There is always a price we pay for the mistakes and short comings of our lives, Ahura awoke to consequence.
Days had past since their time by the lake, or was it hours. Ahura was uncertain, the only thing he knew was that he had been lying on his bedroom floor for a while now. Ahura was drenched in water, and his back ached mightily.
His room was dark, damp and untidy. His old thick curtains, draped across the windows, with only a stream of golden sunlight, streaming through the a singular hole in the curtain and burning his eyes open.
Ahura vaulted upwards but found himself, awkwardly placed between the ground and his bed. For some strange reason he had fallen asleep with his feet on the bed and his back on the floor. Twisting, and stumbling through piles of dirty laundry, Ahura finally stumbled onto his feet, in time to see the light on his cellphone screen buzz off.
Another missed call.
Stretching, yawning and tiptoeing around strange puddles of water, Ahura makes his way to his phone, swipes it open and replays old messages.
"So Meryl and I went to see him." Dem's voice could be heard on the other line. "We waited 2 hours for you, but you didn't show. Don't worry, we understand. Let you know how it goes."
See who? Ahura thought for a moment. Then he remembered something about a new Spiritualitst, Anton somthing, Dem had mentioned he was some sort of mentalist, or dream weaver or something. Ahura wasn't paying attention, he did not care what plans they made as long as they were together and that was good enough for him.
The next message played while Ahura made his way to his small bathroom, relieved himself and then begun to brush his teeth as the message played.
"Hey, Ahri, you didn't make it again." Dem sounded excited. "Well never mind that, We met Anton, he was amazing!, he has a family of people just like us Ahri and he knows things, so many things!" Dem couldn't hold in thier excitement. "He said Meryl and I have a gift, we told him about you as well - he wants to meet you, talk later."
Oh? Ahura thought to himself, what had Dem and Meryl discovered, who was Anton? he sounded amazing. Dem had a good sense for people, Ahura was certain he would like this Anton as well. And then the last message played.
"So you didn't show up again. Why do I bother." Ahura stopped dead in his tracks, Dem's voice sounded distant. "Anton was right about you. There are only so many times we can carry you around Ahura. I know you have your condition and I hope you get better. But we will not be tethered down by you any more. Good bye Ahri."
And that was it.
Ahura panicked and reached for his phone, his fingers stumbled as he rushed through every text message, every recording. Ahura had been gone for a week, lost in another episode "Fuck" Ahura cursed as he scrolled through countless text messages from Meryl and Dem. Hundreds of messages, checking in, telling him their ideas, their dreams and he responded to none of them.
Guilt flooded through Ahura, finally the condition had done it, pushed the only people he cared about away. A torrent of familiar and terrible voices echoed through Ahura. They compounded on his guilt, reminded him of his worthlessness, of his failures. Panic flooded through Ahura as he collapsed onto his bed.
"No. No!" Ahura begin to scream in a feet of rage and panic.
Stumbling through his phone he dialled Demi's number.
The phone rang once, twice, and then was cut. Dem didn't want to talk to him, not anymore. He tried seven more times, they all went directly to voice mail.
"Fuck." Ahura cursed and dialled Meryl's number. She answered.
"Meryl." Ahura breathed a sigh of relief.
"Ahura."
"Meryl, Dem isn't answering my calls."
"Don't call me again." Meryl said, then hang up the phone.
"Meryl..." Ahura was left numb.
Ahura simply stood there, as thoughts flooded through him. They were right, he knew that. His condition was no excuse for neglecting his friends, Ahura should have tried harder. He should have taken the pills Dr Harding, had recomended. Even though they left him feeling dead inside, a shell of himself. But at least they would have numbed the episodes, at least he would have been present... he would be with his friends.
Ahura swore he would try harder. And so he called the one person who could help.
"Hello Doctor Jane Hardings' office. How can I help you." The voice on the other side spoke.
