As I come to terms with my predicament during my days at Hans', I realise that maybe this is a sign and also the right time to try and get over my feelings for Panda King.
Hans brought me my mobile phone from home and the first thing I did was block Panda's number. I should get over him. My feelings won't go anywhere.
I stare at my pathetic pale face in the mirror.
How many days has it been? I know I am being a coward but I lost something which I had believed to be precious to me.
"Tina, come and eat." Hans calls from the other side of the door.
"I'm coming." I say and open the door. I have lost my appetite these past days and I don't know if I will be able to eat today.
"Don't force yourself if you can't." Hans says gently, bringing the spaghetti to the dining table. "I'll make porridge for you later."
I smile. He is truly my guardian angel. "Thank you. I honestly wouldn't survive without you Hans."
"Your mother always told me to take care of you. She would be upset if I neglected my duties." He says solemnly.
"Right. Remember that time you pushed me into the mud when we were younger and she scolded you?" I laugh as I recall the little Hans looking guilty.
"I swear you were trying to push me down first though but I was stronger so you fell instead." He chuckles.
"I miss Mum." I say quietly. It feels like yesterday that she was scolding us.
Hans places a comforting hand over mine. "She'll always be in our hearts."
I nod, "Sorry for always putting a damper on the mood. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me these days." I laugh, "I find myself having mood swings so often."
"It's okay Tina. I don't know what happened but I can tell you have been through a lot. I'll always be here to give you moral support." He smiles.
"By pushing me?" I chuckle.
He groans and covers his face with his hands, "Don't bring that embarrassing moment up again Tina."
I laugh loudly, "That should be my line."
"Can I ask you something Tina?" Hans asks, suddenly serious as he looks at me with his green eyes.
"Sure."
"Do you love Panda King?"
As soon as I hear his name, the fork in my hand drops and I lose my appetite and can't eat anymore. I gulp nervously and drink some water.
"Wh-Why?" I shakily stand up, "I've finished. I'm going up."
Hans doesn't ask anything else after that. I don't like the fact that he is walking on eggshells around me but although it is selfish, a tiny part of me is glad that it stops him from asking other questions about that man.
The days fly by as I live with Hans. He seems to be happy that we can watch movies together and have fun like we used to but under the amusement and happiness, I know he is worried. I spend too much time inside my room when he is at work.
Hans reminds me daily to check up on my dad and brother which I am glad for. I am not ready to face them yet either. I know it isn't something which is visible but I feel guilty and at a loss for something I never intended to do.
Having blocked Panda King, I have successfully cut off any communication channels with him. Everyday, I try to change my heart, try to change my feelings.
When did I turn into such a coward? I was always stubborn and strong. Panda King weakened me. I can't have a weakness. I have to get rid of these futile feelings which only make me weaker.
Everyone around him must now know about my real identity. Panda King probably spread the truth to everyone he knows.
I glance at the calendar on my bedside table. It doesn't feel like thirty days have passed, it feels like an eternity. My appetite seems to have become worse. I can't eat anything but the porridge which Hans cooks for me.
My hair is still strangely growing despite the stressful events. I look more like a woman now with my shoulder length hair. Even Hans was confused when he saw me yesterday with my long hair.
I still get messages from Wade Rider but I have been ignoring them because I know he will tell Panda King if I communicate with him. Has Panda replaced me with a new bodyguard yet? The memory of our time together when I was shot in the forest makes me feel warm. He was really worried. That was the first time I had witnessed him looking worried.
As I think about the time I spent with Panda, something bugs me. I am missing something about that day. What exactly did we do? I have tried to remember any details I can about the incident but I can't recall anything. I can't have simply lost my memory. I had a splitting headache the next morning like I usually do when I have a hangover.
Quickly, searching for some paper and pen, I start jotting down what I can recall. I can't have had a hangover from that little amount of champagne. It was only three sips.
After writing the key points, I stare at the scrap of paper. Did I have anything before the champagne? No. I hadn't eaten a proper meal that day.
I frown. After I had some of the wine, didn't Panda finish it off for me? Then we made an excuse and left for my room. That's where my memory stops.
I shake my head. Something doesn't click. Why would I forget after three sips of wine? It is too little to have any intoxicating effects.
Leaning my head on the desk, I close my eyes and reimagine the scene. There were two? No, three of us. Panda, me and... who else was it? Someone definitely gave us the drink but why can I not remember their face?
Taking a deep breath, I think slowly. Who was there inside the mansion besides us that day?