Like I said before, I think it is crazy how your blood family is supposed to be there when you needed it the most. The only person I could think of that loved me no matter what I did back then was my grandma. Even though all of the confusion on where I would need to stay while they settled the case occupied my brain, she took me out to the store to get sunflower seeds, we did each other's makeup, she taught me how to cook, and most importantly she taught me to believe in myself when no one else believed in me.
When I tell you, the society I currently live in, you either sink or swim, no one is going to help you without you asking for help. To be honest, it is very hard to ask for help when all the girls around you have private tutors and have the actual smarts to get the answer by themselves. I always avoid meeting with my teacher because I hate having to think that everyone knows that I am not smart enough and that I need help. But the truth is that I do need help. In fifth grade, I was actually diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). I can't learn in classroom ratios with 30 students per teacher. I was instantly sought out as different, and it did not feel good.
Have you ever experienced something that has changed you? Have you ever believed that that one person has changed? Yeah me too, and as you can probably guess when that the realization of it tasted like literal shit. I was heartbroken. This woman who I forgave after she would neglect me and promise me that she would change, really never gave a damn about me. As soon as she stopped calling to check up on me, stopped calling about visitation, and stopped showing up to when I invited you to my birthday five years ago, I realized… why keep your hopes up only for it to be trampled on? Why do this to yourself? When I tell you that realization set me free. It really set me free.
Now we shall fast forward to the summer before middle school. This was a summer of many firsts. I lived with a woman who cared for me and loved me since I was in second grade. That summer I got adopted. It was my first time going to an academic sleepaway camp. It was my first time making actual friends, and lastly, it was my first time liking someone who was already in a relationship.
I have always been known as a shy girl when you first meet me. I still am don't get it twisted. But for some reason, I was extra shy. This was the first time I met a boy who was kinda cute (let's call him Jake). No one at my old school was even anywhere close to cute… no way… they all thought I was ugly anyways so… yeah. But the issue was that this Jake had a girlfriend, and that girl was one of my really good friends. She would ask me for help with anything...including issues with their relationship. When I tell you… this was the most toxic relationship I have ever observed. Throughout the three weeks we were together they were on and off and honestly, I went crazy. How could I possibly get my mind off the fact that I have a crush on my best friend's boyfriend? Welp, I did. But not the way you think. On the very last week at camp, one of my friends told me that they were broken up and that he had something to tell me. By then I kinda had an inkling that he liked me by the way he teased me and stuff but I just ignored it.
You know how in stories, where a girl likes someone and out of nowhere that person likes them back? Yeah, that's exactly what happened. While I was playing with my friends they all seemed to walk away while looking behind me. I turned around only to find Jake walking towards me. Long story short, he asked me out and we went home being a couple. From then on I thought that the way I looked and how I represented myself mattered. I was self-conscious of the smile that showed my cluttered teeth. I was self-conscious about the way my clothes fit. How I looked, how my hair looked, and how much weight I have put on. Because of that encounter, I have been self-conscious about myself, and the only way to satisfy it was for someone else to tell me that I was perfect the way I am, no matter what. And let me tell you, the boys out here are pretty cruel.
Okay we are going to fast forward into the present day. So we are back to the situation again. But instead, I still don't know why I lie. It's like a reflex. An impulse. I just tense up and lie without thought. My mom thinks that I don't really care about her feelings and that I do whatever I want… whenever I want which is true like I honestly don't really give a fuck about what y'all think but that wasn't true at the moment. But my mom really doesn't understand. She expects for me to change in a few weeks when then change I have to make takes years to do.
It's also so hard being adopted because I feel like I don't have as close of a relationship to my mom than my sister does. But what can I do? These are the times when I yearn for my birth family. I'm the only kid that is adopted by someone else. My brothers and sisters were able to go back to my birth mom but the social workers wouldn't let me go back. I didn't understand why but now I do. If I went back I would have gone crazy, who knows what would have happened if I did.