"I'd like to book an appointment with Dr Harding." Ahura answered low and slowly.
"Name?"
"Ahura Aten Ahmun."
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Ahura sat in the local park, for a few hours removed from his meeting with Helen Harding.
Her words playing in his mind, gnawing at his soul and eating at his spirit.
In his hands Ahura held a plastic bottle of red pills. He stared at them, he dreaded them. But maybe this way, if he took them, Dem and Meryl would take him back... this way he would not be a tether to them.
Yeah a cold cynical voice said in his mind. You wont be anything at all.
"Have you considered this." Ahura remembered Dr Hardings voice as she explained during their session. "Maybe Demi and Meryl are not real."
"I know they are real," Ahura protested. "I showed you pictures."
"Of course the people are real, but your ideas of them are not. " Helen explained. "Your hallucinations are strong, you projected personalities onto these two people you wished they were your friends. But, Your time together was just another manifestation of your episodes."
"You think I imagined them?"
"Think about it Ahura," Dr Harding said slowly as she elaborated. "How could they find you in the middle of nowhere. Who would be willing to drive that far just to find a boy in your condition, prone to wondering, prone to losing themselves."
"Dem would."
"Your idea of Demi would." Dr Harding corrected.
"I did not make them up."
"We will never know now will we? Not like you are now. Not without them" Dr Harding looked down knowingly at the pills in Ahura's hands. "Please take them, it is the only way to take control of your life, before you lose it."
Ahura watched the birds in the park, the ducks and the pigeons. The town of Hanna was small with a population of a few thousand people. In time everyone who had grown up in this small town moved away to the bigger cities. Ahura had never cared, he was a little older than twenty but he chose to stay. They chose to stay together. But today in the lonely town park, Ahura felt so alone, so small and so insignificant.
Maybe Doctor Harding was right, to find a friendship so powerful and warm as he had with Meryl and Dem could never be real. Ahura must have imagined it. After all, Ahura was a failure, he failed at everything he ever tried, his mind was too scatter brained to ever focus on one thing, he was undeserving of such friendship.
Suddenly an old an familiar voice, reached out to Ahura from a deep and buried place in his soul. "You don't have to take the pills." The voice said softly. "There are other ways to end our suffering."
Images of his closet, of a rope, his ceiling fan. A way out.
For a moment, Ahura could picture it, peace, silence, release. Ahura would do anything to be free of the voices, free of the visions. Anything to have a good restful sleep without the infliction of horrid nightmares that always followed the dark. Maybe this way, Ahura could take back a semblance of control in his life.
"Control is a manipulation." Ahura remembered the words of Dem, their eyes flickering orange and gold, reflecting the fire light. "It is a symbol of a lack of faith in a positive outcome."
"When people are scared, when they feel powerless, they attempt to control the world around them. They control their behaviours, and the behaviours of the people around them. It's all manipulation, in the end it only hurts the very people they care about. " Dem cursed as they burnt their marshmallows. Back then, Ahura thought Dem was reflecting on thier parents and their struggle to accept Dem for who they had become, and how they chose to define themselves. Dem was once a pastor's son, before they found themselves. And Dem's father hadn't taken the transition well.
"I say, fuck control!" Dem screamed to the night sky. "Let's live and see how this story plays out."
Ahura smiled, even gone, Dem was still saving him.
Ahura pushed passed the silent suicidal whisperer, and focused.
Something seemed wrong, Ahura knew Dem, he knew Meryl. They would never abandon him over a phone call, Dem was confrontational, and Meryl, well she was Meryl they would both be certain to make sure Ahura knew he had fucked up in no uncertain terms. Neither of them was subtle enough for passive aggressive behaviour.
If something was wrong, if this was indeed the end of their friendship, Ahura would hear it from them, straight from their mouths. They owed him that much.
Reaching into his phone, Ahura found the address in one of Dem's messages. The location of Anton of Dreams and his mysterious family.