"I know the feeling...the feeling of life slipping away from you, the feeling of not caring anymore, and the feeling of just wanting to give up. No one understands, no one cares to try to understand so what do you do now? People say put on a smile you can be happy if you try. So then you try, you put on a smile, and you act happy but in the end, the pain is ten times worse when you're alone with your thoughts. Before you know it you stand at the edge waiting for it, waiting for the push off the edge. Your heart races and you push your feet closer to the end, the darkness below you welcomes you with open arms, and you go to take the last step. That's when I stop you...The one thing I learned was if you're going to die, don't die alone."--Ryan Nelson
I pull my suitcase out of the trunk, and before I'm able to walk into the school my mother grabs my arm. I turn to face her, and I can already feel what's coming from the look she gives my father.
"Listen, Ryan, this is your last year, and this school will be good for you. Just keep to yourself, study and don't..." She stops before looking at dad again.
"No more weirdness." He says, and I nod.
"Yes, sir," I say, and mom looks at her watch.
"Well, we are going to be late, you don't mind going in alone right? Just find your dorm and get yourself situated okay?" She says, and I nod. I feel a pain in my chest but ignore it and watch both of them get back into the car leaving me with two big suitcases to carry around. Once they have driven away I sigh and face the school again. My hands clutch my suitcases, and I take a deep inhale.
"Here goes nothing," I whisper, pulling out a piece of paper from my pocket and read my dorm number. D23. I sigh as I finally make it to the boy's dorm complex and realize I have to go up three flights of stairs with two huge suitcases. Just when I go to pick up my suitcases a hand grabs one for me. I look up shocked to see a boy who looked to be only about a year younger than me.
"Hey, let me help with that." He says with a sweet smile.
"Um, sure...thanks I guess," I say, and he shrugs.
"Nah, it's fine, I remember having to go up these stairs with three big suitcases and no help." He says, giving a small chuckle. We begin walking up the first flight, and I take the time to notice how the boy looks. His hair was a light brown along with his eyes; there was nothing that would make you say he was cute, but he seemed to have this charm about him that made you think otherwise. He wore his uniform nicely, and once he noticed me staring he smiled, and I looked away. Great, I was already getting mixed up in stuff.
"So, where did you transfer from?" He asked, and something told me he sensed my awkwardness. His question threw me off though, I didn't want to think about that school. My mind flashes back to the other students who made my life horrible.
"Um, nowhere important," I say, and he nods.
"What floor are you on?" He asks, and I look and notice we were already on the floor D. How long was I silent? "I wasn't sure, but you kept walking, so I assumed you were on a higher floor." He says.
"Oh, no I'm on this floor, I'm in number 23," I say, and his eyes widen.
"Wait like room D23?" He asks, and I nod confused.
"Oh, wow, well that will be fun." He says more to himself than to me.
"What about D23?" I ask, and he shrugs.
"I guess you will find out soon, can't give you all the answers now can I." He says with a smile, but I don't return it.
"Okay, well thanks for helping me out," I say, and he just smiles while staring at me, although it felt like he was looking right through me. I grab the suitcase he had been holding and nod to him before turning away and begin to look for my room.
"Wait!" he says, and I turn to face him. "You never told me your name." He says, and I shifted, feeling a twisted feeling in my stomach. Right...my name.
"Ryan," I say, and he nods, the smile never leaving his face.
"Cool, I'm Eden." He says, and I nod, having nothing else to say.
