I was running. Running through the woods. I needed to get away. I couldn't take it anymore. The yelling, the hitting, the touching.
Mama wouldn't protect me anymore.
I could hear him behind me. He was catching up. I turned to look and saw him. He was close. I screamed and turned my eyes forward. Before I could stop myself I ran into a tree branch. I was on the ground. My head hurt. I tasted blood. Then he was there, standing over me. His dark eyes inflamed with rage.
"You little shit," he grabbed my hair and dragged me back to the house. "You think you can run away from me?"
I could feel myself kicking. The ground was cutting my feet. I tried to scream, to beg him to let me go, but no sound came out.
I started to cry. My cries echoed through the woods around me, but it didn't sound like me. It sounded like a baby. My baby. Where was my baby?
I shot up in a panic. It was dark. I was covered in sweat. My body was stiff. My eyes stung where the sweat trickled into them. I blinked to clear them and wiped the sweat away. I frantically looked around me until I spotted my baby. My boy. He was there, safe, and he was crying.
"Sweet boy, please don't cry," I cooed as I reached for him. "Mama's here. Mama will keep you safe."
As I picked him up I felt the rags he was wrapped in. He had soiled himself. "Shh, I will take care of you." I unwrapped him and used the dry part of the rag to wipe away the goo. It had changed from thick and black to runny and yellow. Was that normal?
"Is everything okay," a voice said in the dark.
I startled and looked around, then I remembered my saviors. Beck and Jess. I let out the breath I was holding.
"Yes, he just pooped. And I think he's hungry."
Beck reached up behind me, and before I could register what was happening, I flinching away from his arm.
"Sorry, I'm sorry," he said groggily. "I'm just turning on the light." He flicked the light switch on the wall above the pillow and got up. "Here, give me his, uh, blanket."
I wrapped it up to contain the mess and handed it to him. "We need to get some diapers," he said as I lifted my baby to my chest.
He enthusiastically engulfed my nipple and began to make little squeaking noises as he suckled. It was then I realized that I was still naked. I must have passed out while Beck was cleaning my feet.
With one hand I reached down to feel them. They were still tender, but they didn't hurt nearly as much as they had with the glass in them. He had neatly wrapped them up, too. My eyes stung with tears as I realized how fortunate I was to meet such kind people.
"Here, I've got an idea," it was Jess this time. She got out of her bed and stepped over Beck's pile of blankets on the floor. I suddenly felt guilty that I had taken his bed. I didn't deserve to sleep in the bed while he was on the floor.
Jess grabbed a t-shirt out of a drawer and kneeled on the floor next to me. She gestured to my son, "May I?"
Reluctantly, I pulled him from my breast and placed him on the bed. He began to wale.
"Please hurry," I said anxiously as Jess lifted his legs and slid the collar of the shirt up the middle of his back. She folded the bottom of the shirt up over his penis and tied each bottom corner to the corresponding sleeve.
"All done," she said as she handed him back to me.
I picked up my baby and brought him back to my chest. This time he dug his fingers into the flesh of my breast, as if to secure it so it wouldn't leave his mouth again.
Beck looked uncomfortable for a moment, reaching his hand up to rub the back of his neck. "Thanks, Jess."
She plopped back on her bed and crawled under the covers. "No problem," she forced the words out around a yawn.
Beck looked back at me. "Do you need anything?"
I shook my head. I was hungry, but I was more tired.
"Okay," he reached for the light switch again. "We've got two hours 'til sunrise and then Jess and I have got some work to do."
In the dark I watched his bulky form wedge itself between the two beds and settle on the floor. Guilt stabbed me again.
I waited until my baby was soundly sleeping and then laid him back down beside me. I covered us with the blanket and let myself fall over the brink of darkness into a sound sleep.
***
I woke to a delicious smell. I didn't know what it was, but it made my stomach twist and moan. I opened my eyes to see Beck standing in the kitchen.
