We walked out to Trystin's car not to mention my dream again. He put the building into the GPS. Then we started driving he decided to grab food before we headed that way. We went through our local donut shop and got cinnamon rolls. On the way towards the building, I realized the houses were getting more and more spaced out.
I zoned out into my thoughts. I know I was there with Trystin physically, but not mentally. Mentally I was falling constantly never hitting the bottom. I know it seems that all my thoughts are dark now. It was not this way before. My thoughts used to be about where I wanted to go out to eat. I used to daydream about my future. Where I wanted to go to college. Who I would marry, my future children, and their names. Never one to look back on my past. That was before I went on that walk with my parents.
My memory of that night is more vivid than the road in front of my eyes right now. It was a summer night I and my parents decided it was a beautiful Friday night. It was perfect my parents holding hands and walking in front of me. I was just watching them wishing to find love like that someday. The way my mom laughed at my dad the way he smiled watching her face crinkle with pure joy. The air smelled of freshly mowed grass. The birds were flying to find their homes to rest. The stars in the sky shone brightly against the navy blue tint of the atmosphere. It was a full moon beautiful and bright in the sky. Our walk was peaceful and relaxing. Then I heard footsteps behind me before I had time to react a rag-like cloth covered my mouth and nose. The beautiful world around me melted away as everything turned black.
The next thing I knew I was waking up in my front yard. My parents were gone. The stars in the sky had been swallowed by storm clouds that were barely visible in the pitch black of the night. The only light allowing me to see was the faint light of the moon behind clouds and a dim lamp in the window across the street. I got up and ran into my house. I searched everywhere for my parents. I collapsed on the floor of their bedroom in a full panic attack hardly able to breathe. That is when the front door to the house opened. I ran as fast as I could hoping I would see my parents and this was all just my imagination running wild. When I got to the door it was just Jason walking into the house. He saw the wreck I was and promptly asked what was wrong. I told him everything I could remember. Jason grabbed his phone and tried to call our parents it went straight to voicemail. He then called the police and an officer came to take my statement.
I relive that night often in my sleep. Every single time I remember it I hope that when I wake up my parents will be there to tell me it is all over. My mom would be there to hold me and sing me our song. It was a soft song we made together. It was about our love and bond. My mom was my best friend losing her feels like I lost myself. If I were a Jenga tower my mom was the piece that got pulled causing me to topple over falling into a mess on the ground.
Soon I zoned back in me and Trystin we're walking into the building. I wonder if we had been talking. If so did I actually give responses? I do not remember saying anything between leaving the house and getting here. I assume he did not try to say anything because of my dream last night. I hope he knows I do not try to interpret my dreams the way he does. Honestly, Trystin has a very creative imagination. He comes up with some wild theories. Maybe he was zoned out on the way here too. He was probably trying to psychoanalyze me and my dream. Trystin believes that the world is one big puzzle and if he looks close enough he will find all of the answers. I believe that sometimes if you can not find the answer it is the world's way of protecting you from a truth you do not want to know. Sometimes the truth is too much for a person to handle.
Maybe my fear of the truth is why I am believing the crazy theories Trystin is making. Maybe this is just a wild goose chase to keep me from excepting the reality of things.
I know that sometimes you need to accept the truth and move on. In this case, however, if the truth is what everyone says it is then I would rather keep chasing these imaginary leads. The second I say and believe that my parents are gone, like really gone my life will be over. They are the ones who gave me life and I can not live without them. I do not think I would ever be ready to lose them, especially not now. There are still so many things we were meant to go through together. If they are truly gone I will be soon my mind is far too weak to bare that kind of pain. I would rather lose my life than have to live one without the only people who ever loved me unconditionally. They would never do anything to hurt me. I trusted them with everything in me. I either must find them or I must die. That is how this will go either we all die or we all live. We are one of the same. Our lives are connected missing them would make me miss myself. I already miss the person I used to be.
I hate the person I see in the mirror. I hate the voice I hear come out when I speak and the voices in my head. My thoughts ever darken with every passing day that I am lacking their presence. My life will never be the same I will never stop looking over my shoulder. Everyone I hold close I will now hold even closer. If my parents are not to be found though I will have to let go of my hold on the people in this life and move on to the next. I hope it is full of more beauty and less dread. I hate the emptiness where my world used to be. I would kill literally kill to have my parents back in my life. I would give up the rest of my life to see them one more time and feel the warmth of their embrace surround me again.