"Well, shit..."
On a rooftop overlooking the Front Line offices, a figure dressed in black and white spandex was lying flat on his stomach, watching through the scope on his rifle as his so-called indestructible bullet literally just bounced off the target like it was a rubber band instead of a state of the art piece of ammunition. Bullseye pressed his finger against the communicator hidden in his mask.
"Hey, Osborn, the whole thing is FUBAR. Yeah, it didn't even scratch him. Hey, don't fucking try blaming me, I can HIT anything, it doesn't mean it will die when I do! You're the one who assured me that the mutie fucker was just flesh and blood under all the flashy power! Whatever, you better go with your backup plan, because I'm pretty sure he's about to figure out where-"
"Oh, don't bother getting up on my account, Lester" Bullseye froze at the voice coming from behind him, and quickly rolled over, bringing his rifle around with him at the same time, aiming it at the large, shaggy man who had appeared behind him without making a sound. "Seriously? Didn't you JUST try shooting me? What makes you think I'm suddenly going to become vulnerable to bullets in the past 30 seconds?"
Bullseye shrugged, keeping the rifle raised "Maybe I'll get lucky? Or maybe I'm just trying to distract you from something else?" The blade hidden in the tip of his boot popped out and Bullseye kicked out, his leg aimed right at crotch-level of the target, and if being stabbed there didn't take the fat bastard down, nothing would.
Not that Bullseye would ever know, as he found himself frozen halfway through the kick, his entire body locked up as the Magic Man glared sourly at him.
"Okay, I know you're a sociopath and you guys tend to be pretty bad with risk assessment, but that? That was just mean. Mean, and so very very stupid."
...
You know, I try to hold back on the whole "cruel and unusual punishment" thing, but when someone tries to knife me in the dick, nevermind that it wouldn't have made a scratch even if I had let it hit, it puts me in a rather uncharitable mood. Bullseye was already on my potential shit list mainly because he's one of the biggest assholes in the entire Marvelverse, and that includes the wrinkled purple guy who wiped out the entire universe atleast once, but he just moved up on the list a hell of a lot with the stunt he just tried to pull. Trying to shoot me is one thing, I can deal with that, but the knife thing? That's just not going to fly.
"Lester, I want you to take a moment to understand what a mistake you just did. You made most of your reputation against a guy who's main power is being hard to sneak up on, and you still had to kill his girlfriend just to actually hurt him in any meaningful way. He beat you like a rented mule almost every time you fought in person. And you thought this was good preparation to going up against me? I can literally turn the air in your lungs to acid if I want. I can turn your eyeballs into spiders, I can turn your skin inside out, just by wanting to! I just want to know why on Earth you thought this would have a positive outcome for you."
Bullseye grins despite his frozen state "Yeah, well... the guy I'm doing work for these days doesn't really take no for an answer, you know? So I figure maybe I can keep you busy until backup gets here, because he REALLY wants you dead. Between us the odds are good we have something that can kill you."
Ohhhhh, that's right, Bullseye was working for Osborn and the Thunderbolts around this time, wasn't he? Wait, so was Speedball! Back when he was doing that ridiculous self-harm gimmick to make his powers more offensive!
Well, one thing at a time.
"Just for the record? None of you do. Now, let's finish up before-"
There's a flash of light as an energy blast dissipates harmlessly against my protections, and a haughty female voice comes from above. "Ginnungap, on the orders of Thunderbolts director Norman Osborn and SHIELD director Tony Stark, you are under arrest! You are to cease your illegal use of metahuman power and submit to capture!"
Uuuuuuuugh
Looking up, I see a blond woman dressed in white and gold hovering above me, followed by a slimmer, silver-haired woman with transluscent wings on her back. If this is the Thunderbolts, I'm guessing those two are Moonstone and Songbird.
"Uh, yeah, I'm kind of busy right now, so if you could just come back later-"
Moonstone grits her teeth and fires another energy blast at me, which dissipates just as harmlessly as the first one. I sigh in annoyance.
"Okay, I see you're going to be difficult about this so why don't you just get the rest of your gang of pressganged assholes together so we can get on with this. I have other shit to do today."
As if on cue, several other people in costume appear on the rooftops around me. A man in grey and purple armor, wearing a helmet with a face-covering plate and a sword in one hand, a hulking, bald Asian man with glowing green skin dressed in a one-piece tunic, a monstrous-looking thing covered in black with a white scorpion symbol on it's chest, and finally, someone wearing a weird suit of spiked armor that looks like someone tried to weaponize BDSM.
Swordsman, Radioactive Man, Venom and Penance. Like a reunion special for C-Listers.
I look around "That everyone? You don't want to bring out Paste-Pot Pete while you're at it?"
Moonstone just ignores me, landing next to Penance and gives me a disdainful look "I repeat, you're under arrest. If you try to resist, we are authorized to use deadly force. Are you going to comply or not?"
"Okay, were you asleep just now when you already tried blasting me and it did nothing? What makes you think I'm going to suddenly feel intimidated now? Are you seriously that arrogant?"