"Well, if you ever need someone to show you around and you see me don't be afraid to ask." He says, and before I can give another awkward nod he turns and begins to walk back down the stairs we came from. I sigh and turn back around to search for D23. Once I finally made it to the room and found myself just looking at the bolted letter, and numbers on the door. I remembered what Eden had said. That will be fun. What did he mean? I open the door and walk in to find all lights off, and the only light visible was from the window, shining in from another room. I walk in and notice a really small kitchen and past it was a room that I was going to guess was a bedroom. I roll my suitcases in and notice everything in here was all organized, almost as if no one else lived here. I walk into the bedroom and am hit with a sweet smell of strawberry. Well, I know my roommate smells good. I walk over to the side with nothing on the desk and nothing on the walls, guessing that side was mine. I flop down on the bed and take a deep breath, remembering what my parents had asked of me. I was going to keep to myself and finish the year with no trouble this year was going to be different I wasn't going to be pushed around anymore for who I was. Who I was, was going to stay a secret. Secret. The word rang in my head, and I remembered Issac, my Issac. I close my eyes, pretending he was here. What would he say?
"Calm down, Ryan, don't get so stressed about this new school, who knows you might just find some friends." That's what he would say, before things went down he always thought on the bright side. I pretend he was here.
"And if I find no one to be my friend?" I ask my imaginary Issac.
"Then you walk up to them and say, listen here if you will be my friend I will give you my gummy bears." That was also something he would say. I laugh at the thought and sit back up and my smile disappears. I then remembered, he wasn't here, and I was alone...completely alone. I sigh and stand up.
"I should find what classes I have," I say to myself and walk out of the room.
I walk down the hallways to this new school while bumping into a few students who don't even bother to spare me a glance. I hear a laugh, and out of instinct, I look to see a group of boys, but one, in particular, my eyes landed on. He wore a uniform with the rest of his friends, and from where I was I could see his hair was a dark brown. I'm sure he could feel my eyes on him because he looked over, and our eyes locked. I felt heat rush up to my face, and before I knew it, I turned away and ducked into the crowd. I was going to get myself in trouble, I needed to just focus on myself. I repeated this to myself over and over until I just went blank.
When I snapped back into reality I realized the halls were quiet and completely empty.
"How long have I been out of it?" I whisper to myself and sigh, this had been happening more often before it had only happened in the past when I used to get beat up all the time. I would block it out, and when I snapped out of it I was left alone and bruised, but now it was happening at random times; I would just disappear from the world, and when I returned I was alone. I look at some of the classrooms to see they were all empty, this was the first day so I guess no one would just be hanging out in a classroom. I look up at the sign above the door to see it said 'Art Room'.
"Definitely not the class I'm looking for," I say, and I begin walking back down the hallway. When the hall slowly began to have more students I guessed I must have been going the right way, a few looked my way, and I instinctively put my head down. It was something I learned to do in school, if you didn't make eye contact they seemed to bug you less...sometimes. I feel my body collide with someone else, and then I hear a yelp. When I look up I see I had bumped into a girl. She put a hand on her forehead and frowned. She was pretty, she had nice bleached blonde hair that looked good against her creamy skin. She had this air around her that felt weird, almost like I stepped into something I shouldn't have. She looked up at me, and I avoided eye contact with her.
"Um, I'm—I'm really s-sorry." I spit out and curse at myself for sounding like a stuttering mess.
"Oh, no it's okay, I wasn't watching where I was going." She says, and I hear a British accent in her voice.
"Oh, okay," I say awkwardly, still not making eye contact.
"Well, good day," She says, and I nod and begin to walk around her. I cursed inside my head again as I walk away before turning around again.
"Um, wait," I say, and she turns around. "What's your name?" I ask, and she smiles.
"Ivy, and yours?" she asks.
"I'm Ryan," I say, and she nods. "Well, Ivy, do you happen to know where the economics class is?" I ask, and she laughs.
"You know I was just looking for the same class, shall we find it together?" She asks, and seeing her smile made me want to smile...almost.
"Sure," I say, and she walks over to my side, and we begin to walk down the hallway.
"So, you're new here too?" She asks, and I nod.
"Yeah, I arrived here today," I say, and she looks at me.
"Interesting, me too," I stare back at her, and for the first time I take the time to notice her eyes, they were nice. Near her pupil, a baby blue seemed to wash into a soft green. She smiled at me, and only then I realized I had been staring, I look away and focus my attention on the floor as we walk in silence.
