Mother, my time back home has granted me much time to think. And although you wish for me to stay, I have made my decision. By the time you read this, I would have travelled far already. Do not try to follow me.
My soul is forever tainted. The scars of war have faded from my physical being, but the damage runs far deeper than the skin. There is no saving me anymore. I do not fear the fate my path has led me to. The nightly torment my mind unleashes upon me in my sleep is well deserved.
Mother, my life is forfeit. I have no right to remain here anymore.
And yet, I can't leave. To so easily embrace such a peaceful end to my life, it would be blasphemous to all those I have wronged. My suffering is my atonement to them.
Everything reminds me. Wherever I look, I see them. I hear them. The cackling of the flames have been seared into my eardrums. The anguish overwhelms me. I wish for it to stop, but I know that I deserve it.
I have never tried banishing these demons. They have infested my soul for good reason.
For such a pitiful man as myself, such a worthless excuse for a human, to have taken away so much. I have tilled the soil with rivers of blood, and so the heavens have seen it just to salt my mind.
I selfishly thought that coming back to you and father would distract me. Grant me a momentary peace.
Foolish desires.
I have done what I can, mother. The fields are ready for harvest. The scythes have been sharpened. I am afraid that I can not participate in the harvest.
I am going East. There I will pledge myself to Marshall Feng and join the National Pacification Army. Before my mind and will shatters, I wish to be of use to the only just and righteous man under heaven.
Worry not Mother. I am sure that my past affiliation will not cause me any danger. Marshall Feng is said to be as magnanimous as he is cunning. I'm sure once he learns of the skills I possess he would be sure to take me in. Maybe even grant me a high position. Though that matters not to me.
May my brothers and sisters take good care of you, for I'm afraid I can't fulfill that filial duty. Live long and prosper my dear parents.
Your forever grateful son,
Ying Guangzhi