I jump out of bed, my eyes wide, sweat covering my body, and a scream tearing out of my throat.
Both boys run into the room at the same time, Brandon turns on the light. I blind rapidly at the sudden brightness but am grateful that I can see my surroundings.
Damon takes me into arms and leads us to sit at the edge of the bed. Brandon sits on my other side and I feel protected from the monsters around me. I know the boys surrounding me will not let me go through the hell I went through again.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Yes.
"No, I'm okay. Sorry, I woke you both up again. You guys can go back to bed now, I need to shower anyway. I feel gross."
They are both hesitant to leave, and, frankly, I don't want them to leave, but the clock on the nightstand says 2:13 am and we are all tired.
"Why don't I sit in the bathroom with you? I'll close my eyes and we can just talk or I can just sit in there. I can leave before you get out."
I debate the idea. I really don't want to be alone right now, but I feel bad. This is the second time that I have woken them up this week and it is only Wednesday. I don't know why this is happening. I thought I was making progress. I am being more open to talking about what happened to me, and I had another appointment with my therapist. We haven't made it to the trauma yet, but next session I am ready to talk about it. Thinking about my progress, I say yes to Damon's question.
"I'll go set up the living room while you are in the shower. What movie do you want me to put on?"
"'Pretty Woman,' please."
Brandon walks out of the room to go grab the extra pillows, blankets, and sheets from the hall closet. Damon and I head into the bathroom, a clean towel and a new set of pajamas in hand. This has sort of become a routine for us. Every time I have a nightmare now, we all sleep in the living room with a movie of my choice playing in the background. It is the only thing that calms me down. Maybe it is the fact that I know the boys don't sleep well in the living room so they tend to watch me sleep. It makes me feel safe. Nothing can harm me in my sleep when they are watching me. It is beyond selfish, but I can't help thinking, feeling this way. I don't deserve them.
Damon sits on the toilet and closes his eyes. Turning on the shower, I quickly undress and step under the steamy water. It soothes me and I feel better now that I am not covered in sweat.
Stuck in my own thoughts, I recall the dream vividly. It was the first time the bad man ever visited me and wanted to "play." I was still tied to the pole and had just managed to barely get my thumb out of the ropes. I felt hope and despite the bleeding, I was determined to keep going. If I could get my arms free, I could attack whoever came in and possibly escape. This was my chance.
I continued to try to worm my other fingers out, and my index finger was finally free when the door opened. I knew that this visit was abnormal. No one ever visited me. Why would they? I was their prisoner after all.
Anyways, he had this sadistic smile on his face; he looked crazed. As inconspicuous as I could, I tried to get more of my hand out of the ropes. "I need to protect myself'' was the only thought running through my head. His smile, his stance, the visit, everything set alarm off in my head. Even with the state I was in, I did not feel safe; something bad was coming.
His steps were measured as he walked up to me. His smile never went away, only widened the closer he was to me. Once we were toe to toe, I remember a mall whimper falling from my lips. I was kicking myself, that was a sign of weakness and I couldn't afford to seem weak. He seemed to like my whimper, moving past my ties and closer to my actual body.
"Hello, doll."
I hated that name. I now understand why he called me that. I was his doll. I barely made a peep except when I couldn't hold the screams in and I didn't fight not after what he did to me on this night.
As soon as he was next to me, his breath hitting my neck, his hands traveling, I worked on freeing my hand, not caring how much it was obvious. Of course, he noticed after a few seconds of struggling to free myself. He tutted and shook his head like one would a small child. His reaction should have set me off, but I was frozen in fear. His smile still never went away. That same smile still haunts me today, it never leaves my face.
That night was the night he broke me, he took the most precious thing from me. He took my dignity and my purity. He played with me for hours. There was blood, not just from my wrists, going down my arms. My legs looked the same. Subconsciously reaching up, I brush the small knick on my neck. I was fighting against him and before I knew it, he had the same knife pressed against my neck. He warned me time and time again to stop struggling, but I refused. He pressed the tip in my neck and started to glide it further. Once again, I was frozen in fear. He was going to kill me.
"Rose? Rose? Are you okay? You have been in there for a while."
Damon's voice cuts through my thoughts, my cheeks are wet not just from the water, but the tears currently creating rivers against them. How is it that I can't remember the good memories, but I can recall the bad ones even in my sleep?
Clearing my throat, "y- yea. I am okay."
Deciding that I have been in the shower long enough, I tell Damon to close his eyes before shutting the water off and wrapping myself in a towel. I stand there for a few moments just looking at Damon. He has helped me so much since I have been home. I am truly grateful.
Drying off and putting on new clothes, I feel different. I feel better. I don't feel like I am trapped anymore in my dream. I am safe. I survived.
"You can open your eyes now."
Damon slowly opens one eye and then the other. Feeling satisfied that I am dressed, he stands up from his hunched-over position on the toilet and we walk out of the bathroom hand in hand. Brandon has already set up the living room, blankets and pillows are strewn all over the floor and the tv screen is paused.
Brandon says he needs to grab a couple more blankets for us and the minute he walks away, Damon seizes the opportunity to talk to me again.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? I know I asked earlier, but I just want to make sure you're okay. You took longer in the shower than you normally do."
Honestly, I'm not sure if I want to talk about it with him. I mean, I am talking to my therapist about it and I think about it all the time. It would be nice to get away from the thoughts for a little while, but Damon can also help me get through this. He went through it too.
"Uh… not really. It was just this one guy that always visited me while I was there. He made the experience what it was. I don't know his name and I could never see his face very well, but I remember his creepy smile. I don't know, I mean I know everything is okay now, but I'm still worried that he will find me again, you know?"
"I do know. While I was there, there were multiple people that would visit me which made me nervous to have any come in the room, I was distrustful of everyone. I couldn't trust the doctors that were taking care of me for a short period after, and I could barely leave the house. But, Rose, I want you to know that I will never let someone hurt you again. I will always keep you safe."
Looking at each other, a mutual understanding passes between us. We are allies for each other and when the world doesn't know what you are going through, it is nice to have someone you love to understand you.
Brandon comes back a minute later and together we all sleep side by side, a small smile on my face and Damon's hand in mine. This is how I feel safe. This is how I will always feel safe.