"So," Ivy says breaking the silence, "Have you settled in well?" She asks, and I look up at her. "You know into your dorm." She explains.
"Oh, um, yeah, you?" I ask, trying to hold up the conversation.
"Yes, I met my roommate, she was nice, how was yours?" She asks, and I shrug.
"I haven't met mine...yet," I say, and she nods as we turn into another hallway. I don't miss all the stares we get as we walk by. We continue walking down the hallways in silence, but the awkwardness seemed to fade between us, and we just seemed to know we both had nothing more to say.
We stand in front of the economics class just staring at the sign above the door.
"Well, um thanks for looking with me," I say, and she smiles again.
"Of course," she says, and again that silence falls between us but only for a moment when she opens her mouth to speak but then stops, we stand there for another second of silence until she breaks it.
"Do you maybe want to join me in my search for the cafeteria?" She asks, and I nod, she was nice, maybe I was finally going to start a year where things would be different, maybe just maybe I could have a friend to depend on. For the first time in forever, I smile a smile of hope.
"I'd be more than happy to," I say, and she smiles back.
Once I step foot inside the cafeteria I immediately tense and I suddenly feel as though everyone here was watching me. I pull at the cuffs of my sleeves, and I look over and notice Ivy pull at the collar of her shirt. We follow the line of students forming in a line with a tray in hand, giggling with friends.
"So, what type of student are you?" Ivy asks, pulling my attention away from all the loud students around us.
"What do you mean?" I ask, and she laughs.
"Good grades? Bad grades? A study type or not?" She asks, and I shrug.
"I'd like to think I'm a good student," I say not meeting her eyes, and we step forward in line.
"So you mean you are the type with bad grades but wishes they had good grades?" She says seeing right through me.
"Yeah, that's me," I say, and her eyes widen.
"Really?"
I nod. "Oh, well if you ever need help with studding I-" she stops short almost thinking about her next words with a frown, then she gulps. "I can help you." She says more as a statement, and I nod.
"Thanks, um that would be nice," I say, and she smiles, her smile begins to fade, and her eyes travel behind me. I follow her gaze and am surprised to see she is looking at the same boy I had seen laughing earlier.
"Who is he?" I found myself asking, not really expecting an answer.
"Neal Ross," Ivy answers, and I look away from the boy who seemed to be having a deep conversation with his friends.
"Who?" I ask.
"Neal Ross, you could call him the boy I need to surpass, but to everyone else, he is the top of the school with the best grades." She says, and I hear a sound of distaste in her voice.
"And you are trying to be better than him?" I ask, and she looks at me with a knowing smile.
"Not be better, Ryan, I need to surpass." She says, and as confused as I am I let it go. We step forward in line, and I turn to the boy and am even more shocked to see his eyes already on me.
Ivy and I had gone our separate ways after lunch, and I had made my way towards the hall where students would be crowded around picking their clubs and sports to try out for. I pushed through a crowd of students who are chatting away about the club they had joined. I sigh as I reach a table surrounded by a group of boys as I walked over a few stared in my direction, but I kept my head low and grabbed a sheet of paper out of a basket that was marked soccer.
"You don't really look like the type to play." A male voice said behind me, and I jump and turn to see who it is. The boy that stands in front of me smirks and in my head, I remember these are the type of boys I stay away from. He had an undercut, and his hair was a light brown along with his eyes.
"U-um, yeah I play...a little." I choke out, and I curse myself for sounding so stupid. The boys around him laugh, and I feel a blush creep up my face.
"Are you joining?" He asks, and I wanted to say no and then run and hide.
"I was thinking about it," I reply, and he looks back at the boys behind him and then looks back at me like I was nothing.
"Well, I'm the captain of the team, and you would have to be pretty impressive to be on the team. How long have you been playing?" He asks trying to sound casual, but I could tell he was testing me I knew how to play, I was fast and good.
"Since I was ten," I say with a little more confidence, and he raises an eyebrow.
