" My arms flew up in my own frustration "Huh? Why do you keep forcing yourself in my life?" I answered his question with a question. Silence soon followed, both of our chests slightly heaving and I just wanted to crawl under the bed covers and sleep. Nathan was mentally, emotionally and physically draining.
"Because I care about you." More silence followed, mostly, because I had no idea how to respond. As soon as the words left his mouth, a look of realization hit him and his expression turned panicked. "Say something, please." Nathan begged.
"You don't even know me." I finally replied, avoiding eye contact.
"I want to." He countered, taking a step closer to me.
"You shouldn't." I placed a firm hand on his chest, to stop his approach.
"I have to."
"Why?" I asked, my curiosity spiking. I knew I shouldn't even be going down this road but I couldn't help how compelling Nathan was.
"Honestly?" he questioned in a quiet voice that forced me to look up at him. His eyes �� peering, intensely back at me – were a light shade of brown and dilated.
Not trusting my voice, I nodded.
"There's" Nathan started slowly "something" he took a step closer, making the space between us smaller. My arm immediately flexed trying to keep us at a safe distance but Nathan was clearly stronger than me. He placed his herculean, veiny hand over mine; inciting a riot of fire where our skin touched "about you, that has me gripped."
"You have a girlfriend," I reminded him.
"I know" he sighed, running his hand the length of my arm, electricity trailing behind where he touched.
"She wouldn't appreciate this…" my sentence trailed off once Nathan's hand made contact with the base of my neck. His fingers curled, resting at the nape while his thumb rubbed soothingly along my jaw. My head leaned into his touch, letting the fire and electricity that was created by our proximity; lull me into closing my eyes. I was too tired to fight Nathan. His woodsy scent engulfed my nose and I was wrapped up in a bubble of him. From his calming hands and comforting smell, paired with my exhaustion, I had no chance in fighting him off.
I hated how; even though I kept pushing Nathan away, I lowkey wanted him to come back. I couldn't ignore the sensation of his touch anymore.
"I know." His voice brought me out of my trance. I forced my eyes open and I hazily looked at him for more than "I know." Nathan smiled sadly at me "I wish things were different. If you weren't running…if I didn't have a girlfriend..." he let both sentences hang heavy with the empty promises of 'what if'
"Look, I can't explain it right now, but I just" he paused struggling to find the right words to say. "I just" cupping my face in both his hands "I need you in my life. Is that okay with you?" he mused the last part, to ease the tension that filled the kitchen.
The honesty in his eyes took me for a loop and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed – not only by how close we were – but also by his confession.
"Trust me, you don't want to be anywhere near me." I spat in a rage that blindsided me. I had no idea where it came from – I was frustrated, angry, sad and tired. Using all the strength I could muster, I attempted to walk away from him and the conversation but Nathan caught my arm. My eyes burned wholes at his hand wrapped snuggly around my arm.
"I'm not going to hurt you." He said in a voice so small, I hardly recognized it was his.
"Yeah?" I met his gaze "and what if you already have?" leaving him contemplating my words, I tugged my arm from his grasp and made a beeline for my room. After shutting the door and locking it, I dove face first into the mattress.
Why did I have to say that? Now he's going to think I like him – which I don't!
Okay, that didn't even convince me.
I don't know how I feel. Stop judging me.
Morning came quicker than I would've liked. I was still lying with my face in my pillow when my second alarm rang. Reaching over to the bedside table, I collected my phone to stop the alarm music. The time read 09:45am. Removing the covers, I slid out of bed and reread the time. I woke up later than usual today. The exhaustion was still evident in my strides as I quickly opened water to shower.
Once I was done, I put on a clean leotard and a pair of dance shorts. Over it I wore a long white oversized sweater with grey over the knee boots. As I gathered my things in haste, my phone made a sound, signaling that I received a text. Opening the text, I don't recognize the number. It was a text from my older brother Levi.
Unknown: Its almost time. See you soon.
Knowing what that meant, I couldn't help the surge of happiness that flowed throughout me at the thought of that text from Levi – probably sent from a burner phone.
I had to show Sly.
By the time I left my room, with my dance stuff the time read 11:39am. At this point, I'm in such a good mood that I didn't care that I should've been in the studio hours before. I heard pots banging and plates clashing, so I quietly slowed my steps before entering the kitchen. Tiptoeing proved to be difficult with the heels I was wearing.
The moment I walked into the kitchen, I saw Sly placing two slices of bread into the toaster, Nathan in an apron, standing over the stove, manning two frying pans filled with eggs and bacon and Taylor pouring orange juice into four glasses. All four boys are awake and freshly dressed.
"Ahh, sleeping beauty is finally awake and looking rather amazing this morning." Logan complimented me, which caused both Sly and Nathan to look at my outfit of choice.
A light blush made its way to my cheeks "Thank you, Logan. You don't look so bad yourself." All three guys seem to be taken back by the compliment that was produced because of my good mood. Sly cocked his eyebrow in a questioning manner. Nathan just stared at my long legs with no shame, while Logan smiled brightly back at me.
"So breakfast?" I asked, removing the spotlight off of me.
"Oh yeah!" suddenly everyone remembered what they were doing before I came out of my room. On occasion I caught Nathan stare at me for long intervals of time before flipping the eggs in the pan. It made me feel weird and uncomfortably excited but I pretended to not notice. Eventually, breakfast was served and we all sat down and ate. Sly sat next to me and while everyone was focusing on their food, I secretly showed him the text I got from Levi.
When Sly saw it, he almost choked on his food. I smiled brightly on the inside but contained my expression on the outside. Sylvester and I shared a knowing look. Things were actually going to be all right, everything was going to be okay. Before I could delete the text so it could be traced Nathan reached over and took my phone. Gasping, I tried to get it back from him but he stood out of reach and read the message out loud for Logan to hear.
"What's going on?" he asked Sly and I. "Who sent this text? What does it mean?"
"Please delete the text," I begged.
"No. Tell us what's going on."
"Sly its almost been fifteen minutes." I tell him and his eyes widen like saucers. Quickly pushing off of his seat Sly makes his way to Nathan but Logan steps in front of him.
"Sly tell us what's going on. Please we just want to help."
Panic slowly took over my body. My fingers began to tremble and the pain in my chest was making it hard to breathe.
I couldn't breathe; I was having a panic attack.
"Please delete the fucking text!" I heard Sly yell but it sounded like he's far, far away.
"Please." He begged.
"Riley, are you okay?" I heard another voice but I couldn't make out who it was.
"I'll tell you what's going on but please delete the blood text!" that's the last thing I heard before I hit my head on something hard and passed out.