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Note: Olivia talked to the readers mostly in this chapter... I hope it won't be too confusing XD
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I am now completely over him, like I don't even think of him like I do and I am happy about that.
I guess there is no greater medicine to cure the heart that to find what makes it happy.
For weeks now I've been bitching about.
Every day and night, it's been the only thing I've been doing and seriously, it helps keep me cool and level headed but after a while I started feeling down almost all the time.
My thoughts started drifting towards things that are more like destructive and I started feeling like a pit is being built inside of me which keeps getting deeper and deeper as the day goes by.
And it was that very day my destruction started, the very day I came across the one thing that could close up the destructive pit inside of me was the very day my life was taken away from me… replaced with something I would never have thought would be mine.
******
At a point in life we all need a break from few things, but at this point of my life… I needed a break from everything around me.
All of sudden, I felt like living my life on a very low key, I started feeling like I was being too childish about everything I'm doing and sometimes, I felt like stepping up my game but I don't know how.
I felt like I needed breaks from parties, boys, drinks, school and most especially ME.
I don't know if this feelings is common but right now this is how I'm feeling.
After the mini and rule breaking party my friends and I had at the UCSD Engineering building, we were called into the dean's office and giving an oral warning to not ever let something as rude as that happen ever again.
As he said 'it disturbed the school's peace' and as they say… sometimes fun last only for the few minutes it's being enjoyed.
After a while we decided to keep Jacob as a friend instead of just discarding him like we would normally do.
That's because he knows his way around us, he seems fun and also he has plenty of information about almost everything.
It was like two days after the show I stated feeling this way but I didn't take it really serious.
I guessy I was feeling like this because it's been a while since I've been genuinely happy, so I kept doing things I would do on a normal day but it wasn't working.
Sometimes I feel too hopeless about myself that Tessa had to keep telling me to 'please open up' because of the toxic way I was behaving which got me angry and got us to fight to the extent that she had to pack a few of her belongings out of the room in order to allow me to 'destroy myself'.
There is just this thing that makes me go mad and make little things… trivial things get on my nerves.
My friends tried to help me out since it's in a way affecting our relationship but nothing works out the way they wanted… my condition just keeps getting worse.
I kepy picking up fights with them and my relationship with people keeps getting toxic.
I even fought with Jacob since he couldn't give me an easy explanation about how I'm feeling…
'He is such a useless piece of trash. I don't even know how he was able to study Psychology if can't just pinpoint what the fuck is wrong with me.' I thought
He kept saying I'm not making any sense or that I'm not telling him what exactly is wrong with me…
***
At this point of my life, I know I have destroyed myself, at least to a reasonable point.
My test score dropped by 15 marks and never like NEVER in my amazing life has my grade ever dropped… not since I've been popped out of my mother's belly
"Olivia!" Mia screamed while barging into my room…
My bad for not locking my door, you see, I'm not the type to lock my door, the job of locking is for Tessa and I'm guessing they've seen my result
"Hi" I replied standing up as a kind of welcome sign
"Oli, what are you doing to yourself, to us?"Natie asked, clearly worried about me and honestly, that alone is making me angry… don't pity me, I hate it
"And do I look like I'm doing anything?" I asked folding my arms in front of me and taking a stance that looks like I'm trying to protect something within me
"You are not acting yourself; you don't even go to parties anymore and you turn down anything that has to do with us having some girls time" Mia said angrily, parties...
"I didn't feel like it, is that a bad thing?" I asked and I could already feel the irritation oozing off them
"Is that why you muted the group chat and only text us once in a while?" Ryan said in a strained tone "this is like the first time in two weeks we are having a real conversation… you just went MIA" she said with enough tiredness to make me feel bad but then..
"We are worried about you babe, this is so not like you and you know it" Natie said trying to move closer but I moved back.
I don't even know if I am acting badly towards this set of people but I am not really caring right now… my brain is just downright foggy, not ready to assimilate anything entering into it before throwing them out
"I thought I greeted you guys last Wednesday on my way to class, we even chatted a bit" I said quite innocently
"And you count that as a conversation? Bitch, are you fucking with me?" Ryan said angrily
"Am I fucking with you?" I asked and I bet it is now evident that I am livid
"Bitch, I don't want to show up, and if I don't want to then nobody, I repeat, nobody, not even you guys has the right to ask me why, are you getting me?" I said with voice soaked with venom
"And why with fuck shouldn't we ask you hmm?" Mia asked,
I guess our anger is now on the same level with the way her eyebrow kept twitching
"No you tell me, why the freaking fuck can't I sit your fucking ass down and ask you why the fuck you keep pushing us away and making us, making me feel like I'm not doing enough, like we are no longer good enough for you, like we are no longer sisters!" she screamed at me showing me that she is now past livid, she is boiling
And truly I tell you, I am feeling no less, I am boiling crazily
"Really, like you guys actually care about me" I started,
"Like you guys seriously give a fuck, a damn about me… why don't you just go ahead and go about your lives, if I want to be left alone, then that is what I freaking want!"
I know that is not true, everything I just said is a lie.
They care about me and my brain seriously registered that but I guess my mouth has a life of its own, spewing all those nonsense.
I seriously don't want to be left alone; I do not want to feel lonely… I hate that feeling but I am finding it hard to reach out to anyone, not even the best people in my life
"Why do I feel like you are slipping into a hole you are digging for yourself, something I've done before" Natie said almost in tears and it pained me that that's because of me.
"You guys helped me out back then and now we want to do the same thing with you, Olimi" she said calling me that name I gave myself when I finally claimed my father's surname and started crying which also brought me halfway to tears
"We care about you and we want to help you, we've always been together and we've always fought together, babe please let us in" she said and came to hug me and kept crying on my chest which currently feels like it is being tied strongly with a strong rope.
Everyone else was now in tears and that really made me feel like a lost cause and I immediately started crying.
I know that this whole tantrum thing I'm doing is meaningless.
I know that this thing I'm doing to myself is stupid and downright destructive but then I just can't seem to stop, I just can't pull myself out, I tried finding a way but everything just seem futile.
"Guys, this is not me" I admitted,
"This is not the way I always am, I have never felt this hopeless, I have never lost hope or faith in myself" I cried
"Please help me" I said and it pained me that I was begging for help but I know I had to
"I don't know what the fuck it is that is wrong with me" I continued, giving up.
I needed help and I needed it fast. I really needed to let someone in before I get dragged into the pit I am creating for myself unconsciously
They all rushed to hug me and while I cried uncontrollable on the floor on my room, they kept saying sweet nothings to me which at the moment was not entering my ears, my brain isn't registering anything at all.
All I wanted to do is get out of this voodoo attack being sent to me, the one that has sucking me up in its trap and destroying me bit by bit.
I wanted to get out of this pit so badly but every time I try to do something about it… I keep getting dragged back even deeper into it.
I have never lost confidence in myself… never have I lost hope in the power I hold but now… I feel like I have lost it all, like I am nothing and that feeling is the worst anyone can feel… trust me it is.