We buried Vivian early the next morning, and I laid a fresh bunch of flowers I picked on the mound of dirt that hid her from me. I looked at the dirt beneath my fingernails, not wanting to remove the last remnants of her from myself when Moses crouched beside me. Together we sat in silence until I cleared my throat, "Everything about this world is so fucked up, and the only thing that's changed is death. We can't even escape it anymore. People have always been like this. No one's turned because of this disease; it's always been in us. My dad had it in him, the darkness. I have it too, and I'm scared that I won't be able to hold it back any longer." A small pool of tears gathered in my eyes, and I bit my lip, trying to keep them from running over. I wasn't sure why I was telling Moses these things, but I needed someone to listen, and some deep part of me trusted him.
Moses took a deep breath, "Norah, you're not your father. You can't change what you're born with, but you can change what you use it for." "I turned and stared straight into his eyes, "You're a good person, Moses Winters. One of the only good people left, and you don't deserve any of this, and yet you're still here. I'm sorry that you're paying for our sins." I stood up and walked away.
We drove on for days, only stopping to search buildings for supplies. We slept in the car and took turns driving all through the night because we were still too close to the previously densely populated areas and didn't want to get caught in another herd.
Our ammo supplies grew less and less every day, so we resorted to using knives for the dead. I was better with my knife than with a gun because every time I held one in my hands, I could hear my mom's screams ringing in the wind. Moses tried teaching me how to shoot, but no matter how hard I tried to block it out, I couldn't.
I kept to myself mostly, but I could always feel the General's eyes staring a hole through the back of my head. He never let me out of his sight, and at night I'd lie awake waiting for him to lose sight of me, but he never did. Moses and the other kid tried to make the most of things, but I refused to make conversation with either of them. I didn't want to have another friend because I'd rather bury a stranger.
We drove down a street when we passed an old convenience store. The front of it was rundown, and there was no sign of the dead outside of it. I jumped out of the van. My gun in my back pocket, just in case. Using a crowbar, we pried the front doors open. Inside was dark, and it smelt like rotting food or bodies. I couldn't tell. "Alright, let's split up and meet outside in 10 minutes. If you run into trouble, shout, and get the hell out of here." The General gave us the instructions he always did, and I took off down one of the canned food aisles. Moses followed behind me, and I knew he'd try to ask me about how I was or try to start some sort of small talk. I wasn't in the mood, so I walked faster, hoping he'd catch the hint.
The sound of a footstep ahead of me caught my attention, and I held up my hand to signal Moses to stop walking. I turned, and his face looked confused, so I lifted a finger to my lips before turning back around and tiptoeing forward. I signaled for him to go around the other side of the shelf, and he nodded. I continued walking when I heard a woman's voice, " Put your knife down. I don't want to hurt anyone." I turned the corner to see a woman who looked like she hadn't been able to clean herself in months, pointing a gun at me. "I don't have anything valuable," I told her. I knew she was scared by the way the gun was shaking in her hands.
What did I think she was before all of this? Probably only worked at this shop on the weekends, going to college the rest of the week. Studying to become a nurse or a doctor, she could have saved so many lives, and here she was about to lose her own.
The General always told me to never go into anything without a backup plan, and at this moment, I was never more aware of the weight of my gun in my back pocket.
I nodded slowly at the lady who still shook, and I bent down to lay my knife on the tiled floor. Standing back up, I slowly reached my hand behind me and made contact with the cool gun. I didn't want to have to kill this woman, and there was probably something I could have done without killing her, but a part of me screamed to feel the weight of the trigger against my finger, to feel the shock of it firing race through my muscles. She looked me in my eyes, hers were so full of fear, and I hated it. I hated that it looked exactly like me, so I pulled the gun out in front of myself and pointed it straight at her head. My finger pulled back, and the bullet was released to dance through the air, marking itself into the woman's head. As soon as I saw her body collapse onto the floor, the realization of it all hit me, "I don't know why I did that..." My eyes blinked rapidly, and I dropped the gun onto the floor. It fell into a pool of blood that was running into the cracks of the tile. "Norah!" I heard Moses's voice shout, and he raced around the corner. "It happened so fast, and I- I don't know why I did it." Moses held onto me, "Did what? What are you talking about?" I turned to look at where the woman had fallen, but nothing was there but dirt-stained tile. "Let's go," I told Moses. I picked up my gun and hurried into another aisle.