He was turned away so that I could see his side profile. The sun was shining onto his back through a small window near the ceiling. In a white t-shirt and jeans, he looked like he could have been in movies. Tall, muscular, handsome. His hair was short and rose gold. He had a long face with a square jaw that was covered in stubble the same shade as his hair. His nose looked like half of a perfect triangle sticking proudly out of his face over a set of lips that were slightly puckered as he focused on his task.
I moved to sit up and groaned. My body was sore. The sound drew Beck's attention and he turned to look at me. With the sunlight shining on his face he looked like a god. His eyes were evenly spaced pools of seafoam green, perfectly framed by slightly arched eyebrows and prominent cheekbones.
The sight of him stirred something inside me. It had been so long since I'd seen a man other than...him.
"Good morning," he said with a wide smile that revealed a set of teeth that looked slightly yellowed, as if he drank a lot of coffee. "Are you hungry?"
"Yes," my voice sounded small and pitiful, even to my own ears. I needed water. I looked over at my baby. Still sleeping. I thought the rocking of the boat might be soothing to him. It was to me. I looked back at Beck. "Water?" I cleared my throat and added "please?"
"Of course," he grabbed a bottle off the counter and brought it to me. I took a few long sips. The moisture made my mouth and throat feel better.
"Jess got some clothes out for you," he gestured to the foot of the bed where a pair of jean shorts and a green t-shirt were laying. "How are you feeling?"
Looking into his eyes, I scrutinized him. They were so genuine. Safe. They made me believe I could trust him. After all, look at what he'd done for me. For us. "My body hurts," I admitted.
"I bet," he said. "You're pretty banged up." He thought for a moment. "I'll dish you up some breakfast."
He turned back to the stove and stirred something in the pan before looking back at me, his eyes searching mine. I suddenly felt self conscious. My cheeks burned as I looked down at the blanket still covering my naked body.
"Then I really need you to answer some questions for me. Jess and I are risking a lot by keeping you here, and we need to know a little bit more about what we're dealing with." He began to reach his hand out toward me, but seemed to change his mind and let it fall back to his side.
"Can you do that for me, please?"
All I had really registered was "breakfast." My stomach was angrily protesting being empty. I nodded my head and reached for the clothes at the foot of the bed. A pair of underwear fell out of the shorts. I hadn't worn underwear since I was a little girl. Before he had taken an interest in me.
When Beck turned back toward the kitchen I quickly pulled the clothes on and sat back down on the bed next to my baby. The shorts were large, and the shirt was baggy on me. They didn't fit me like Jess' clothes fit her.
Beck brought me a plate covered in scrambled eggs and some sort of pink thing that had been fried.
"Spam and eggs," he said with a flash of a smile. "Breakfast of champions."
I didn't know what "spam" was, but I ate it anyway. It felt so good to have hot food in my mouth. I ate it all in just a few bites. Becks eyes grew wider with each of my tactless mouthfuls, but I didn't care. This was the first time in years that I had tasted a meal, and it was amazing.
"Woah there," he laughed. "I have more if you're still hungry."
"Yes," I spoke around a mouthful of eggs. "Please," I said after I swallowing. Beck took my plate back to the kitchen to dish up some more.
"Beck," I cleared my throat. I didn't know exactly how to word what I wanted to say, but his name on my lips made me feel flustered.
He stopped shoveling food onto the plate and turned to look at me. "Yeah?"
I took a deep breath and looked into his piercing seafoam eyes. "Thank you," I practically had to force the words out. "For being so kind to us."
He looked at my baby and then back at me. "You're welcome." He finished scooping the eggs and brought them to me. "Can I sit on the bed with you?"
My first instinct was to say no, but, this was his bed, after all, so I nodded my head as I shoveled more eggs in my mouth.
He watched me eat for a moment, his eyes lingering on my lips, eyebrows furrowed, deep in thought. When he spoke his voice was soft, and almost sad.
"When was the last time you ate?"
