-How can I get hold of this body...? Why are the gods playing with me like this? Do they want to test me?-
All those questions took her breath away for a few seconds. The handmaid, noticing the dismay on her face, hastened to dissolve the proud position she had taken, getting closer to her with apprehension. She placed a hand on her back, as if to establish a new contact with reality. Once again, the girl felt annoyed by that touch, perceiving it too invasive.
"I'm fine, you don't need to be alarmed like this."
She forced herself to whisper, hoping that Xiu Zan would understand and move away again.
"It's really hard to stay calm after what happened weeks ago ..."
The handmaid admitted, with a hint of displeasure in the tone of her voice. In the gestures and words of that woman, the young woman could discern a deep affection; she was certainly a good-hearted person, and that did her honor.
Despite this, she could not bear the weight of that kindness, addressed to a noble who would never return. She had to make her understand that she was not the Yeh YaQin she was waiting for, but how to make her guess if her every word was not heard? And then, if she had tried to give her credit, with what evidence could she have advanced her theory?
She was in a deep stalemate, and had no idea how to get out unscathed.
In the end, in order not to get stuck in that strange game of mutual misunderstandings, the girl decided to give the woman a hand, at least in part.
While the sadness of having stolen someone's life was deeply ingrained in her, she needed time to find a way to resolve the situation. She had to find evidence, and she had to do it quickly.
"My kind Xiu Zan, how did I die?" She asked.
-The best way to find clues is to ask questions.-
The handmaid did not answer at first, as if the memory alone hurt her deeply. She stood looking at her in silence, then hinted at a slight heartbroken smile.
"I didn't think you'd ask such a ... complex question first." She admitted, as if she were in trouble. Then, she continued.
"As I told you, it happened a few weeks ago. You have always been in poor health, and shortly after giving birth your situation has worsened. You have struggled with many weaknesses for seven years. Then, suddenly, you fell ill. The noble lord tried everything to save you, but there was nothing to be done. So, he ..."
She did not continue the conversation, bowing her head, quickly wiping a tear that had escaped her control. She had been good at keeping a neutral tone of voice in telling, now she could allow herself a little moment of weakness.
-And then, the noble gentleman has seen fit to recall the soul of this woman through some dark art. Too bad things went wrong.-
Thought the girl, with a hint of ironic displeasure.
Then, like a bolt from the blue, a new doubt crossed her mind. She turned back to Xiu Zan, blinking bewildered.
"Forgive me..." Murmured the handmaid, sniffing slightly.
The girl shook her head vaguely, to tell her not to worry. It wasn't her tears that attracted her, but her words.
"Xiu Zan. Could you repeat what you said about my health?"
The woman was stunned for a moment by the request, and then hastened to reply.
"You've always been sick. Then, after giving birth-"
The nameless girl interrupted her with a wave of her hand.
"Childbirth?" She asked, suddenly feeling her throat dry. She needed to drink. Possibly, something warm and calming.
Xiu Zan nodded. "I thought you remembered this ..."
She whispered, biting her lip anxiously. "My lady, you and the noble gentleman have had a pretty little girl for seven years now. Right now, she is waiting for you in the courtyard. She was very anxious for you."
At those words, the sense of guilt grew out of all proportion within the young woman's soul and, with it, the desire to indulge in some calming herbal drink.