Naturally, the boys were annoyed with me as I walked through the door that morning. I don't blame them, I'm mad at myself too. I know that I need to explain what has been going on, but I am tired of talking about it, tired of thinking about it. I just want to move on, but every time I try, there is always something that pulls me back. It reminds me of tug-o-war, I pull it towards my side by getting better, and then the nightmares and thoughts pull me to their side and I fall face first in the mud.
But I am going to be better so I can feel like I deserve these boys after everything they have done for me. They have been so patient and kind. This is the least I can do for them.
"I'm sorry I came back so late. I was going to come home after an hour of driving, but I-I don't know what happened. Do you guys mind sitting on the couch for a minute?"
They both take a seat on one end of the couch with me on the other. I don't like this positioning, usually, I am in the middle and now it feels as if it is them against me. I don't think they have ever made me feel like this before.
Stop. This isn't about you.
Agreeing with my thoughts, I open my mouth, words tumbling out. "I'm sorry, really I am. I don't mean to stress you both out or make you angry. It may seem like that with my behavior and all, but I really don't. I just- I don't know what to do with myself. This isn't an excuse, despite how it may sound, but it's so frustrating, you know? Every time I make progress towards my old life something comes back to remind me of how broken I am whether it is the nightmares or nasty thoughts or feelings of hopelessness. During those times, I'm always stuck in my head and I try to get out of it, but it's like a maze.
"I ended up at a beach today that is two hours away from here. I don't remember how I made it there. I only planned to be out an hour, honesty. I guess I was stuck in my own thoughts and driving aimlessly.
"I wish I would stop running away from my problems and just face them. I should have stayed home and told you both about what has been going on, but I just can't really find a sensible way to explain it so you both can understand it in its entirety."
I take a breath, the boys attempt to comfort me, but I hold my hand out. I need to finish getting this all out so they know how sorry I am and how I am going to change for them.
"Damon, you probably understand me better than anyone because we went through the same thing. I should talk to you about it, it would definitely help. Maybe you can even give me some advice on how to get better.
"Brandon, you were the first one who helped me get back to some form of normalcy by helping me get some of my memories back. You know what it is like to freak out and get overwhelmed when you suddenly remember things you didn't even know happened with people you don't recall meeting. You helped me calm down that day, I should let you help me calm down more often.
"I shut you both out for no reason because there seems like there is no other way to get out of those 'funks' or moods if you will. You both have already done so much for me and all I do is take and take and take. I feel so bad because I know I do not deserve either of you, but I still come back here every day and unload all of my problems so you both have to stress and worry about me. It's not fair to either of you and I am trying to get better so I can feel less guilty about being your friend."
I stop talking, out of breath and feeling relieved that everything is now on the table. It is nice that I am not shutting them out anymore. I want them to understand that I am sorry for my behaviors and I do not intentionally make their lives harder. If anything, I am trying to make their lives easier by not telling them what is going on with me.
Damon is the first one to speak. "Rose, we are not mad at you. I was a lot worse when everything happened to me. We are disappointed, sure, but mostly we just don't know how to act around you. We are constantly walking on eggshells. And it sucks, but we don't want to set you off into another episode like you had earlier today. You get like that a lot even with your progress. You may not notice it as much, but it still happens. You get nightmares a lot, some of them you just don't remember or are too tired or upset to deal with them so you push them back.
"Look, I'm a mess or a work in progress, whichever you want to call me, so I can't judge you for your behavior. But shutting people out is not the way to go, it is never the way to go. You will only hurt yourself more in the end. You need friends and support now more than ever and we are here for you. Don't do what I did and cut ties. Figure out ways that we can help you."
Damon pauses for a moment and I seize the opportunity to lightly defend myself and them. "But that is just it, I don't have any ideas for you to help me because I don't know how to help myself. I don't want to shut you guys out, but I also don't know how to get out of those moods. It is so difficult to just bounce right back."
Brandon is the next person to speak. "I will never be able to comprehend what you both went through and I know that. But what you both forget is that I did help you both get back to your lives, both of you are still struggling. You guys need to face the fact that you will not be better overnight or in a year's span. You both went through traumatic events that will live with you for the rest of your lives.
"Sure, it is hard being the loved one with nothing that you can really do, but mom, dad, and I are all trying to make sure you both get better and feel loved. Rose, you said the same thing Damon said right around two years ago about not deserving us, but the truth is, you both deserve to have supportive people in your corner. You are strong, you are survivors and we will do anything to help you get anything you want in life. We weren't able to help you when everything went wrong, but we will be here to help you make everything right again.
"So, really, all I am trying to say is stop putting so much pressure on being 'normal.' Neither of you were normal before everything and no one expects you to be normal after. Create a life that gives you both what you need now, don't work on your old life that doesn't fit you anymore. That isn't going to help either of you and you are making goals that you will never reach."
The room is quiet after that. No one has anything else to say. I don't at least and it feels amazing that everything is now out in the open between us.
Looking over at Damon, I can't tell how he feels at this moment. His face is a blank slate, his eyes distant. But, for me, I know I feel an immense amount of relief after hearing what they both had to say. I realize that I am not in this alone like I thought. I knew they would help me whenever I needed it, but I thought they considered me more of a burden than anything. I was wrong, as I usually am lately. And that is okay. Brandon is right, I will not be okay overnight or within a few months of going through what I did. They hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally and I cannot just bounce back like I have been trying to do. I need to take baby steps and learn how to walk again and one day I will be able to run again. I just need to work hard to get there and not leave any of my supporters behind because that is what will hurt me the most and lead to my failure at a happy life.