It took me some time to face this diary again. I didn't expect that a single thing in my own writing was enough to get me emotionally wrecked. When I wrote that remark about a dryad by my side, I didn't realize that would start to bother me. I spent that night without any sleep just thinking about this. I will spend my whole lifetime watching everyone I know die in front of me. My siblings, my friends, my lovers, my children, my grandchildren and the list just goes on and on. It doesn't matter what I do. In the end everyone will die before me. I already had to bury my husband once. I don't want to imagine more repeats of this.
Unfortunately this thought broke something in me. I spent the next week on an autopilot mode just doing my work and not spending time with anyone. It was so noticeable that people started asking me if I was okay. I barely answered back. In the end my sister forced me to answer her. After only several questions I just couldn't hold it in and started bawling out. I don't recall what happened. Sister told me I was collapsed on the floor while crying my eyes out.
When I finally calmed down, I told her everything. All my fears and doubts about this as well as the fact that I have bottled this for too long. I am glad she was there to comfort me. I am worried this could become a major issue since there are no psychiatrists in this world. And, as much as I am treating this diary as someone to talk to, it will never answer me back. So I don't know what to do. Sister did point out the elephant in the room: using necromancy to turn others into ghouls and ensuring we could stay together forever.
Honestly that creeps me out. I can't imagine turning my husband or a lover or anyone else into a ghoul just so that I won't be alone. I won't complain if they decide to do this themselves, but I do hope they will think this through. I wish I knew how to deal with this. At least this happened here and not during the expedition to Vlefolm. I can imagine how bad would look like.
At least there are some news from the western expedition to keep me occupied. Another city by the name of Hadok has officially requested to be annexed into the colony. According to the reported location it is within our jurisdiction as written in the treaty, but it was ignored due to a lack of will and finances from the old colonial government to actually explore the area. The city was founded from many goblin tribes that were displaced after the Archmage's Rebellion and couldn't keep up with the times.
When Prince's expedition reached it, it was under attack by the same army that was present on Longsong. The public just thought it was interesting that they have managed to encounter them twice. To be honest I did think that too until I remembered something. Years ago when the army was clearing up the naga-infested city west of Metzaca, Prince and his chief necromancer had that talk that I accidentally listened to. I honestly forgot about it since I was trying to avoid the attention and kept my head down.
If I remember it correctly, the room we were in had paintings of an army that looks quite similar to this one. Does this mean they have discovered the location of that pillared city? If so, I wonder if they will discover the secret behind this undead army. For now it seems like they are stuck on Hadok, apparently the island and the city share the name, until all of the threats are dealt with.
Other than that there are no big news right now. Cass has been dealing with some merchant issues in Ermendal, Linne has been hard at work for the company, Ferlin has been studying hard in Dolsmere. I guess I am glad for some normalcy so I can address this issue in peace. I just hope this lasts as long as it can.