Another pang of guilt washed over me as I thought back to the night before. "Last night. In your store," I admitted. I dropped my head, afraid of his response. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to steal from you."
I expected anger, but instead he chuckled and placed his hand on my knee. "Hey, don't worry about it. I'm glad you ate something, although the food in there isn't very good." His expression changed to one of concern.
"What about before that?"
I had to think back. The last several days had been a blur of pain and fear.
"The morning I ran away," I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate. "Four days ago, I think. When my belly started cramping." I looked back at my baby with tears stinging my eyes. "I couldn't let him come into the world in that place."
I could feel Beck's eyes on me. I knew he wanted to know where I came from. He deserved to know, but I was still scared. I think he sensed that.
"Is there anything you are willing to tell me?"
I looked up into his eyes as I felt the tears fall from mine.
"You can trust me, Cara. I promise." His face seemed to reflect the pain I was feeling, and though I couldn't understand why, I believed him. "I'll help you in any way that I can."
I couldn't deny that I needed help, but I wasn't ready to tell him everything.
"Okay," I took a deep breath. "What do you need to know?"
The cabin door swung open and I felt my heart jump into my throat. Acting on instinct, I grabbed the baby and turned to shield him from whoever was coming in. The motion disturbed him and he opened his eyes, squawking angrily. I pushed his face into the crook of my shoulder and screwed my eyes shut, too afraid to face what was about to happen.
"Hey, it's okay, it's just Jess," Beck's voice sounded distant as blackness shrouded my thoughts. When I heard Jess' voice gently coaxing me, I began to breathe again.
Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked down at my baby. His sweet little eyes looked groggy and he began to make sharp little shrieking noises through puckered lips. I lifted my shirt and helped the sleepy boy find my nipple before turning my attention back to them.
Jess smiled at me as if nothing had happened.
"Good morning! I see you guys have breakfast ready for me," she looked over the food. "Spam and eggs. My favorite." She said as she rolled her eyes. I felt a hint of a smile play at my lips as I watched the way her body language exuded attitude.
She lifted some bags and placed them on the counter. "I got diapers, wipes, some baby clothes, some more bandages, and some fresh produce." She listed each item as she pulled them from the bags.
Beck got up and walked over to her, planting an affectionate kiss on her cheek. "Thanks, Jess. You're the best."
"I know," she said matter-of-factly as she reached for a plate to dish up some food.
"Cara was just about to give me some information," Beck was speaking to Jess, but his eyes were on me.
"Oh, I've been dying to hear your story, Sweetie," she confessed. She brought her food and a bottle of water to her bunk and sat with her legs crossed. "Spill."
"Jess," Beck said with a warning tone.
"Oh, sorry," she plastered a cheesy smile on her face. "Please spill?"
Beck chuckled and rolled his eyes. "You'll have to excuse her. She's not used to having company and she doesn't know how to behave herself."
"Hey," she squealed. "I resent that."
For the first time since I could remember, I giggled. The sound was foreign to me. Like a bubble trying to escape my body. Their playful banter was lovely. I had never been treated the way they treated each other. I could see the love they had for each other, and I wondered how different my life would have been if he had treated me that way.
They both turned their attentions back to me before Beck spoke again.
"Cara, can you please tell us where you came from? Or, at least, who you think is after you?"
I looked down at my baby. He was still happily suckling away. I closed my eyes and prepared myself to recount the life I'd only just escaped.
"I only know him as 'Sir.'"
I glanced up to see Jess and Beck exchanging a look.
"'Sir?'" they said in unison.
"Yes," I hesitated before continuing. "My mother married him when I was twelve years old and then," I had to stop. I couldn't say it. The words caught in my throat making it feel as though I was burning and freezing at the same time.
"Hey, it's okay," Beck slowly reached for my hand. I looked down at it expecting to feel afraid, but his warm touch was comforting. "Take your time."