"Interesting." He says before walking past me and bumping my shoulder before the rest of the guys follow, barely spearing me a glance. I sigh once they walk out into the crowd and out of sight. It wouldn't last if I join the team and have to deal with them for the rest of the year. I grip the piece of paper with lines and check boxes for me to fill out. I glance up, and that's when my eyes land on a table with no one around it. I squint trying to read what the sign says, and once I read it my breath catches in my throat. I walk over to the table the rest of the students drowned out. I pick up a piece of paper out of the basket and read it again. Figure Skating. I feel my heart in my chest pick up its pace. I would do anything to fill out this sheet, but I can't it was decided I would play soccer.
"I'm not going to do it," I whisper to myself, "I'm not."
I sit in a chair staring at the two filled-out pages in my hand as students still pass, picking their clubs and sports. I look at the filled-out soccer paper and remembered the boys I would have to deal with. I look at the filled-out figure skating paper and think of the consequences of my parents finding out I disobeyed them. I had to pick what would Xander say. He would tell me to stop being stupid and don't lose this opportunity. I sigh.
"Great."
-NEAL ROSS-
I sigh as my dad picks up yet another random piece of paper from a basket.
"Son, maybe you should do baseball." He says, and I frown and look at him.
"Dad, you weren't even good at baseball," I say, and my dad nods while putting down the paper.
"You're right, baseball is boring." He says, and I sigh loud enough for him to hear me.
"Dad, I don't want to take a sport or-" I start but am cut off by him.
"You're right! You should do a club!" He says, and I sigh again and look over to see a few girls giggling at me. I wink at them, and they all blush.
"Son, stop flirting and pay attention, how about drama? Drama sounds good." He says, and I grimace, thinking of me acting out some role in a play. Didn't fit me. "I'll put it in our pile as a maybe." He says, and I sigh yet again, completely giving upon him. I feel someone shove past me, and I quickly look over to see a boy with familiar blonde hair. He glances at me, and I recognize him. He was the boy I had seen in the hallway and the boy I had seen at lunch talking with that Ivy girl I heard about. He blushes and lowers his head.
"Sorry." He says before rushing off with a paper in his hand. He walks to a table and quickly places the paper in the small pile on the table and then rushes off. My dad follows in his steps until we land in front of the table the Blonde had placed his paper down, and I hear my dad gasp.
"Son," He says, and I look at him while he holds up a piece of paper, dropping all of his other ones. "You are most defiantly doing this one." He says, and I read the paper. Figure Skating. I frown and before I know it I'm placing the paper down over the one the blonde had put down, I glance at the name and let it roll off my tongue.
"Ryan Nelson," I whisper.
-RYAN NELSON-
I rush out of the school with my face on fire, I had just bumped into him, and I was seeing him for the third time. God this was embarrassing. I pull open my bag and yank out a black hoodie and switch it with my uniform jacket. I look around before pulling my hoodie up and ducking back into the mix of students on campus.
Neal Ross...Neal Ross...Neal Ross...
What was wrong with me? I walk faster, hoping to run far enough away from my crazy thoughts, but it's no use. His eyes stuck with me, they were so green, and the way his brown hair seemed to fall perfectly in his eyes made me feel something different.
"I really need to stop." I remind myself, remembering the last time something like this happened, and it ruined my life.
"I need to be normal," I whisper as I walk in front of a bus stop in just enough time for the bus to pull up. The bus doors open with a screech, and I pull out headphones, plugging them in, and as I walk onto the bus I count again.
1...2...3...Nothing...
I pull out my headphones as I stand in front of the one place that feels like home. I close my eyes, and a small smile creeps up my face. Then I hear his voice in my head again.
"The Skating Rink," He says, and I open my eyes and look over to see him standing there, Issac. I go to step forward, but the door opens, and my Issac vanishes. I look up to see my one and only good friend, Edwin. Once his eyes land on me a bright smile grows on his face, and for a moment I envy him, he could be happy for who he was, but the feeling fades, and I feel the warmth of his welcome.