Moonstone nods to the rest of her team "You have your orders, you are to subdue the unregistered metahuman by any means necessary. Attack!"
Surprisingly, the rest of the Thunderbolts actually seem to hesitate, apparently having a bit more self-preservation than Moonstone hoped for... with one exception. With a vicious snarl, Venom leaps from the rooftop he's standing on, his body bulging as the symbiote bulks up his muscles even further, his mouth wide open showing a massive set of sharp teeth. If this was Eddie Brock, he might actually be a little intimidating.
Unfortunately, right now it's Mac Gargan wearing the symbiote, and he's about as scary as fridge mold.
Mid-lunge, Venom suddenly begins to ripple and without warning the black suit seems to just melt away, depositing a bald man dressed in only a pair of boxers in an undignified heap on the roof in front of me. The symbiote squeals and screeches in the invisible hold before it's compressed into a ball and pulled down to me. Gargan struggles up into a sitting position, looking down on his now-human hands.
"W-what the hell?! WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"I'm taking away the symbiote, a-doy! Not a big loss, to be honest, you were terrible at being Venom. But you were pretty terrible at everything before that too. Doesn't matter how many superclothes you put on when the guy wearing them is still a worthless bum."
"GIVE IT BACK!!" Gargan makes a lunge for the black sphere in my hand, but I just shove him backwards with a push of force.
"Uh, no, and just so no one else gets any bright ideas..." And just like that, the symbiote vanishes. Gargan and the others stare at the empty space where the sphere was floating just a second ago. Penance is the first to speak.
"What... where did it go?"
I shrug "The sun."
"The-the SUN?! You mean you killed it?!"
"Well yeah, it was an extraterrestrial parasite that fed off negative emotions and seemed to be drawn only to the absolute worst people. I mean, I COULD have done what you guys did and put it on a government task force to commit blatantly unconstitutional acts under the orders of an amoral psychopath, but I just thought I'd go a different way with it."
Gargan sobs pathetically at the loss of his murderpants, while the rest of the Thunderbolts look at eachother uncertainly, finally realizing that they probably can't just brute force their way through this. Moonstone is about to speak, but Penance steps forward, apparently deciding to try diplomacy instead.
"Listen, I understand that you might not see it that way, but you're causing far more damage than you realize, you HAVE to come with us!"
"Actually, ROBBIE, I don't have to do anything, especially not anything coming from the guy who has to cut himself just to use his powers!" He flinches at the use of his real name but keeps going.
"You're openly defying the law, you can't just throw around powers like you've been doing, not anymore! There are rules in place now, laws regulating how superhumans are supposed to act, it's for the safety of eveyone! Someone like you who can just make anything happen with a wave of their hands, all you're doing is creating fear and risking everything we fought for! Our abilities are dangerous, and we need to use them responsibly-"
I hold up my hand, cutting him off "Okay, no, I don't need to do that, and I especially don't need to stand here and have you project all your guilt and self-loathing over Stamford on me. Hell, I could pop over to Stamford right now and bring all those dead kids you've been using as propaganda for the SRA back to life if I wanted to. I'd make sure to tell their parents you didn't want me to do it because it's not "responsible" enough."
Penance stammers, unsure how to respond. Moonstone, finally fed up with the delay, pushes past him. "Enough of this! Everyone, at the same time! TAKE HIM DOWN!"
At her orders, the remaining Thunderbolts unleash their attacks, the Swordsman projecting an energy blast through his sword, Radioactive Man pumping radiation at me, a sonic blast from Songbird, even Penance snaps out of it and relucantly fires. For all the good it does them.
I raise a hand and the energies spiral wildly away from their original target. Swordsman screams in pain as the energy is forced back into his sword, shattering it and reducing the remains to slag, costing him a few fingers in the process. Songbirds sonic attack slams into Radioactive Man, the glowing man clutching his bleeding ears as the deafening noise pounds against his skull. Moonstone barely manages to dodge the crackling radiation blast, knocking Penance aside as she darts out of the way.
Oh no, she's not getting out of this that easy.
The radiation changes direction and slams into the retreating Moonstone's back, causing her to scream in pain and lose her concentration, sending her tumbling off the roof and into a pile of garbage in the alley between buildings. I make sure she's not getting any long-term effects from the hit, but she's going to have a very unpleasant sunburn for a while. Songbird helps Penance to his feet and the two look over their injured and incapacitated teammates before turning to me. "...well? Aren't you going to finish us off?"
"You're the assholes who went after ME, remember? I'm sending you limping back to Osborn this time, and if any of you ever even THINK of going after me again, you'll be wishing I sent you into the sun along with the symbiote. And Robbie? I highly suggest you think long and hard about your future, because when you're working for Norman Osborn and still delude yourself into thinking you're a hero, you're doing something wrong."
In a flash, the downed Thunderbolts disappear from the rooftops... with the exception of Bullseye, still frozen in the same position I left him in.
"The hell? Why am I still here?!"
"Yeah, remember like 15 minutes ago when you tried to stab me in the crotch? I think now is a good time to adress what the consequences of that will be for you."