I raised my gaze to his face and his eyes caught mine. It felt as though I was drawing strength from him. Without breaking eye contact I said "He killed her and kept me for himself. He's the father of my baby."
"Shit," Beck leaned back and dragged his hands down his face.
"Oh my god," Jess looked horrified as she brought her hand to her mouth.
"Wait," it was Beck who spoke again. "If you were twelve when your mom married him, how old are you now?"
I wasn't completely sure. It felt like ages that I had been trapped with him. "I, I think I'm seventeen. Or maybe eighteen?"
Jess' eyes widened in horror. "You've been held captive by your stepfather for six years?"
I closed my eyes and nodded. "I couldn't let Sir be a part of my baby's life."
"So you ran," Beck's voice was low. He looked as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. I looked back to him, not sure if I should continue.
"Yes. When I felt myself going into labor I made the decision to leave. I had to. I couldn't bear the thought of Sir holding my baby. I didn't know what he would do." Tears were flowing freely down my face now as I recounted the fears I had held in my heart. I looked from Beck to Jess and then down at my sleeping angel. My voice was shaking and uneven as I continued. "What if he had been a girl, I couldn't let him do what he did to me."
The air was still in the cabin as the implications of my words penetrated the silence.
When I spoke again my voice was nearly a whisper.
"Sir would give me pills every night to make me sleep. He said it made it easier for him to keep track of me while he got drunk." And then he would climb on top of me and rape me like I was a worthless animal. I spared them that detail.
"The last few nights I was there I hid the pills under my tongue until he left, then I buried them in my floor."
"You buried them in your floor?" Beck's voice was incredulous.
"Yes," I explained. "We lived in a shack. There was nothing in my room except a bucket to use as a toilet."
They both just stared at me, so I skipped to the part where I escaped.
"Every morning I would be forced to cook him breakfast, but I wasn't allowed to eat it. So I crushed up the pills I had saved and mixed the powder into his pancake batter. He took a nap after breakfast, and that's when I ran."
"Where did you give birth?" Jess asked.
"In the woods, I don't know exactly where." I recalled that terrible night. "I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I made it two days before I felt my water break, and then I kept running. When the contractions got too bad I sat down on a big rock and…" I was sure they could figure out the rest. "I thought I was going to die."
The truth was, I couldn't really remember the pain anymore. I remembered listening to my baby scream while I kept having contractions. I remembered being afraid that his cries would lead Sir to us. I remembered picking him up and pressing his face against my breast to quiet him. I didn't have a way to cut the cord, so I had chewed through it and tied it in a knot to stop the bleeding. And just when I thought I was done, the contractions got worse again. I remembered fearing that I might be having a second baby, but my body pushed until a bloody chunk of my insides was lying on the ground.
It was chilly, so I took off the wrap I had brought and swaddled my new baby in it. Then I got up and kept running. My belly was still cramping and I had blood running down my legs, but I had to keep going. Until I found Beck's store.
I stared down at my baby's face. My heart felt swollen with love for that tiny human. My throat burned and my eyes were swollen from crying. I traced my finger down the curve of his nose.
"If it wasn't for him, I never would have run away from Sir." As I whispered the words I knew they were true. I would have stayed there and let him beat and rape me for the rest of my life. I was a coward, too scared to try to fight back. "You saved me, little angel," I whispered to him.
Jess got up off her bed and sat down next to me.
"Hey," she said as she reached for my hand. "It sounds to me like you saved each other."
I looked up into her eyes. They were beautiful, like hills of the richest green grass. They were intimidating. I tried to avert my gaze back to my baby, but she reached up and placed her finger under my chin, gently prodding me to look at her again.
She smiled at me. "And now you have us." Her eyes shimmered with conviction. "We won't let that monster get near you again."
She looked to Beck and he stared back at her with an expression I couldn't read. I sensed some sort of silent communication going on between the two of them.
Without breaking eye contact with him she spoke again. This time her voice was cold and hard, "We'll kill him if we have to."