"Hey! It's been too long, how is your new school? Wait no! What does your roommate look like? Oh! And-" He starts to say only to get cut off by another voice.
"Alright, alright give him some time to breathe, Edwin." The voice says, and I look behind Edwin to see no one other than Xander standing with a bucket in his hand. Xander smiles when he sees me, and I return it, feeling that warmth again, this was home, right here. Xander puts down the bucket and walks over to me, and puts his hands on my shoulders, looking at my face. I smile knowing the little game he does every time he sees me.
"Let's see, you are slightly annoyed from your car ride with your wonderful parents, you are flushed so, that means you saw a boy and you have something important to tell me....am I right?" He says, and I look down, he was always right.
"I take that as a yes! Let's go inside and talk some business!" Edwin says and rushes inside the skating rink, disappearing behind the door. I look at Xander, and his playful smile is replaced by a sad one.
"Are you okay?" He says, and I feel a pang in my chest no I wasn't okay I didn't want to go to another school I wanted to just stay here and never leave this place was my Neverland. He pulls me into a hug, and I sigh into his chest.
"You're a good kid you know that," He says, and I close my eyes, allowing myself to relish the moment, but just as fast as it came it was gone.
"Alright, kiddo, time to head in and talk." He says while pulling away from our embrace and pats me on the head. That's how Xander worked, one second we had a connection then the next he acted all tough and joked around, but I liked it...a lot.
We walked inside, and I felt the cool air from the ice rink on my face, it was welcoming and nice. I walked to a table that overlooked the rink and sat down next to Edwin who was bouncing next to Xander.
"So!? Tell us something!" He says, and I sigh.
"Well, I don't mind this new school, I still haven't seen my roommate but, I have some news," I say, and Xander crosses his arms over his chest, ready for me to speak while Edwin practically bounces out of his seat.
"They have a Figure Skating Rink, and I can take it as a sport," I say and in my entire life I have never been one to shock Xander, but he was shocked for the first time, and I could have mistaken it, but I saw a shine in his eyes. Edwin just finally fell from his chair.
"That's..." Edwin begins but is interrupted.
"Great!" Xander finishes and sits up in his seat. "This is perfect for you! You know what this means right? At the end of the year, there will be scouts for college and, and they will see you, Ryan." He says so happily that Edwin and I both just stare. He looked like a happy parent for their child. "Ryan, this is your chance! You will get to go places and-" He stops short his smile turning into that sad one again. "You will get to really fly." He says, and Edwin looks at me.
"You did sign up...right?" He says, and Xander snaps dark eyes on me, awaiting an answer.
"Well, I am supposed to pick up soccer as my sport, and if I were to get caught I would-"
"Stop." Xander interrupts, "Forget them," He says and then locks eye contact with me.
"Don't ever let them stop you, I understand they are your parents but from what I see, Ryan, they have no clue about you. They are trying to stuff you into shoes you don't fit. Don't miss this opportunity, this is your dream, right?" He asks, and without hesitation, I nod, skating was my life, my oxygen. "Then please tell me you signed that paper, if you didn't don't tell me, just get up and walk away." He says dangerously calm. Edwin watches me for the slightest movement, but I don't make any. I look down at my hands and look at them both with teary eyes and a wobbling smile.
"I signed it," I say. and Edwin jumps up and down and then hugs me a smile grows on Xander's face, and I see something in his eyes but before I can pinpoint what it was he mouths it to me as I hug Edwin.
I'm proud of you.
Ryan didn't know that he was about to face more tears and pain but at this moment he didn't care he enjoyed Edwin hugging him and he cried tears of joy from Xander's words that touched him. He felt like nothing could stop the happiness that bubbled from him. But just like all perfect moments, they turn into memories and it seems to be after something wonderful happens there is always something to come ruining it all. But for now, he just forgot it all and enjoyed the happiness he hadn't felt in years.