We talked for the rest of that night and decided to go somewhere just the two of us. We want to find out whether we still want the same things and if this relationship was something that could happen between us given the timing. It has been months since everything happened, but I am still not back to normal. I still have nightmares, I cannot be left alone overnight, I don't like being in the dark or watching scary movies, and I'm still not comfortable living on my own.
I know what I want out of this relationship, and I am pretty sure I can do this, but this weekend is to clarify what it means to be "us" and whether we want to start where we left off or just try again. By "try again," we discussed getting to know each other, going through the dating process, and everything else that comes with it. Personally, I do not want to do this, but I also want to make sure I can handle this relationship and be a good girlfriend. I cannot be selfish, he has already given me so much, I cannot continue taking without giving something back.
Of course, saying all this about Damon, I wonder about Brandon. He has been there for me since I have come back. I didn't want to just abandon him. We were going to ask Brandon to come with us for our weekend, not as a pity invite, but because I love Bradon like a brother and he always gives me good advice that I trust. I was hoping to get some advice from him about this, but he was gone from the apartment before we woke up from our two-hour nap.
Now, being the next morning we are both packing to go to the cabin. We wanted a weekend away from everything and everyone. We just want it to be the two of us for forty-eight hours before I have to go back to work on Monday.
The weather is getting warmer again. It is the perfect time to go to the cabin, really. It is nice enough where we can sit by the lake with a small fire and a blanket. It's exciting to see the trees getting greener, the flowers beginning to grow, and the birds coming alive and singing their tunes.
"Are you ready to go?"
Grabbing my purse and duffle bag, I nod at Damon and walk out of the bedroom. He grabs his wallet, keys, and duffle bag before following me. Soon enough we are at the car and the familiar purr meets my ears.
"Do you want to drive?"
I turn to Damon, expecting him to be joking around, but his face is serious.
"Actually?"
"Yes, I'm serious. Do you want to drive?"
My excitement is palpable. I don't remember the last time I drove this car. Actually, I wonder if it was the time he taught me how to drive a stick shift.
"Yes! Yes! Yes! I would love to drive!"
Scrambling out of my seat, I'm already opening the driver's side door before Damon can even unbuckle his seatbelt. He laughs as he gets out of the car. Jumping into the driver's seat, I impatiently wait for Damon to get back into the car. He takes what seems like forever, but he finally closes his door and the car is out of park only a second or two later.
It takes me a couple of shifts before my instincts take over. I weave in and out of lanes until we pull onto the road where the cabin is. We pass the hidden street three times before I decide that I should end this joyride and head onto the road.
We pull up to the cabin less than five minutes later and I reluctantly get out of the car. I wish I could drive that car all day long.
"How was it?"
"The best! I want to drive home."
He shakes his head as he laughs. I know he will definitely let me drive home. I am a great driver, I think I am even better than him.
Walking into the house ignites memories in my mind. The last time I was here was for the picnic with Damon's family. He has grown since then, helping take over the business and all, but it still slightly frightens me about an episode like that happening again. I mean, what if Brandon wasn't there last time? I don't know what I would have done.
"Is everything alright? You look pale."
"I'm fine. It's just been such a long time since I have been here and it's a little colder than I remember."
"I'll go turn on the heat. It should warm up soon. Until then, do you want to grab a blanket and watch a movie? We can turn on the fireplace so it gets a little warmer quicker."
"That sounds like a great idea. I'll grab the blanket from our bedroom."
Walking up the stairs, I familiarize myself with the layout of the house. It is crazy that I haven't been here in a little under ten months.
Our bedroom is my last stop. It is at the end of the hallway and has the best view of the lake. Our bed is still made the same way it was from when we left last time. Nothing has been moved. Has he not been here?
Reminding myself to ask him later, I take the blanket off the bed and head back downstairs. The fireplace is already on and the tv has a movie set up.
"Took you long enough. Did you get lost?" His tone is light and joking.
"No, I just wanted to look around again. I miss being here. Have you been here at all?"
"Yes, I try to come every two weeks even if it is to make sure everything is running properly and no animals were able to get in."
"Do you sleep over a lot?"
"Every time I come here."
I don't want to sound too pushy so I leave it there.
"I didn't sleep in our bed because I didn't want to be reminded of how I failed you. We don't need to talk about it again. I see how stupid I was, but I just couldn't help thinking that way back then."
I nod and let the conversation end. I want us to talk about the present and the future, not harp on the past.
Damon turns on the movie when neither of us says anything for a minute or two.
We pause the movie halfway through, the house is significantly hotter and both of us are distracted, barely paying attention to the tv. I may not know what is going on in Damon's mind, but I know that I just want to talk and see where we want to go next.
Gathering my courage, "can we just talk now and get it over with? Well, not over with because this means something to me, but I want to know where we are heading." My voice is soft, unconfident almost.
"Uh, yea. Good idea. I'm glad you said something."
Feeling significantly better, I am more comfortable talking about our plans. "What do you want out of 'us'? Do you want there to be an 'us'?"
"Rose, I love you. I know the last couple of months, well, more like the last year, has been really challenging. It took a large toll on me which is the reason I haven't been as close to you as I was before everything. But I want you to know that I love you. I loved you then and I still love you now. I don't know the magnitude of your feelings for me, given everything, but my feeling for you never stopped. If anything they have grown at seeing how resilient and strong you are. You had every reason to just stop everything, but you kept fighting, even now you are fighting, and I am so proud of you."
My chest warms and butterflies swarm in my chest. Everyone tells me that I am strong, but to hear it from the man I love, who went through the same thing as me, makes me feel proud of myself. It makes me feel strong.
"Thank you. It's so relieving to hear you say that. For the past couple of weeks, I was so unsure where you stood with me. I didn't know if you liked me or not. I would understand your need to get away from me, I'm a mess. But to hear you say all this is a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Thank you.
"As for my feelings, I want a relationship with you. Even without remembering you and 'us' there was always something between us. I could feel it every time my chest would get warm or my heart would beat a little faster than normal. I love you."
Similar to last night, Damon scoops me into his arms and lap, and we slowly, passionately make out. Neither of us rushes the kiss, after all, we have all the time in the world. And that is the greatest gift anyone could ever give me.